The 90% Lunatic Fringe

Oh those pets!

2009-02-23T18:14:00.000-08:00

Oh the pets that people will keep! Today I am sent a link to a news story pertaining to a woman being brutally attacked by a 200 pound Chimpanzee owned by a friend of hers. I saw a picture of the Chimp and I understand he had been on multiple diets and had been yo-yoing up and down in weight and it could have been a Jenny Craig commercial that set him off. There were accusations that the chimp was given Xanax to calm him down since he suffered from anxiety and panic attack syndrome once he was exposed to Tim Burton’s re-make of the original “Planet of the Apes.” There was a recording of the conversation between her and the dispatcher. She had her wildebeest call to report the incident as it was occurring. Fox News reported the chimp’s name was Travis but the article then mentioned that they would refer to him as “Bobo” to afford him his anonymity. Fox is so civil and thoughtful and kind! Here is the dialogue between the dispatcher and owner of the chimp.

BEEP… BEEP…
Dispatcher: Hello
Herold: (The chimp can be heard grunting at times) "He's killing my friend!"
Dispatcher: Stay calm, who is killing your friend?
Herold: Bobo is!
Dispatcher: Are you are a wrestling match? I love Bobo, the Everlasting Death, my favorite character!”
Herold: No! Bobo is my pet Chimpanzee.
Dispatcher: With a name like that I can understand his rage.
Herold: You have to send help, please.
Di. I am maam, I will stay on the line since I have nothing else to do, ok?
Herold: What should I do?
Dispatcher: Try stepping towards him and in a stern voice yell “Ungowa!”
Herold: What will that do?
Dispatcher: “Tarzan always said that and animals listened to him. It means “Do as I say or I will maim you!””
Herold: “I screamed it at him and he seems more upset!”
Dispatcher: Hmm come to think of it he only said that elephants. Sorry.
Background screaming from both victim and chimp heard
Dispatcher:”Maam, do I have your permission to call Ron Pitts and the “Destroyed In Seconds!” crew?”
Herold: “WHAT?”
Dispatcher: “I take that as a “NO!” Maam are you a Jedi? What is your midichlorian count?
Herold: 20?
Dispatcher: “Aww that is only good enough to levitate 2 ping pong balls and entertain some easily amused party guests. Do you have a federation warp drive engine?
Herold: “Yes, but I do but I have any dilithium crystals.”
Dispatcher: “Damn, we could have set up an inverse tachyon field and trapped the chimp! Ok there is one chance; do you know the Vulcan nerve pinch? This is where it gets dicey; you have to get close to use it. It has only worked for me on small rodents and chipmunks never a primate.”
Herold: “I stabbed him in the back with a kitchen knife! He ran away screaming!”
Dispatcher: “Well that will also work as well as grenades and calling in a napalm strike. Remember what ever happens. Do NOT shake a “Tickle Me Elmo” doll at him! Chimps hate Elmo and it will provoke him. It gives the appearance of a happy orangutan and it only reminds them that Clyde the Orangutan has gotten all the movie work in the last 20 years”
Herlod: “Why didn’t anyone tell me that? My friend pulled up in her car, got out and shook one at him!”
Dispatcher: “Whoa, no wonder he went ape shit! Bad karma! There is an emergency crew and S.W.A.T. on the way with orders to shoot and kill.”
Herold: “Maybe if I give him more Xanax?”
Dispatcher: “Err is the chimp seeing a psychological expert for help? Who would have thought?, an overweight chimp with panic attack syndrome. The world really is going to Hell!”
Herold: “No, but it keeps him calm so he does not play “beat the wall with the furry animal” with the other pets.”
Dispatcher: “Oh boy so the monkey has a monkey on his back? Did he get his daily hit?”
Herold: “No.”
Dispatcher: “Oh BOYYYY!”

After seeing what kind of damage a chimp can do I am thinking of tossing the idea to get a couple of huge Rottweiler’s and going straight to a full grown male Silverback Gorilla. If I want intruders taken care of I want body parts strewn everywhere. He can also sign in sign language to me exactly how the action went down although I am sure the paintings done in the intruder’s blood that he would create would be too heinous to look at for me but would find a niche art market and make us both very rich!

Revenge is ...

2009-02-11T21:46:00.000-08:00

Last week I had my abode broken into. As with any human, I sought a way to gain some revenge upon my foes which were apprehended. One would feel many would experience the same emotions I was subjected to. I found myself dreaming of boiling them in water and adding navy beans, carrots and peas, making a hearty soup named “Three Time Loser Surprise.” It is times like these that one wishes they kept cobra venom handy so after you are taken to identify said scum, you accidentally fall into one them and injects the hidden hypodermic you are palming. While the police are standing over him wondering why he is convulsing, the other suspect “supposedly” tries to make a run for it across a busy street and becomes road kill. Dreams can have a cathartic effect. This brought me to the never ending controversy of “Revenge is SWEET” or “Revenge is WRONG.” I am now a card carrying “Take revenge whenever possible member.” Many famous people are pro and con and here are but a few.

“Something of vengeance I had tasted for the first time; as aromatic wine it seemed, on swallowing, warm and racy: its after-flavor, metallic and corroding, gave me a sensation as if I had been poisoned.” I laugh at that statement. Obviously Bronte never had anyone emotionally or physically torture him or for that matter steal from him or slip small electric eels in their spawning cycle into his wet underwear. I believe this is the “turn the other cheek” approach to revenge. It would seem this means the other ass cheek is unguarded and will get kicked and mutilated. To wish to harm upon another for inflicting some heinous act upon us is barbaric and we will never achieve that altruistic visage of human kind if we engage in it but DAMN it feels good using that baseball bat!

“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.” This was coined by Sir Francis Bacon the inventor of the pork accoutrement we have come to enjoy so much at breakfast. Oh? so a man is superior if he does not take revenge upon his enemy? No, you are only dead or grievously injured so in that case if you did pass over revenge, you are superiorly dead or injured and people will be calling you a superior putz but so what, you proved you deserved to be out of the gene pool and now are.

“Don't get mad, get even.” JFK is the man! Although I think the results he received were not quite what he had anticipated. I mean you are the president so you expect maybe a few death threats, but to become enmeshed in the circumstances that ended his life in a mystery never to be completely known to anyone except maybe to the conspiracy nut that lives next to me. He claims aliens abducted JFK and replaced him with a doppelganger from the plant M-34.234 in the Garlack system just did not make any sense to me until I saw JFK on the cover of the National Inquirer. He was in a wheelchair being pushed by Elvis. I realized that no one famous ever really dies they just become as hard to find as the Sasquatch which in the Salishan language means “Large hairy creature that does not and never has existed and really is the extremely hairy man that lives 3 tents down.”. This word was first translated by a man that only knew sign language and could only speak with his left foot. This accounts for all the Bigfoot sightings and stories yet not one clear picture or movie deal ever signed with one.

“Live well. It is the greatest revenge.” Oh this one sends shivers down my spine! I love it. In a nutshell this is the greatest revenge I can think of off hand other then placing 3 black mambas in someone’s desk drawer. One of the great pieces of wisdom from the Talmud not to mention that it also contains many a great recipes in it! I especially love the Matzah Ball soup one.

“Behold, on wong Swift vengeance dates; and art subdues the thong.” This observation was written by Homer and I have no idea why the word swift is capitalized. When Homer wrote this, he was 98 ½ years old. He had scratched it onto the wall of the outhouse with a stick. Someone later, as they sat and read it thought it profound and attempted to remember it and unfortunately he got it completely incorrect. We now have no profound statement about revenge from Homer but the thong was born and men have been delighted ever since and many women made uncomfortable.

“All the old knives that have rusted in my back, I drive in yours.” Many people must have really hated the Phaedrus to have not only had a great many knives driven into Plato’s back but they all rusted as well due to secretions of body fluids. This means this started at an early age and probably had something to do with not being capable of being potty trained and it went from there. Maybe people did not like the name of this piece of writing because the name can be mistaken for a rare STD found only in Artic moles. It is a piece dealing with Plato carrying on a dialogue with Socrates. I attempted to read this once and it being a dialogue between two philosophers almost forced me to become a cliff diver. I am sure it has nothing to do with cliff diving but then I am extremely stupid.

“No more tears now; I will think about revenge.” Aw I applaud a woman for taking the pro stance of revenge. Mary, Queen of Scots muttered these words as other women in the court snickered and made jokes in reference to her new smiley face boxer shorts. The ladies of the court were immediately burned at the stake along with the underwear and it would be centuries until we saw their return with millions of men wearing them proudly attempting to look sexy and funny to many uninterested and yawning women.

I will finish with one quote that makes no sense to me. “Revenge is an inhuman word.” Hmmm, if it is not human what animal or insect created? An ant that had been slaving for 2 days to build a mound only to have a kid come along and wipe it out in seconds, an irate beaver that had his damn blown up? It could be an extraterrestrial word. Look what we tried to do to E.T! Again I think if has something to do with Big Foot but then everything does.

Doughnut Laws

2009-01-29T20:11:00.001-08:00

This morning I happened to be looking on a particular site and spied an article that just made me laugh for a few minutes when I read it. It happened to pertain to police officers on the Montreal police force. It seems they wish to have a law passed with which they could arrest a person for calling them a ‘Doughnut-eater”. I am still laughing about this. I have been mortified at times over the years with what we refer to as ‘Political Correctness”. For example I cannot call a person “short”, they are vertically challenged. I cannot refer to a person as an “Idiot”, they are “neurally networked impoverished”. I cannot call a person that shoved a hamster up their rectum, has it get lodged and must report to the ER with the excuse used 99% of the time “I fell on it in the shower!” and call him a freak, he is a “sexually green, environmentally open orifice oriented”.

Can you imagine being pulled over by a police officer in Montreal and notice he has crumbs on his face and mention the word doughnut and be pulled from your car, beaten with a night stick to within an inch of your life and placed in handcuffs. You are taken to the station and finger printed and your mug shot taken and I will bet you the report will state “Suspect called officer a derogatory name.” Of course you and your heinous deed will place your booty in the same cell as the maniac that killed 5 people at a bar that night because they all reminded him of his father and 2 of his victims were women!

Now the big reason for this as one officer attempted to explain was that usually drunks use abusive language and things get out of control. I cannot even conceive of an inebriated individual ranting, spewing obscenities and the term “doughnut eater” slips out. Here is a scenario.

Police Chief speaking with 2 officers after severely beating a suspect:

Police Chief: Well now boys, what do ya have to say about that incident with the drunk. Ya kinda beat him up pretty bad ya know. Six broke ribs, left femur snapped, massive concussion and multiple contusions and night stick broken off in his left nostril eh?
Police officer one: Now chief he was getting mighty abusive there.
Police officer two: Yah and ya would not believe the string of curse words that came out of his mouth!
Police Chief: But to beat a man that bad for just cursing away?
Police officer one: But Chief, he used the “D” word don’t ya know?
Police Chief: EH! Why did you not say that to begin with? You should have shot that damn scumbag!

I had wondered what would occur if a person were to utilize the dreaded “doughnut eater” name in a more sophisticated way. For example, “You consumer of a kneaded and mixed dough composition that is pre-shaped and deep friend in various oils into various geometric forms and coated or covered with glucose based products!” I realize that this could get you life in prison in Montreal so I would not even attempt this as a joke. I wonder if the penalty is not as severe if you mention doughnut holes, which really are NOT holes but leave holes? Damn this is complicated stuff.

Now we are into an age where everything is Extreme, Extreme sports, Extreme breakfasts, Extreme Chess. Well here is the Extreme sport in Montreal. Drive by a doughnut shop where 6 cop cars are parked and pull out a megaphone and scream as you drive by slowly “DOUGHNUT EATERS!” This will cause a tsunami of police officers to come pouring out the door, jump in their vehicles and chase you down in a high speed chase. The object is to elude pursuit without being caught. If you are caught, death is assured or else it would not be EXTREME!

I have a premonition that he next item on the list will deal with Americans mimicking a Canadian with the word ‘Eh?” I myself find it hard NOT to say that word around Canadians when it is used in every sentence. I predict three years from now if an American is caught saying said word it will carry the same weight as a robbery performed with a fire arm. So next time you are in Montreal and get a craving for doughnuts and the shop you stop at has 2 cops in it, you better think about it before the mouth opens and certain words flow out.

What's in a Name

2009-01-21T18:35:00.001-08:00

What is in a name? Well for some people as they walk through life it can involve great pain and harassment. This is one of the reason there are many people into masochism. They LOVE the pain. I can never even begin to comprehend how parents can possibly give child the names they do. You would think when they looked at the birth certificate that they would realize that Richard Dean Hertz will eventually evolve into something that will cause this emotionally pained child to move into a cave and eat fish the rest of his life and be shunned by society as a whole, find a magical ring and almost cause our world to be taken over by the evilest of forces. Thank goodness for other freaks with abnormally large and hairy feet. My brother is named Richard and we called him “Dick” or “Dickie” with never a thought of penis. As soon as he grew to 6 foot 4 and weighed over 250 we complied with his demand to call him “Mr. Richard”, which I do to this day and also bow in his presence. I have no desire to be planted in the yard and have my head used as a croquet target to sharpen hit accuracy. One doctor I knew had the name Dr. Richard Finder which in itself is funny enough but he was a urologist. Maybe the NASCAR driver Dick Trickle should look him up and see if he can solve his problem. I think he is represented by the law firm Dixon, Cox and Peters. WRONG order to place those names! Oh I also knew a Dr. PAIN. Let us just say eliminate the name Richard altogether. At least Richard the Lionhearted was never referred to as “Dick” although he could easily have been one, history does not relate that fact to us. Why not try and eliminate all penis references in names. I make one last mention of the name “Dick”. I live in San Jose and on Meridian Avenue for years was a huge sign that simply said “Linoleum Dicks”. I laughed every time I saw it. I never knew if it sold sex aids or flooring.

In High School I knew a number of people that had just awful names. The worse one I can recall was “Letwen” and no matter how many times it occurred over the years whenever the announcement came over the PA system “Will Barb Letwen, please report to the office.” The chuckling was always present. I also knew another student with the last name “Boner”. Maybe at one time a boner did not have the same meaning as it had in the 70s but I know he changed his name legally as soon as he possibly was able to the name “Flaccid” which really did nothing to change the problem. He married a girl named Meg Ann Childress and she became Meg A. Boner. Reality is so much funnier then fantasy is it not? One rule of thumb is to NEVER, EVER give your child a first and middle name that spawn the initials B. J. I knew one guy in High School named B.J. O’Reily and I never knew what his name was but he sure took a lot of crap being called B.J. all the time since being male high school students you realize what the B.J. reference is to. There was a trio of girls that went to my school named Misty, Dawn and April. Their last name was Schauers (pronounced Showers). I have heard variations of this over the years I worked with an April Sommers. I have heard of an Autumn Sommers and my favorite, Cold As Hell Winters (I am sorry Cold I am not saying you are frigid or anything like that).

This leads to great names as you are perusing the newspaper and happen to come across the wedding announcements. Here are three couples I saw getting married over the years and since it is always announced by last names here they are:
Firm – Butts
Rider – Harder (Do not remember which was the groom)
Small – Dingle
There are many of these also. Again I think the people that write these announcements have their fun with them placing them in the optimal order in which to get the maximum laughs.

The world of professional sports has had its share of names I laugh at. Covelli Loyce “Cocoa” Crisp is one of my favorites. Is that the name of a cereal or the treat you make from it? Not a bad outfielder and has been around quite a few years. Although I loved him and he is a Hall of Famer and the prototype for the fast, small middle linebacker, Dick Butkus is a winner also. There was a George Shorthose that played with the KC Chiefs and a Pumpsie Green which played for the BoSoxs. One name I have heard only once and never again belonged to a running back for the Eagles. His name was “Po James”. What the Hell is Po? I can only surmise it is short for something but I never found out what.

The list is endless and I would love to hear names others have come across in their lives. Let me hear some of them.

New Dummie Books

2009-01-12T17:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had the opportunity to be shopping at Frys and happened to be perusing the book section when I came across some of my favorite genre of titles which is that of the Dummies and Idiots books. I glanced at the spine of one Dummies book located on the bottom shelf and it was titled “The Dummies Book to Indian Companions Named Tonto”. What staggered me was that it was 342 pages in length! I of course laughing looked at the other titles available. An intervention by two friends had to take place as I was unable to leave of my own free will. Here is what I saw.

The Dummies Book on:

1. “Where not to place your genitals”
2. “Excuses for emergency room visits with a foreign object lodged in your rectum”
3. “Viable explanations for acting inebriated while intoxicated and being questioned by an officer while pulled over for possible DUI’
4. “How to hang toilet paper’
5. “How to choose the proper pants whose crotch is at your knees”
6. “4000 possible lyrics that the song “Blinded by the Light” might contain’
7. “How to pronounce the words “Yes” and “No”
8. “How to convincingly say “How Did That Get there?”
9. “How to The 12 Months Of The Year”
10. “How to use Post It Notes Effectively”
11. “When to use a Stapler VS Paper Clips’
12. “Whom to use that 15 Million Volt Taser”
13. “When to use Change Your Underwear”
14. “How to use Road Rage to Your Advantage”
15. “How To Purchase Just enough Gas To Drive To and Fro From Work for a Day and a Half and Repeat”
16. “How Sit and Watch a Camp Fire”
17. “Go to the Bathroom WHEN You Have To Go”
18. “How to Shut the Hell Up When in a Movie Theater”
19. “How to Break Your Addiction to the Snooze Bar.”
20. “Hotdog and Hamburger Condiments”
21. “How to Use a Butter Knife Properly”
22. “137 Fun Blow Up Animals you Can Create with Extra Large Condoms”
23. “Kotex or Tampon?”
24. “How to Apply a Band-Aid”
25. “Which Side Of The Body Does The Pee Pee Hole in Your Underwear Face?”
26. “How Not to Examine The Contents of the Kleenex You Just Blew Your Nose Into”
27. “The Right Shoe, Left or Right Foot?”
28. “Pud Hitler, Adolf’s Unknown Brother”
29. “Perform Your Own Donald Trump Comb Over”
30. “Pork”
31. “Alligator Wrastling” By Joe “7 Finger” Chapman
32. “To Understanding Traffic Lights”
33. “To Choosing Yakuza or Cosa Nostra”
34. “The Feeding and Care of Your Pet Wolverine”
35. “How to Throw A Home Botox Injection Party”
36. “Ice Making Tips”
37. “Skipping Stones”
38. “Proper Chewing Gum Techniques and Walking at the Same Time”
39. “How to Sleep”
40. “How To Know When You Are Hurt”
41. “Selling Children Into Slavery”
42. “Negotiating With Your Pimp”
43. “Preventing Your Mobile Meth Lab From Exploding”
44. “Removal Of Ear Wax”
45. “When To Tell You Have Eaten Enough”
46. “Doing What The Voices In Your Head Tell You To Do”
47. “Raising Sea Monkies for Fun and Profit.”
48. “How to See In The Dark”
49. “Sock Shopping Made Easy”
50. “Toasting Bread Made Easy”

WTF Does That Mean?

2009-01-05T19:57:00.001-08:00

Everyday I happenchance to encounter what I deem “Life Variables” that will always cause me to pause and contemplate precisely what it is I am suppose to extrapolate from what I am exposed to. It makes me wonder what electrical impulses were running rampant and out of control in the brain when a person comes up with an idea and more importantly what psychotropic drugs or alcohol everyone else were imbibing in when the idea was pitched and everyone thought it was a great idea. This is like the creators of the Titanic not equipping it with enough lifeboats because it was unsinkable. Well at least Leonardo Dicaprio died in that movie which was a positive. I do like him somewhat more now that he is an adult and can get gunned down mobster movies like a real male actor.

I had stopped at Jack in the Box the other day for lunch and had noticed how they had revamped the entire inner décor of the place to attract higher end customers like the 3 gentlemen out on the street begging for food which have been out of work for 3 years and homeless. I myself have bought them meals on occasion and I can vouch the décor is meaningless. There is one guy the creeps me out. On occasion I have been in eating there and a gentleman comes in wearing a home made “Jack” costume that resembles the Scarecrow in the recent Dark Knight movies. It puts me right off my tacos with the unknown meat substance in them.

I just happened to glance over at my tasty cold beverage I was drinking at the time and I read the following “Happy to server you at any hour, no questions asked. Jack”. My first inclination was the following “WTF does that mean?” I guess Jack In The Box has absolutely no interest in your activities as long as you eat there. Drive up in a truck with 4 bodies dismembered in the back with blood all over you and they will give you that number 2 meal, large sized to go without EVEN wondering what is going on. Hell you wish to stop someplace to eat during that kidnapping? They will serve you that Teriyaki bowl even with the woman bound beside you with duct tape over her mouth and attempting to scream. Hit over the head, grab your food and drive slowly away. You are right in the middle of getting your ultimate cheeseburger with bacon and the competing crack dealer in your neighborhood shows at the same time? Who cares, pull out those old Uzis and spray down the competition in a pool of blood and Mountain Dew. Jack sure does not care what you do and he has obviously informed his employees that money comes first in these hard economic times over any humanity. Just sell the God Damn FOOD let mayhem ensue!

This idiotic ad campaign comes on the heels of another I loved also brought to you by the people from Sin City. You know of which I speak. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!” I am wondering who came up with that idea? This must have been coined by the antisocial serial killer on the advertising team or the mobster or thief. I like the idea that you can go to Vegas and kill 32 prostitutes because they remind you of your mom and no one will hear about it. Want to cheat on your spouse and gamble all your bank account’s money away as well as your home? Well I am sure some of that will inevitably be found out. I guess some things CANNOT stay in Vegas especially that horrible case of STD you picked up while you were there. I can tell you what you win in Vegas the IRS knows about so there you go. There are a plethora of things that cannot stay in Vegas no matter how you try to run and hide! Many parents have tried leaving their kids there with little success. I myself tried to leave a stalker there but she just picked up a few more nasty habits along the way. Now I have to worry about the fact she know now how to use a knife taught to her by Jimmy “The Shiv” Taglioni.

Burger King at one time claimed you could have your food “Your Way” but when an overwhelming number of males said they wanted their whoppers with cheese served to them by amply endowed women slugging them in the face with their flesh melons, blackening their eyes, the campaign came to a grinding halt. Now all you get are commercials with an incredibly creepy, quasi human/puppet looking thing that came from the imagination of Rod Serling You will catch yourself awakening screaming from a nightmare involving the “King” and finding you shit yourself. Thanks Burger King. That freak is enough to make me run out and buy 3-4 automatic weapons.

I had a girl friend once that lived by the rule “What he does not know will not hurt him” Yes and an elephant standing on your foot will not deter you from sexual excitement in any way, shape or form. Maybe she meant “Who he does not know is doing me will not hurt him?” I did walk in on her and a dwarf once, naked, having sex on a trampoline with 2 goats watching and it still pissed me off. I never did find out his name nor did I ask why he was dressed as wonder woman.

So I guess life’s lesson here is that many things you ARE responsible for and no matter how someone CLAIMS you can get away with it, you cannot. Come to think about it, there are many things in life that all claim the same damn things. Follow me and you will find it. Yeah right. It is lying over in numerous piles in the dog park across the street.

A few Thoughts From Santa

2008-12-23T22:14:00.001-08:00

I ask myself how I ever got to the place I am today. If I watched one of those Rankin Bass Christmas specials it would give me some fantastic reason why I am an extremely obese elderly man that has an overtly jolly attitude and has a hideous taste in clothing and shows a bit of insanity when it comes to a location for my place of residence.

People always question “Why the North Pole”? Well think about it. Let me tell you, I never had to pay a cent for the damn property that is for sure. Squatter’s rights baby! Although I do wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, in a cold sweat from nightmares realizing I live on nothing but ICE with only water underneath it. People think the men in that show the “Ice Truckers” are hard ass, crazy bastards, well I have lived here forever and you do not see anyone making a show on me named the “Ice Toymaker”. Screw those guys, when you have “Ice Trucked” for about 500 years then talk to me, until then screw off pansy! I get satellite up here but let me tell you, I get so damn sick and tired of having to go outside and remount the damn thing after it is torn down in 100 mph blizzards which occur ALL THE TIME! I really want to kick the sales person’s ass that had me pay for the weather channel, like I do not know that every second of every day it is cold enough to turn my testicles to ice? I am getting way too old for this crap.

Do people actually believe I enjoy being obese? For some inane reason people associate me being a big fat slob with being jovial. Do you think I enjoy going to take a whiz and not being able to see my winky to hold while I piss? Think about it. I have tried everything. Jenny Craig, Scarborough’s Diet, Weight Watchers, “The Eat All The Weasels You Can” diet, only to see them all fail miserably. What can I do? Everyone here is always shoving cookies and chocolate into my face so eating sensibly is impossible not to mention all the junk food people leave out for me at every house although I have NO problem NOT eating the deep fried cockroaches left out for me. I mean bless the little one’s heart but it is not EVER going down this gullet.

I also drink way too much Budweiser. What really gets to me is I cannot sit and watch a football game with my hand down my pants holding my genitals like ever other guy does while I suck down a cold one with my other hand because I am so fat. One of the biggest drawbacks to this is sex. Mrs.. C does the best she can but two people that look like sumo wrestlers have a tough time finding naughty parts and attempting to use them. It is like playing some weird version of “Twister” without the laughter. Things have gotten a little better since I had one of the Elfin engineers place a hydraulic winch over the bed and a harness. I can now move up and down with the help of the up/down switch I hold in my hand. There have been times I have found some cute little female elf workers that look upon me with awe and have I have committed a few indiscretions here and there over the years. The broken bones and injuries are easily explained away. Oh don’t give me those looks of disgust you hypocrites! I mean how binding in a court of law is a marriage that was performed by a tree druid? No papers were signed, he was not licensed, you get the picture? I get lonely.

All I want to do is wear something a little warmer on THE big night of the year. I have looked at North Face products and it seems to me anyone that can create clothing that can keep you warm and alive while climbing the Alps has a vote from me to help keep me warm as I rocket all over the worlds instead of freezing my ass off in this lousy, loose red monstrosity that Mrs.. C. came up with. You know this was really a gag she had made for me to improve our sex lives. It originally had a front flap for easy opening and we role played me delivery a ‘PACKAGE” to her but of course one of those little F*&CKING elves walked in on us and Mrs.. C. told them this was my new Christmas suit and I have had to wear the damnable monstrosity since then.

Christmas night has become a nightmare. Trying to coordinate so much is a huge task. I had to fly in a few programmers to write special code for me to keep track of everything that goes on in the factory. The damn Elves have a union which is constantly busting my balls. You think the Teamsters are tough since they ended up hiding Jimmy Hoffa’s body somewhere it will never be found? I constantly have to concede to every demand or I am sure I will be found in a block of ice somewhere, naked to be the object of scorn. They know I have a small package and will pose me in a position to take full advantage of that. Watch the front page of the Weekly World News, it can happen.

One big problem I just cannot tolerate anymore is the amount of reindeer crap I get pelted with all night long. I have had the elves create a windshield of shorts but that does not protect me if Donner has been drinking milk and knows damn well he is Lactose intolerant and get the runs. Needless to say coming down a sooty chimney helps cover the suit which is now brownish red and reeking to high heaven!

So between being freakin cold all the time, reindeer crap all over me, dogs which people forget to tie up and want to rip me a new ass, burglar alarms which I trip and end up getting sprayed in the face with pepper spray or worse yet tasered, I have had about all I can stand, well with the exception of the Santa nymphos I run into, that is one of the few and BIG plusses to the job. Damn I love delivering to Las Vegas, SIN CITY, WHOOOO!!! Why did they shut down the Mustang Ranch, it was my favorite stop : (.

Well it is that time again. Got to don the F^%king red suit (But I do have North face under garments on this time.). I am glad I order a case of Jack Daniels. Sucking a bottle down right now and taking 2 with me. Maybe if I am lucky I will collide with the Concorde and it will be all over with. This will lead to the new Rankin Bass special “The Night Santa Got Soused and Died!” Where is that damn bottle?

Brother Hannibal

2008-12-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

There are many things we regret as we get older and I just turned fifty years of age. So regrets can be many and can overwhelm you like a never ending stream of hive minded Lemmings marching to the sea to throw themselves into it to drown. I was happy to see that a chemist has actually developed a drug to alleviate this behavior but getting a lemming to take them twice a day is problematic as well as them not qualifying for health insurance. This is another horrid problem we over look in life and turn out backs on, Lemming manic depression.

I have a younger brother by the name of Brian. I was a very strange little tike in the fact that I was always interested in say all the bottles in the medicine cabinet but I, even at such a young age, knew I should not imbibe in anything found I was not familiar with. Brian was always my guinea pig. I am sure at times Brian saw a small Satan standing next to him, exuding the smell of brimstone even though it could have just been I had crapped myself, whispering. enticing promises of sweet tasting elixirs and nectars I would pull from the medicine cabinet and the hall closet. Nothing was childproof in my house. I would always figure out a way to obtain what I wanted. I became a bane to my brother and mother since I had advanced mountaineering skills. I would utilize my blankie to scale mount closet to the fifth highest shelf and obtain my prizes. I was really a prototype for the Indiana Jones character.

Poor Brian trusted me blindly. Whatever I would pull from the cabinet or the closet I would feed it to Brian and see what the consequences were of imbibing in the item chosen. My mother caught me feeding him ear drops, eye medication, spraying RAID into his mouth. One time I placed Alka Seltzer into his mouth to watch it foam out his nose and mouth. My mother thought he had contracted rabies. Every incident led to having Brian taken to the ER and having his stomach pumped which was no simple feat since we lived 35 miles from the nearest hospital. I t never dawned on me to this day why no one at the hospital inquired “Mrs.. Crawford, why is your son in here ever week getting his stomach pumped for ingesting some kind of poison?” Well mom was protecting her little Hannibal Lecter at home.

My favorite story my mother related to me had to do with Brian appearing in the kitchen every 4 minutes while she was entertaining her friend Joyce with Brian exclaiming “Dink of wata, Dink of wata.” After the 3rd time she decided to follow him down stairs where she was horrified to find me having Brian drinking motor oil. Fortunately we did not have to take him to the ER but the Mr. Higgens the local auto mechanic, who proceeded to place him on a rack, drain the oil, cork his sphincter and give him a lube job so he was good for another 25,000 miles or until his buttocks fell off, whichever came first.

He was also very accident prone and had more stitches then the Frankenstein’s monster. I myself incurred many a stitch but not until later in life. If five of us were playing king of the hill on an abandoned smashed car, he would be the one to imbed glass in his knee. If we were climbing a barbed wire fence he would be the one to slip and fall and embed barbed wire in his body. Fortunately we never kept containers in the shower so slipping and falling never included imbedding something up his butt although one time he did complain of an ear ache and when taken to the doctors it was discovered he had shoed beans in his ears and they had germinated.

I remember one time he had cut his wrist to the bone and did not wish anyone to know. We were heading to my grandmothers and my mother charged me with finding my brother so we could leave. I found him sitting on up the hill from the mail box sobbing. I asked what was wrong. He said he had cut himself looking for pop bottles to turn in for money. I asked him to show me the cut. When I had seen what he had done, I think I crapped my pants and ran to my mother with the news. I mean I was perfectly fine with idea of getting some needle and thread and trying to sew him up but I am sure the screaming would have attracted too much attention and I had not perfected my wondrous beside manner I have now when I offer to suture cuts for friends for free!

Needless to say this continued through our childhood and I am very happy to say he survived and is still alive, although the nervous tick is very pronounced, you will almost not notice it at times and his constant screaming at me “I WILL KILL YOU!” does upset me at times, I am still glad he is here.

Brother of mine, please forgive me, I should have waited till you were much older to experiment upon you. Accept that apology.

Lyrics From Hell

2008-12-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like getting a stream of good music while you are driving to work to stimulate in you certain aspects and get you in a good mood to face the day. This of course can terminated at anytime by someone wishing to kill you because you are not driving 87 MPH in the slow lane or someone deciding to commit suicide leaps from an overpass and ends up on the hood of your car still alive begging for some Excedrin Extra Pain formula. Blood is very hard to remove from car paint and the fearful looks given to you from the car wash attendants as they try to clean it off is almost worth the huge human shaped dent you received in your hood.

As I was driving into work this morning I was pleasantly greeted with a stream of wonderful songs. Now I am a lyric guy but there are singers I have NO idea what the Hell they are saying. James Brown was singing “Living in a America.” How can you not start to move when you hear that song? I can make out most of what he says but there is one line I just NEVER understand. It is the chorus. This is what I hear. “Living in a Americaaaaa, I sssss in the kitchen.” I understand the next 2 lines but what the Hell is ”I sss in the kitchen”? Well I cannot fault the King of soul since there are many songs he sings I do not understand. He is great at making strange sounds that would emanate from his throat sound like they belong in a song. One that became popular was when during a recording he cleared his voice and hockered phlegm. One of the engineers commented “James, that was BAD man!” So James just went with it and you can hear that same hockering sound in many songs of his. At least I understand that! “HEEOOOOOOOCK POOOO HIIIIIIII”

Then there was Eddie Money’s song “Shakin”. I have never had any problem understanding the lyrics sung in this song but for some reason, since the song has to do with stopping your car and boinking a hot chick on the side of the road, every guy I know thought Eddie was singing “Her tits were shaking till the middle of the night!” I do not understand this since if a woman did shake her breast all night long she would be too tired to be boinking. Also this could cause whiplash to any man having his face pummeled for hours with breast swing too and fro like a pendulum as well as blackened eyes.

One of the mothers of completely misunderstood songs is Bruce Springsteen’s “Blinded By the Light” not to be mistaken with ‘She Blinded Me With Science” and not to be mistaken with “Blinded By Staring Into The Sun for 2 Hours Straight”. The whole song is bad enough to try and figure out but the chorus is legendary for being incomprehensible. Here are some of the variations I have heard: Blinded by the light:
1. Running loose with a douche, another number in the night.
2. A noose on a goose, much funner in the night.
3. A flute with a moose, another mother in the night.
4. A nute like a dude, another bugger in the night.
5. Wrapped up like a douche, getting dumber every night.
I have NEVER heard anyone sing this correctly. Depending on Bruce’s version or the more popular Manfred Mann version is either “Cut loose like a deuce” “Revved up like a deuce” another runner in the night. Hell for years I thought Manfred Mann was saying “Douche” and this was not after watching commercials for feminine hygiene products.
Here are a few more I have heard.

CCR’s Bad Moon Rising:
Right: “There’s a bad moon on the rise”:
Wrong: “There’s a bathroom on the right”

Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall”
Right: "No dark sarcasm in the classroom"
Wrong: "No dukes of hazard in the classroom”

Aerosmith: Shut Up and Dance”
Right: “Talk is cheap.”
Wrong: “Tongue kiss sheep.”

Deep Purple: Smoke on the Water:
Right: Smoke on the water, fire in the sky”
Wrong: “Slow walking Walter, fire engine guy”

Ohio Players: “Roller Coaster”
Right: “Roller coaster, of love”
Wrong: General Custard, of love”

We will not even mention the mumblers that sing such as Michael McDonald, who when with the Doobie Brothers, sounded when he sang as if he ate a whole pack of Saltine crackers without any fluid to wash it down with peanut butter. I love the song “Minute By Minute” in which the open lines to me sound like “IIIIIIIII MMMMUUUUUUMM IIIIIIIIIII BBBBBNNNNNN IIIIIIITOOOOOOOOO” Maybe one day I will look this up to see what he is saying.

This is never ending phenomenon. I am sure you have heard someone at one time sing their version of a song. I would love to hear them.

1/2 Century Old and Counting

2008-12-02T21:37:00.001-08:00

Today I hit the magic “50” years in age. It is a number I never expected to reach with the many tumultuous events that have waylaid my life along the way. What is ironic is if the economy plummets into a depression, I am sure I will be contemplating a way to take my life or become the most prolific cannibal that has ever lived and write a best selling cook book on “200 - 20 Minute Quick and Delicious Ways to Cook Humans and Their Parts.” Life for me has been similar to walking a four inch wide ledge on a 25 story building with 30-40 MPH shearing crosswinds gusting. It is precarious at best but NEVER boring. One never knows when one will slip and fall into the maw of all the negative and painful and endless permutations of situations that life has to offer.

I was raised on a farm in a community that is a slice right out of Norman Rockwell’s perception of what life was once like with the exception of the people involved in his paintings are tall and excessive thin with huge noses. He could not perceive a time when everyone in the US would be overweight as well as a significant part of it being obese. I have contemplated updating Rockwell’s paintings to reflect this current anomaly but the subject matter will no longer fit within the constraints of a canvas or I would have to use very large canvases to do so. There were some people I happened to grow up with that did resemble the young man in the movie “Deliverance” and they could NOT play a Banjo as adeptly much to their detriment. Their idea of a good time on Saturday night was cow tipping which was a health hazard to cows if this occurred upon a hill. Ker plop! MOOOOO!, Roll, Roll, MOOOO!! IRK!

The people I lived around were good hearted people and took care of business. People have a misconception that all bad asses live in the confines of cities. They have never met irate farmers whose crops are being destroyed or stolen. I will not mention a farmer that has had a pig or chicken pilfered and lay traps to catch culprits. We actually had a stock located in the center of what was named ‘Greene” in which I lived. It did not get much use because people did not like to waste good produce or fruit throwing it at the incarcerated person. They preferred “pressing” to the stocks since it inflicted more pain and it provided their dogs plenty of salt to lick from the perpetrator's sweat.

I remember one time we formed a volunteer fire dept. and actually was subsidized by the county to purchase a fire engine. Well it was a nice horse drawn fire pumper from the early 1900s and look great in the chief’s yard when used as a planter for flowers. We kind of over looked that a horse was needed to pull the damn thing so it just sat and all the brass deteriorated. We attempted at one time to use dogs in a sled like fashion to pull the carriage but they were just more interested in smelling each other's butts.

I remember at one time walking into a bar named “Ajax's” that catered to rednecks and truckers. I had my hair just over my ear at the time. When I entered the bar to attain a case of beer, everyone was staring at me since I was considered a hippie. The bartender essentially threw the case of beer at me and then picked up a shotgun from behind the bar and ordered my “hippie“ ass out! Needless to say I never did that again. I would coerce my brother into getting our beer and of course to this day he has night terrors of farmers and truckers placing him on a t bar of wood and using him as a scarecrow. This was a standard costume at Halloween and it was sad to see a shell shocked brother run screaming from a 4 year old dressed as one, embarrassing as well.

I actually left that wonderful place when I was 18 and headed to California. This is when my interest in psychology piqued. I would go to dinner in downtown San Jose and observe people walking in circles and staring at themselves in the windows. I was particularly fond of the woman that barked at and chased buses as they drove by and I thought optimistically “By God, someday she will catch one!”

I was always interested in the psychological working of the mind so much so that it has been a passion of mine for years. I love viewing action/reaction with people. Why we have this propensity to revert back to being a child when in an altercation with someone is beyond me. I think this is why adult depends are so popular. Just in case we revert a little too far, we can evacuate our bowels and no one is the wiser and we can then go to our safe place and suck on our thumbs.

I have lived in the big city for over 30 years. A plethora of aberrant psychological behavior runs rampant and I love it. I postulated a sort of theory which through empirical observation does stand true. It is the 90% Lunatic Fringe theory. People like to believe that a small portion of the general population is what is perceived as crazy when in actuality it is 90% plus that shows diverse adherent behavior. This 90% now becomes the norm and the less then 10% which is normal is now deemed the abnormal. This accounts for why the vast majority of people that wear spandex should know shame but do not. It is one of the great affronts to God and man not to mention 400 pound plus people wearing butt floss underwear.

I will resign myself today to receiving all kinds of comments on how old I am. That is ok since I am really am an incubus and many people that make these comments will pay for them!

Thanksgiving Day War Stories

2008-11-24T18:21:00.001-08:00

All of us have our most memorable Thanksgiving Day experiences and we all love to share and swap war stories. These experiences can run the gamut from horrible food served to the aunt you would see only once per year that would smother you by pulling your face into her enormous bosom and hold you there. This does not sound that bad but besides being 73 years old and asphyxiating you she also smelled like old socks or sometimes much worse. Well so much for scented adult diapers killing odor.

I fondly remember my father being wholly incompetent in so many endeavors. TDay of course would have the traditional NFL football game always featuring the Detroit Lions televised. My father being the fanatical zealot he was with any sports he viewed, would always get so incredibly worked up watching the game that his incessant screaming that registered in the 120 decibel range, not only shook the house but caused cakes to fall. He also would slam doors and throw my youngest bother at the TV when extremely agitated. My brother hates TV to this day and it has nothing to do with it’s programming. Frequent intimate facial contact with the TV screen does that to one. My father would have to grab him by the feet and pull him away from the TV to disconnect his lips with had become sealed to the glass. Then my father would smack him for having messed the screen up with his drooling from being half catatonic from the event.

After working himself up into such a frenzy, with his carotids protruding from his neck and head ready to burst, my mother would ask him to carve the turkey. This is akin to giving Norman Bates a machete to perform the same task when he was psychologically shifted in to the personality of his crazed, murderous bitch of a mother. This was the cue for my siblings and I to hide in a place you could not be found. I personally choose a galvanized tub I could chain down on top of me which I knew could deflect the knife. Needless to say after the carving was done, there was more turkey on the walls and floor and on him then on the platter. Good old dad. I miss him so, NOT.

I fondly remember on Thanksgiving when my girlfriend had purchased a turkey as was in the midst of preparing it. I was in another room with the door closed when my olfactory senses were assaulted by a smell so heinous I got queasy on the spot. There is nothing quite like the smell of decaying, rotting flesh to stimulate that appetite. Gathering my internal fortitude, I venture out the door and down the hall to the kitchen where I was brought to my knees by the smell. Being the courteous and gentle being that I am I inquired to my girlfriend that was in the midst of washing the turkey, “What the HELL is the horrible smell?” As I approached the sink the odor intensified and I looked at the turkey. It obviously had been in a state of deterioration before it was frozen. Skin had rotted off in placed. The flesh was an unhealthy whitish color with dark spots. The fluid leaking from the turkey was horrid in smell. She had figured she could wash that rot right off that turkey. I had to point out to her the turkey was a complete bust unless of course we placed ectrotrodes into it’s neck and supplied enough electricity to bring it back to a semblance of life. Not many people are aware that Dr. Frankenstein began his early experiments with turkeys much to his wife’s dismay. Nothing like having gutted, cleaned turkey’s that had just been roasted to a delicious golden brown running around the castle on nubby legs unable to be captured.

Then there is my sister’s ability to take the tasty and tender flesh of a fowl and render it into a substance that resembled the saw dust found on the floor of any shop class room. The spectacle of seeing one of these turkeys carved is amazing. They just disintegrate. One must take mayo and attempt to use it as a glue substitute to try to piece a slice cut for you back together. I got smart after a while and would just add water to mine and it would expand much like dehydrated food. Not to hurt my sister’s feelings I would pretend to eat a couple pieces but would feed them to the dogs stealthily. It never dawned on her why every T-Day her dogs would end up at the vets with food poisoning and a stomach pumping. Actually I would save some and use it with glue as wood filler.

One year I had a girlfriend, of course an organic health nut, purchased an organic turkey which weighed 9 pounds and cost us 60 plus dollars. Upon finding this out, I did pass out. We were to feed 4 people with this. Fortunately 2 were 80 + in age and could only eat Gerber’s baby food which was liquefied turkey. I actually have seen chickens larger then this full grown turkey. There is satisfaction in knowing I am consuming a turkey that could suffer from 1235 different diseases due to the fact any foreign substance pumped into its system negates the “Organic” claim. Needless to say I tried to enjoy my turkey that had rickets before it was killed and found its way to our pot. I weighed the amount of meat we got from the turkey and it was 6.78 oz. Well no sandwiches to look for with that damn bird. He was also so tough I was able to keep a leg and I use it as a mallet to this day for driving 6 penny nails into wood. I figured eating that healthy turkey took 2 years OFF my life!

It would nice to hear all the wondrous

Green

2008-11-17T20:23:00.001-08:00

What is the new definition for the word “GREEN”? I remember when it used to be a color that was prevalent in nature and a color that roast beef would turn when kept in the refrigerator for 6 weeks. For quite sometime I could not remember if the GREEN or the brownish yellow meat was the beef and which was the turkey. There is nothing quite like cleaning out the refrigerator and finding those containers sealed air tight that have been sitting there since 1999. There have been times when I look through the translucent container only to ponder what precisely is in said container. I have seen discernable movement in some containers and know I have created some new life form from a four month old zucchini dish given to me in a time of pity.

“GREEN” also describes the color my flesh turns as I open one of these food container time capsules and inhale too much of the caustic vapors that escape and immediately assault my olfactory senses. On four occasions I have been found on the floor by friends and CPR given. Once it involved a portable defibulator unit and I was not at all happy about it. We have a defibulator unit in every break room, on every floor, in every building at work and I would rather attempt use them on myself then 95% of the buffoons that work here especially when you walk into a break room and find people attempting to heat their lunches on them.

“Green” of course in this day and age is also reference to any practice that has been put into motion to conserve energy. The vast majority of men are “GREEN” since they sit around most of the weekend, conserving as much as possible with their hands down their pants viewing sports. The only expenditure of energy is when alcohol is lifted to the lips to partake of and to stuff various food products down their gullets. Men if needed can go up to 2 weeks living of their own fat when in a hibernation type state but hibernation states are very rare since sports run 365 days a year and this include the 2008 world “Magic the Gathering” and “Ice Curling” championships .

Women attempt to be “GREEN” but it always fails. The expenditure of energy needed to take care of kids and the energy involved powering the 54” LCD and VTR and cable box watching Rachael Ray utilize apples in every dish she prepares negates any energy that could be saved. Men love to watch Rachael cook, especially the long segues when she has to bend over and place items into the oven. This is another time the hand down the pants is extremely advantageous.

I discovered today the there are actually individual that are called “GREEN Collar” workers. This is supposed to refer to any person employed in a field of energy conservation with the exception of street mimes. Unfortunately I have been exposed to green color workers all my life and it always referred to the shirts worn on 7 consecutive that had mold develop in specific places. There are also “GREEN” and “Yellow and “Brown” underwear workers but that is a topic I wish not to broach since it does make me queasy. I did know two brothers that solved the problem of laundering their underwear by running them through electric wood planers and then exchanging them with each other every 9 days.

There used to be “Blue” collared workers but hey were far too depressed to be around and their ilk declined tremendously in numbers as their herds were cut down by packs of wild wolves. We also have “White” collar workers but that was changed to “Off-White” collar workers since it was deemed too racist and that bleach has been widely accepted as a non-viable substance to use when washing shirts anymore.

I had contemplated purchasing a “GREEN” hard drive but since the specs have jumped back to the hard drives made 15 years ago I will fore go a HD that must have the platters spun up by chipmunks. I am sure the cost of feeding the little beasties would far exceed the electrical savings not to mention the inconsistency in speed as they run around in a circle and get dizzy.

I did love this story. I have a friend whose company she is employed for had the brilliant idea of purchasing coffee cups for everyone since they were going through too many paper cups. MUST STAY GREEN!!! So they purchased everyone mugs and then purchased GREEN (expensive) paper cups for guests to use. I have found that many people like being GREEN and this involves expending little to no energy to clean coffee cups. So what do they all do? No one uses their coffee mugs and use all the GREEN paper cups purchased for guests! Man and his great ideas in motion.

I was reading this morning about a man who is inventing a GREEN bathroom. After reading 4 paragraphs it occurred to me he had invented the outhouse. Well some old ideas are always the best like wearing lederhosen when having sex with a trapeze over bed and decide to do a 2 ½ somersault with a twist into a perfect missionary position with a midget

Ultimate Bullshitter

2008-11-11T18:54:00.000-08:00

We all encounter the individual known in scientific terms as “Bullshitus Overwhelmus”. I can run across these individuals on a daily basis. They spew such yarns from their mouths that at times I am completely left dumbfounded to wonder how to reply to such comments as “I have stuck a 2 liter Coke bottle up my ass, it is not big deal!”. If it were a smaller object I would believe it but come on! If that were possible he would also be harboring a renegade Boogle of weasels living in his rectum also imbibing in that 2 liter bottle of Coke.

When I was employed at a game company named SSI, I ran across the greatest bull shitter I have ever met. His name was Jan Linder. He was from Germany and wore the most atrocious clothing. This is really making a statement since the majority of people that work in that industry dress as though they rolled a hobo the night before and took their clothing to wear. I particularly loved his out fit which included blue nylon Nike running shorts, a bright yellow long sleeve dress shirt and black socks with white stripes along with green felt dress shoes. Many people that worked with him suffered from having their retinas being burned from their eyes not to mention their nostril hairs being eliminated from his lack of hygiene. I wish I could say Jan had some endearing quality but he did not. The most distinguishing feature Jan possessed was that every time he opened his mouth, diarrhea poured forth. This man could NOT let one truth pass his lips.

My first encounter with Jan was while I was working with a programmer in an attempt to eliminate a color palette flash we were experiencing during transition screens. No biggie, I just had to combine supported colors in each frame and re-render the assets. This crazy person walks in on us and asks me what I am doing. I explained. He launches into this diatribe about just changing pixel colors around certain other pixels. In my head I am thinking “WTF is this idiot babbling about?” He definitely displayed to me his lack of knowledge of what I was doing in one fail swoop. He left and I turned to Russ the programmer and both of us just looked at each other as if Satan had entered and wanted both of us to sign our souls away.

When we asked Jan what he had done previously as employment he said he had been a Unix Administrator, had run a graphics business, had been a producer on a number of games, had been the head of IT, was a programmer for Mac software. He also directed 2 movies. The only thing missing from his resume was sheep herder and developer of the warp drive. Three of us became aware of the fact that Jan had been working since before he was conceived which was an amazing accomplishment. Of course any of us with knowledge in any of these areas knew he did not know crap about anything. All lies.

I must say this presented a strange phenomenon. No one would call him on his shit. At one point years later 7-8 of us got together for dinner and started related out favorite Jan BS claims as a short of round table discussion. One person, Matt finally asked why none of us ever called him on it. We had our theories that it was fun to hear what would come out of his mouth next to feeling sorry for the pathetic slob to one person did like his body odor!

My 2 favorite Jan stories are as follows: I had been using a program named MAME (Multi Arcade Machine Emulator). It let you play the code equivalent ROMs of arcade games on your PC. It has been around forever and still is. Jan had just procured a 20th anniversary Mac and wanted to show me something. I walk into his office and looked over his shoulder and he started up the Mac version of MAME and an Arcade ROM starts running a game. He looks at me and exclaims he had just programmed it. I was flabbergasted. Damn I very ever speechless but what the Hell do you say?

One day I talking with 6 of guys and I say I am going to bait Jan into saying something I know he will since he can NEVER be one upped by anyone. I walked out front with him on a break and as he was smoking a cigarette led the conversation to eventually the point that I claimed to have sex with another man (Which I had not). Jan says without missing a beat “So what? I have fucked many men what is the big deal?” I went back and reported said incident to the guys and we all had a good laugh. Thinking back I should have said I had sex with Michael Jackson and I am sure the reply would have been that he had sex with Jackson’s Chimp and the bones of the Elephant man.

My friend Coustie just hated Jan. In technical meeting, even though Mike was the programmer dealing with DirectX and knew more about it then anyone, Jan would make fantastic claims of knowing Bill Gates personally and that Mike knew nothing. Of course all upper management believed him until one day Mike showed him a picture of Gates and Jan thought it was Walt Disney. Jan also drove a standard Suzuki pocket rocket and claimed to have all these modification made to it. Coustie being a motorcycle nut knew there was NOTHING done to the bike and would ask him what was modified. Whenever muffler ball bearings are brought up you know the crap is getting deep.

To a degree I did feel sorry for him. He was a pathetic individual in many ways. He is the prime example of where bullshit can get a person in a company. He was made a director. Can you believe that?

I remember one day being at a facility that housed some servers for us. The apache server we used for customer e-mail was on the fritz so 3 of us went down to fix it. We got it up and running but decided to call Jan and get his “Unix” expertise on Linux. No matter what we asked or how we begged him to come to the facility, he would come up with 100 excuses why he could not help or come down. We had the conversation on speaker phone and were laughing our asses off. Of course he did not know shit about Linux. Hell he did not know how a fish worked!

I know all you have your favorite bullshit artist stories and I would love to hear them. Can you match Jan? Let me know.

Superstition

2008-11-03T19:16:00.001-08:00

From the age I have attained it seems an indeterminable journey to what was my youth. One preoccupation I never acquired was that of being superstitious. I have known many people that believe in bad luck as a universal force they must reckon with on a daily basis. As a matter of fact, I actually went out of my way to engage in acts that others deemed superstitious.

For instance I would always wear the number thirteen on my sports jerseys, without fail. It did not matter to me that I survived being struck by lightning twice during one ball game while the sky was absolutely clear and then in the ninth I was hit by a Honda as I was sliding into home plate. These occurrences were just coincidences. I knew one guy that went on a hitting streak that he attributed to his underwear he happened to have on and did not change them for 7 weeks. When his hitting streak ended, all his team mates had purchased surplus gas mask in an attempt to be able to breath when sitting in the same dugout with him. Let us just say he refused to throw said insipid undies away and attempted to clean them with a wood planer.

I had a black cat named Spaz that crossed my path on a consistent basis. The only consequence to this was I fell over him about 1,734 times and 4 of those occasions had to do with flying down flights of stairs and once into a pit of spikes my brothers had dug while playing war and re-creating their own punji stick trap. It took me longer to recover since they used poison on the spikes to make it as authentic as possible. There was also the superstition about something awful happening to you if you walked or drove with a pair of women’s panties on your head. I did not fall for that, I wore crotch less ones so I had no problem seeing, although my depth perception left something to be desired.

One superstition I thought was just plain creepy was while strolling on a sidewalk if you were to step on a crack you would break your mother’s back. I did this only one time in my life. When I arrived home my mother was waiting for me at the door and as she pulled me inside and spanked the Hell of me she screamed “HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO YOUR OWN MOTHER, YOU LITTLE B@#$^%$D?” I had to sit in the refrigerator as punishment for 3 hour but there was lime Jello and the time passed quickly.

I remember one time accidently breaking a mirror as my bother shoved me into it. They say it brings 7 years of bad luck but who cares about that? The 54 stitches and almost dying from desanguination due to my femoral artery being severed was of much more concern. 7 years of bad luck means nothing if you are already dead. I think the broken mirror concept of bad luck is as effective as the 25 consecutive life term prison sentences some serial killers have handed to them at 74 years of age. No, they will never kill again!

I remember one time being at a restaurant and about to eat some breakfast. The place was packed. I was just about to sprinkle some salt on my eggs when the loose lid on the shaker fell off and salt poured onto the table. My friend told me to quickly take a pinch of it and throw it over my right shoulder. Without thinking I did so. The 6 foot 6, 280 pound trucker sitting in the booth directly behind me did not appreciate having salt thrown into his eyes and proceeded to place his salt shaker into a place never meant for such a container. I had a difficult time explaining to the proctologist called into the ER how averting bad luck ended up with me in 2 hour procedure to remove a foreign body from my rectum.

I was told it was bad luck to see my bride just before the wedding. I placed no credence in such silliness. I approached her dressing room and slowly opened the door to get a peek at her in all her beauty. Unfortunately she was in the middle of “servicing” a client which happened to be walking by the church and recognized her name on the sign out in front as the prostitute he used to visit twice a week when living in Sacramento. Talk about being pissed? If I had known she was a prostitute, I would have asked for a cut of the take or at the vey least become a male whore so we could have had an activity to share in our relationship.

I wonder where the word superstition comes from. If there is a “Super” stition, are there not a “meek” or “mild” or even “intermediate” stition? Say if you walked under a REALLY old ladder that was depleted of bad luck and only you only experienced very minor bad luck. I believe someone should look into this oversight and correct it. There should be a sliding scale of bad luck. If you really wanted to convey the most horrendous of bad, I believe the term tsunamistition would be a better descriptor. Think about it.

Halloween

2008-10-27T17:39:00.001-07:00

Halloween is without a doubt my favorite holiday and always has been since I was a wee lad. Coming from a rural community, you always had to create your own costumes since you really did not have the ability to buy costumes as kids do today. I see kids wearing Transformer costumes so sophisticated they are actually able to transform and drive around as miniature automobiles or thousands of small Batmen wearing bullet proof suits and throwing batarangs around maiming the poor individuals that happen to like the Joker and unfortunately, are dressed as him.

We had a very limited range of costumes we could come up with when we were kids. We could always go as a farmer but of course when we trick or treated, farmers answering the door put us immediately to work cleaning out the horse’s stalls and plowing the north forty. Another option was the scarecrow costume but for some reason it repelled crows but attracted all kinds of other birds, hence you would end up in a situation similar to that experienced in a Hitchcock movie. There was the tried and true bum clown costume, but so many kids ended up missing on Halloween night only to be found in neighboring towns, riding the rails and drinking hooch and forgetting who they were. One kid I knew came up with a brilliant idea about going as cow manure but the over powering stench he produced while in costume was an aversion to any other kid hanging with him not to mention doors being slammed in his face all night long. I had a friend that got what he thought was a brilliant idea of taking a pair of deer antlers from a display his dad had created after bagging a trophy buck. Greg strapped them to his head and painted himself brown and proceeded out the door. Halloween unfortunately coincided with deer season and you can still see Jim Brown’s trophy deer head mounted over his TV to this day. It has this very curious surprised look, similar to a human.

One thing we children did was to create a very complex trick or treating schedule as the holiday came upon us. You see, every town had trick or treat officially on different nights so if you were fortunate to have a parent that would drive you every night, you could trick or treat 4 nights in a row and possibly get 4 bags full of candy. Adults caught onto this after a number of years and instituted a program of tattooing our heads with different colored serial numbers, each color indigenous to a particular town. Some brave souls still attempted the multi town scam only to be pulled inside, have their number examined, and then were used as practice fodder for hunting dogs taught to catch their prey and bring it back to their masters. We always though this was somewhat of an urban legend until one day a kid transferred to our school. He had been horribly mutilated by dogs one Halloween night and his name was “Bone”. Our multi-night escapades ended since we did not wish to end up as Snausages.

We would pull all kinds of pranks on Halloween and the week leading up to it. One of our favorite was to tie a dummy to a rope and secure the other end of the rope to a tree. When a car came passing by we would swing the dummy out in front of said car which gave the appearance of some one dashing in front of the it. We would hide and sit back and laugh at the curses and yelling that ensued. There was the variation of this where we would just pitch the dummy by hand out in front of the car also with the same results. I happen to grow up with many kids that had the intellect of a remedial rutabaga. One did not quite understand the concept that you used a dummy in this prank and grabbed one of the kids standing in close proximity to him and tossed him out in front of a car. Fortunately he lived but it took a six hour buttock transplant to save his life.

One tradition I always loved was the hayride. The neighborhood would get together and have a big corn roast; Henny Youngman was usually the master of ceremonies. We would roast corn, hot dogs, hamburgers, steak strips and whatever else looked appetizing after smoking peyote and having a warped hallucinogenic trip. Everyone would jump on the hay wagon and be carried all over the property and it was always fun and exciting. This always culminated with the boys sitting around the fire and detonating fire crackers by lighting the fuse in the fire and tossing them before they went off. Unfortunately a large percentage of them exploded while being in the hand. The nicknames “Four Finger” and “Three Finger were very big at our school. One guy thought he would cleverly avoid the finger nickname and became forever known as “3 Toes”.

Stealing pumpkins was a yearly tradition and of course the greatest of challenges was to ascertain which farmer had carefully and lovingly raised the largest pumpkin in the county. One year I pilfered a 104 pound pumpkin. What does one do with a 104 pound pumpkin you ask once one has obtained it? Besides obtaining your first hernia, I had plans to smash it in front of the High School doors in a ritual of machismo to show I was the king that particular year in pumpkin heisting. Unfortunately some swine stole the damn thing from me the same night. He was easy enough to spot at school since he had obtained 3 hernias stealing it from me and could not walk upright. His modified ice pack jock strap gave him away. Super gluing his butt cheeks together and placing him in a locker for 6 hours cured him of ever taking a pumpkin from me again.

Halloween let’s me delve into a colorful, imaginative childhood which has given me indelible memories to sustain a lifetime. The anticipation, camaraderie, the excitement even the ominous feeling you encountered from the strange weather that sometimes accompanied that evening. It instilled in you not only a sense of wonderment but anticipation of what dreadful beasties or otherly world entities could possibility exist in the darkness even when there was nothing there. An emotion that still transcends time and I experience as an adult.

Happy Halloween!

Contemplating Death

2008-10-21T17:49:00.001-07:00

Death, the inevitable last human state we will all eventually attain. The majority of people consciously block the thought of this condition even occurring to them even as they are driving down the freeway at 97 MPH attempting while applying their eye liner with glimpses in the rear view mirror while attempting to set the DVD to 1080i and speaking on their blue tooth to their plastic surgeon about that botox injection in the armpits which will prevent them from ever perspiring again. In cases such as this a botox injection directly into the brain would be more advantageous but then the IQ level was never bound to change. Death surrounds us on a daily basis and many of us come into contact with in be it just in print, news, viewing an automobile collision or the ox penis soup that was eaten at lunch. I actually saw death this morning at 5.49 AM in the break room getting a hot cup of coffee. Hell with his schedule he needs some kind of stimulation!

I remember when I was young how I never thought of death until I was taken to a fire and brimstone Baptist church when I was 5 and listening to the continuous message that I would burn in Hell for all my transgressions. I did not know what “transgressions” were but I knew I had been involved in some and the thought of Death and a sea of fire for eternity without any Saturday morning cartoons was a terrifying thought. Amazing that my mother had no idea that she had spoiled the ignorance of knowing what death was for a small child who still believed in the Easter Bunny for Christ’s sake! Thinking of death was brown trouser time for me. I would go missing for days and my mother would find me holed up in a cupboard or a closet hiding myself away from death. I think this is when I developed my weekly habit of feeding my brother any toxic substance I could find that my mother believed was safely stored away and him showing absolute blind faith each and every time and ingesting it. You would have thought after the 5th emergency room visit for a stomach pump he would have learned or someone would have asked “Mrs. Crawford, why is your son in here every week having his stomach pumped for consuming oil, RAID, ear drops, rat poison, aspirin etc, etc. I am sorry Brian.

One of my favorite locations associated with death are cemeteries. Land is so valuable in California that affordable plots can only be purchased if a corpse buried in a vertical position or the family plot where everyone in the family, as they die, are joined with those which have passed in an Ikea chest which cost only 17.99 on sale. In my hometown we happened to have a cemetery which was ancient. It was named pioneer cemetery. There had not been a corpse buried there in decades. Even in the bright light of a beautiful summer day the place was ominous. It was not tended by anyone. The surrounding area overgrown with large maples and oaks, made it dark in the day. Plots were so ancient that coffins buried on small hills had portions of them showing from erosion. There is nothing more sacrilegious to know then at one time your final resting place could become home to a group of ground squirrels using your ribcage as a bed. Another reason squirrels are inherently evil. They have no respect for the dead. Well neither do I but I do not sleep with them.

I had a friend named Ryan whose family owned a rather large field and I always noticed they never cleared a stand of trees from the center of it. Just plowed and planted around it. After I inquired about this, he took me to the stand and showed me a dozen small head stones, so worn the carving was not discernable. While I appreciate their respect for the dead, I myself would have had them transferred to another location for burial but I am positive upon finding out the cost involved, would have sold them for profit to a medical supply warehouse to be sold for anatomy classes. I would have kept one as a Halloween decoration or something I could use to hang my newly laundered underwear on to dry. Skeletal hands are great hanging your coats on also. Do not inquiry how I know this.

As a teenager growing up in rural Ohio, I came to understand that any activity that did not at least include the possibility of maiming or lost of limbs was of no interest to myself, my brothers or friends. I look back now and wonder what would have happened that time when myself and 3 friends were throwing a water moccasin at each other and one of use would have gotten bitten? I have a feeling the recipient of the bite would have ended up replacing one of the neighbor’s scarecrows. Unfortunately he would have been discovered very quickly when the farmer started wondering why his scarecrow was attracting crows, LOTS of crows.

One indelible image I still have deals with my grandfather’s death and viewing of the body. When I die, I want a mortician to make me up to look like Emmett Kelly, the bum clown. At least when a loved one saunters up to take a gander at me, they will be shocked at my appearance as well as a surprised as the fake flower I am wearing squirts them square in the face and then 8 people have to pull them off me as I am beaten repeatedly. I remember walking up with my parents and my father picking me up to look at my grandfather. I was only 4 or 5 but I knew he was dead and I did not like it one bit, especially when my father held me near him for me to kiss him. SHIT! I was having none of that! I started screaming a crying and kicking! What I do now when I am turned down for sex. My brothers did not know what was going on but from my reaction they knew there was no ice cream or toys in that huge crate so they immediately started screaming and crying also and creating quite a scene (God I love brothers!). That was the closest brush with necrophilia I ever had unless you do not count that guy I saw having sex with a deer he had hit by the side of the road one morning on my way to work but I think that counts as something else. Like maybe being a F*&KING FREAK!

So as I have aged, I count myself lucky I have lived to see the years I have attained. I am sure my demise is closer at hand then I believe it is. It reminds me of a David Gilmore song “Out Of The Blue”. The end lyrics go:

I cannot believe, nor even pretend,
The thunder I hear, will just disappear
And the nightmare will end.
So hold back the fire,
For this much is true,
When all’s said and done,
The ending will come,
From out of the blue.

I wish Elvis would have heard this song before he bought it on the crapper.

Yes Sir, I'm Your Baby

2008-10-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I was riding along in a vehicle traveling from location to location on a very quickly passing Sunday, I realized a few things. Charlie the Tuna was clinically depressed and suicidal. He was always upset that he did not qualify to end up stripped and processed and placed in a can on the supermarket shelf like so many of his brethren and what has become one of the most over used words in the English language, “Baby”.

There was a short attempt upon getting up Monday morning to ascertain as to roughly when does a baby cease being a baby and it occurred to me that one NEVER ceases to be a baby. In one form or another it is prevalent and accepted to promote the blue ribbon title of “Baby” from 1 second into the great big world and getting your ass smacked for the first of ENDLESS times to 120 years of age when you are back to messy your diapers again and telling people your age in years, months, weeks and days. You know the mentality.

In many families the youngest child is always the “Baby”. The only problem with that title as a male is it is not always acceptable to still be breast feeding by the time we are 27 but we do still try. That is really man’s preoccupations with nipples. As well as being natures perfect pacifier we actually still expect a nourishing, liquid meal along with that oral placating and I am not talking about beer. It is a frightening thought to think up until he and was found guilty of multiple murders that Ted Bundy was still his mother’s “baby” embarrassed the killer daily in court by insisting upon taking his temperature with a rectal thermometer to make sure he was feeling healthy. My youngest brother had this problem until the 24th year of his life when he finally laid the law down and told my mother she was no longer going to “baby powder” his behind ANYMORE! This now became his wife’s duty along with spanking him for being naughty upon coming home from work on a daily basis.

We use this word also as a term of endearment. I do really wonder why. Do I expect the person I am enamored with to be sitting around in a diaper waiting for me to get out the stroller and take her for a walk? Well my neighbor does but that is beside the point. Why do we refer to attractive people as “Babes”? That in its self is disturbing to think about. Maybe it is that recessive, pedophile, genetic pre-disposition we all have? I know a number of men that love seeing women dressed in school uniforms. I myself prefer the Nazi dominatrix look but we all have our own preferences. I think I will make a concerted effort to “NOT” use the term anymore. I will begin using the term of endearment of “snookempookiebearpornmidgetoflove” That shows so much more imagination and gives everyone a real idea of how my brain truly functions. Which means it is in complete and utter chaos similar to the “electrical” storms in the brain which accompany grand mal seizures.

It is also the most over used word when writing lyrics for songs. You hear it in ballads, rock songs, country songs about men and their dogs, pop songs, rap songs with pimps talking about their ho’s. It is in everything. There is even a Polk song by the name of “Set the Baby on fire and dance to the songs of agony” Polka. There is a song by Mac Davis named “Baby Don’t Get Hooked On Me” in which he sings the word “baby” 252 times plus uses the word “infant” 12 times.

My favorite variation of course upon the “Baby” them is the story of Paul Bunyan finding a giant blue ox which he named “Babe”. They became fast friends since there were NO giant women running around. In one variation of the story that not many individuals ever get to hear, Babe was involved in the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Unfortunately Babe had been eating something she should not have and was suffering from acute gastrointestinal problems. At the start of the festivities, just as the run began down the narrow streets, men running with the bulls attempting not to be injured, Babe could not stop what transgressed as a tidal wave of diarrhea 20 feet in height came cascading down the streets engulfing all the animal and human participants in the event as well as spectators. Carried along in the deluge of giant oxen waste material, many lost their lives. I remember seeing the TV broadcast with Howard Cosell describing the carnage that had ensued and the aftermath. Although for years after this incident the local flowers and flora flourished so a positive aspect of the incident did manifest. Last thing heard of Babe he had traveled back to the NW of the US, eating herds of pigs as he went and became a multimillionaire when he signed a contract with Irwin Allen who produced another in a line of his disaster films named “When The Streets Ran Red With Blood And Bull Shit”.

Call me bulky, binky, blondie, bashful or bobo, but do not call me baby!

The Four Horseman

2008-09-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me on Monday morning that all things in life must be modernized. No one settles for anything ancient unless it is of great value like a 200 year old man frozen in ice that can be put on display to roll in the dough. I am sure when Donald Trump passes people will bid millions on his hair since there is nothing in existence like it. The other exception of course is the body of Morris Udall, whose corpse still occupies a seat in the House of Representatives even though he passed away years ago. Even when he was dead, people still voted him in as the Arizona representative 4 more times! This eclipses the record set Ronald Reagan, who few know had a mortician as a hair dresser.

We are all familiar with the four horseman of the apocalypse. Many people think Martin Sheen is one, but he only starred in a movie with the word “apocalypse” in it. There is Pestilence, War, Death and Famine. I think those are intimidating names to be sure but we seem to have all those 4 present with us at all times and some over step one another’s boundaries and responsibilities. You do not eat and you die. Death and Famine really got into it about a month ago. I saw a picture and article in the Weekly World News pertaining to it. All three of the other riders step on Death’s toes all the time and his feet are nothing but bone to begin with.

I present to you the modern replacements for the old guards of terror and in their modern ways are more terrifying. This list has more then four due to the fact I wish you to pick your four or come up with your own which in your imagination would do the job when you hear Gabriel sounding that trumpet to start the festivities.

American Idol: People all over the world have the opportunity to vote upon that individual from thousands from the four corners of the Earth that is worthy of a horseman position. There would be nothing funnier then to see Simon insult someone and be fried alive by a flame thrower or have a master of the shiv, skinning him alive on camera. Believe me, there are people in existence quite capable of holding one of the 4 posts open. This would be an opportunity to see that there are MANY more then the estimated seven serial killers active in the country at anyone time which is what the FBI wishes for you to believe. I think a horseman such as John Wayne Gacy dressed as a kid’s party clown would be enough to induce a brown trouser’s moment for me.

Pop Culture: This is a being comprised of all the temporary focal points we people become enamored with for short periods of time and they never last historically and eventually are made fun of. Unfortunately there is SO much pop culture, it is an out of control entity that affects everyone on one level or another. He will force you to take the Pet Rock out of storage and stare at it until you die of thirst and hunger and embarrassment for buying it. You will play with that hula hoop and rubik’s cube until you have a heart attack. Or endless reality shows similar to one in which you must perform your own surgery with no anesthesia. Sporting events where all male’s reveal their real reason for watching sports vehemently which is latent homosexual drives. Pop Culture as a horseman could be devastating. You will buy more utterly useless crap due to him using his incredible peer pressure, keep up with the Jones, I deserve everything powers.

Corporate/ Political Speak: This one is so deadly, it would be a terrifying horseman. Everything that spews from his mouth is so sickly sweet and enticing we believe everything told to us and then are hung out to dry and punished in an endless multitude of ways. “This new chemical plant will provide thousands of jobs” (As well as thousands of case of cancer as it seeps into the water supply due to cutting safety costs and maximizing profit.) “This bill will provide money for much needed food in school communities desperate for money.” (As the bill piggybacked upon it provides funding for a contagion to be funded that causes people to melt down into a pile of goo resembling pepperoni pizza in 30 seconds flat.) This horseman would be the closest entity to the King of Lies that exists. I think Satan could be insulted to the point of eliminating this would be usurper to this facet of his expertise. Remember Satan does not screw around and his pitch fork is made for pitching souls into the abyss which he does as he is singing chorus after chorus of “I’m too sexy for my shirt…”

Advertisement/ Commercials: An entity that exists that continually chews up more of your life energy and time meaninglessly day to day and continues to increase that life stealing ability constantly. How many of those McDonald commercials have you seen in your life and need to see to know it exists? The people that do not enjoy sports watch the Stuperbowl for what? Commercials! Every hyperlink or webpage you go to, advertisements. Tee shirts you wear, advertise. By the end of your life it will have stolen 45% of your waking life and continue to grow. The most insidious part of its power is the conveyance of sex to captivate you even if it is only attempting to sell you goat cheese or ferrets. This horseman needs no transportation per se. He travels over the countless forms of media we encounter everyday. Hell even my freaking underwear has an advertisement on it, “Checked by inspector 24, she eats at Denny’s every day”.

Instant Gratification: Here is a heinous entity. One must pay, at any cost to obtain that which will bring one the false sense of happiness and a person cannot hand over money and soul fast enough. You want to live like everyone else does? Place yourself into a debt situation which you will never recover from. Need that drug to make you feel no pain? You become a common thug stealing to obtain the money you need. Instead of promoting imagination and learning, buy the kids the latest gaming system so they will shut up. No money to purchase anything? Max out those credit cards to get that new model car every year so you think people will notice you? Are you a sex addict? Buy 2343 dozen boxes of Trojans thinking you will use them all. In the end you just end up building a miniature reproduction of the Great Wall Of China which I heard was being tiled this years with hand made imported Spanish tiles since China has made so much money off the U.S. they do not know what to do with it all.

Here are few more I could write about. We must understand that each rider must have a horse or have switched to the latest hot car people are clamoring about. I believe Porn would be riding something a little different. Instant Gratification would be using horse but not the kind you ride. See what you can come up with.

-Porn

-Black Crude

-Wall Street

-Fast food

-Bunkruptcy

I had also heard rumors that God wants Gabriel to change the song he wishes to herald in the apocalypse. I believe it is Chuck Mangione’s “Feels So Good”. Gabe is extremely pissed off.

One in the same

2008-09-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

I happened to have the opportunity to attend a wedding on Saturday. Should I use the word opportunity? I occasionally get to help my friend Mario video shoot weddings and one observation I have made is I am in a constant state of déjà vu. They all look the same, they all include the same activities in a predetermined order and they always include the same damn music at the reception. Why is Johnny Horton’s song “The Battle of New Orleans” always played? WTF? Is this a precursor to interactions between the couple to come? Once in awhile I slap the side of my head hoping to get the images to flow in another pattern but it does not happen. It is like a re-occurring nightmare (For many that have been married 3-5 times that statement is oh so true.) Maybe I should refer to the event as a night terror? I realized how many components of a Wedding are precisely similar to a funeral.

The pre-dominant color at both events is of course black, especially for men. This of course can be attributed to the fact that black is the most common color a suit comes in but could we not wear some nice pastel colors and drop the black? Colors to make the wedding vibrant and uplifting? No, little do any women realize we men wear black to mourn the lost of our male friends cast into the Hell that is to come. You have never wondered why the groom always resembles a corpse. They are pale and pasty in complexion, many times unable to speak and stiff as a department store mannequin.

I have seen holy men inject grooms with amphetamines before the ceremony so they can at least have enough motor skills to slur their agreements vocally to what ever is stated and be able to put a ring on the bride’s finger. A drug is also used to keep the groom’s face in a perpetual smile. Tears and groveling for mercy is not tolerated when in front of family and friends while in the process of marriage. That is tolerated for the parents having to pay for all this chicanery though. You always see the father of the bride crying? We all think it is because he is losing his little girl, no it is because he anticipates seeing what his Visa bill with be this month paying for all this crap! At least at the funeral you get a headstone or a jar of ashes to keep and the loved one of the deceased will always have them unlike the a married couple whose chances are within 2 years will be fighting tooth and nail over the wiener dog corn cob holders while restraining themselves from murdering one another during the divorce.

Much weeping and moaning and gnashing of teeth occur at both events. Many tears are shed for the same reason, loss of loved ones. In both instances we hope in our hearts that they are going to a better place. Unfortunately this is not always the case. Your mother that you had cremated and paid to have scattered to the four winds is found in a storage shed along with 467 other bodies stored by an unscrupulous bastard running a scam. Now she is just ashes that you can use to grit your sidewalk when it snows for traction. Mom would have loved to have known she kept me safe traversing that icing walkway. We hope the married couple goes to a better place but after the honeymoon it becomes a game of tolerance and who will crack first and use that 44 Magnum drunken uncle Squeak gave them as a present for home protection.

One wedding I went to had pictures of all the members involved placed neatly on the table in an area where guests were arriving. I observed that every person that came walking up to the table glanced 2 and 3 times at the table and thought they were in the wrong place. The couple being married was young, but the pictures were of people in old photographs in a bygone era. I surmised 4 people had died and it was a funeral with a mass burial mound. Others did too as they turned away and went back to their cars to check directions and name of venue. We did discover we were at the correct location and the pictures were of the parents from long ago. This should never have been done since it did attract funeral crashers looking for free food after the wake. That is term I do not understand in the slightest. You have a “Wake” for someone deceased. Should it not be called an “Eternal sleep” or “Do not wake me up ever again!”? I am sure it would be brown trousers time for everyone if the deceased “Woke” up.

We then have a celebration after both events, eating, drinking and exchanging stories of the deceased and the married and on how we fondly remembered them before these tragic events took place and took the lives of all our loved ones. Food is usually excellent at both as well as alcohol and both events are great for attempting to pick up grieving women. Although I am particularly appalled at the ceremony of cutting the death cake and having the spouse shove it into the deceased face messing up all the good work the mortician has performed. What amazes me is the expression on the corpse is so similar to the marriage cake asphyxiation ceremony. Fortunately, my Red Cross training has prevented death utilizing the Heimlich maneuver on 2 occasions.

All I ask is that try to differentiate these events as much as possible. I find that wearing a costume of Cupid makes me standout at weddings and as the Grim Reaper as funerals. At least they provide a few laughs as photos are taken of me with the recipients of both events.

Horroscopes

2008-09-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

Aries: A particularly obstructive aspect is likely to dampen your ultra competitive side, and although it’s great to relax once in a while you’ll find it nigh impossible to carry on playing tennis after that decapitation of your opponent occurred while awkwardly trying to backhand a return.

Taurus: Chances are that you’re back to work or school today, but duties or assignments will be the last thing on your mind! The part of the plan you have been missing to do away with your superior and get off scotch free has finally been figured out.

Gemini: The planets will bring the double whammy of a cash-flow problem and a friend who seems to be a bit of a wet-blanket! However, the planets are suggesting that you’ll need to exercise some sensitivity and tact so be loving and caring as you as you rob that friend of yours of the 564 dollars she is carrying and solve both these problems at once.

Cancer: It is possible that a lack of confidence will have you trying too hard at work or school, but the problem will actually be less significant than you first suspect. Picking that ancient lock to get to the rooftop of the building to throw yourself off will be far easier then you think.

Leo: The obstructive lunar aspect is likely to put you a little on edge today, and anyone who seems to be cramping your style or invading your space is likely to find out to their cost! Try to bear in mind that it’s the planets that are causing this edginess and not the Black and Decker chainsaw you are wielding and threatening them with.

Virgo: Don’t worry too much if you feel that you’re feeling over emotional today; the intense lunar aspect is impacting on a lot of people. The good news is that you’ll have an extra amount of insight, which will enable you to approach that particular problem about having an uncontrollable bladder and bowels in a new and creative way utilizing Glad Hefty trash bags.

Libra: Chances are you’ll be back behind a desk today, whether it’s work or school, and a couple of testing aspects are likely to manufacture one or two obstacles before the day is out, but your experience in the past of administering capitol punishment at a well known prison will let you handle these “problems” with exceptional ease.

Scorpio: Thanks to intense lunar influences you’re likely to feel as though everything is going wrong, and that no-one is listening to you! The truth is that there might be one or two very minor glitches, the electroshock treatment apparatus has lately been delivering more voltage then what the gages report and no one notices you are convulsing more then normal.

Sagittarius: You’re likely to have quite a mixed day today, thanks to the lunar influences, and you’re likely to be blowing hot and cold throughout. While you’ll be receptive to a friend’s suggestion, a relative’s advice may well irritate you, even if they are both saying the same thing pertaining to engaging in sex with each of their German Sheppard’s.

Capricorn: Thanks to a rather challenging lunar aspect you’re likely to be feeling somewhat pulled in two directions today. While something is pushing you forward, there’s also something holding you back. Take a deep breath and use all your strength to attempt to pull that portion of your clothing free which is sucking you into the escalator’s driving mechanism.

Aquarius: You might need to revise your budget or your spending plans today, because it looks as though your finances will take a slight dip! Avoid the mall; the police have been staking it out as of late since they got that tip from your neighbor about you selling meth there.

Pisces: Romance might not start off on a great note, but it will get better. Obstructive lunar aspects are likely to lead to some misunderstandings or some miscommunications, but by tomorrow, that obstructive aspect will shift, Those back woods cretins that you have been running from will catch you and tie you butt naked to a tree and tell you to ‘Squeal like pig!”

Perception

2008-09-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

A human’s perception is their reality. That is a short and succinct fact that all must deal with. If you believe short, emaciated, advanced beings are cruising around in space ships abducting various people performing anal probes upon them well then get that Kevlar buttock shield super glued to your ass and spend the majority of your time in the closet you lined with Aluminum foil to prevent the CIA from extracting all the secrets you keep tucked away that organ you call a brain. This also prevents them from re-programming you into believing you are the “Gay” Teletubbie. Damn, it is tough enough to be gay but to be gay around only 3 heterosexual Teletubbies that exist. That my friend is Hell!

My favorite literary character is Sherlock Holmes. He could never possibly exist just due certain incredible abilities and attributes that he possessed. No, that was John Holmes not Sherlock, see what I mean? Sherlock OBSERVED all that was in his environment at all times, this does not mean he did not possess a huge member but that fact was never mentioned by the author and now come to think about it, why did he hang with Watson ALL the time? This was a Yogi and Boo Boo bear relationship. He made logical deductions and suppositions based upon what he saw. We, as humans do no such thing. We can have a simple series of events transpire right before us and we do not “See” what happened at all. This is true especially in relating to another what happened.

A perfect example of this was a game we played as children called “Telephone”. One kid would whisper a statement into another’s ear and this would be passed down the line to several kids. The last person would then verbally relate what he was told. It went something like this… The first boy whispering into second boy’s ear “I caught Bobby the other day pulling the wings off a fly and eating them.” This goes down the line and when asked to repeat what was said, the last boy proclaims “I sodomized Bobby and he was a great lay and I cut his ding off and let it fly while beating him.” Unfortunately the last child in this example eventually became a well known Serial Killer but it is a fine example. Unfortunately we had to quit playing the game when AT&T started hiking the rates and we could not pay. Who said Monopolies do not wield power?

A great example of this has to do with movies and books. The problem we have is we do NOT just observe. We attempt to interpret based upon how we perceive reality. I went to a movie once with a lady friend and after wards I inquired what she thought of the film. She said to me. “It was wonderful. I loved how the main character (a woman) became entrenched in a myriad of life problems and struggled through the course of the movie, gained empowerment and took her life into her own hands!” We had just seen the movie the “The Howling” and all I saw was a bunch of werewolves transforming and eating people’s hearts. Well she did shoot herself while being broadcast on TV at the end while transforming so I guess that can be considered empowerment, I call it is suicide.

Another example of this is an experiment I tried once with 5 people. I asked everyone as they were sitting in their cube at work. “Describe your cubicle”. The minimalist said “It has 4 walls” A woman said “It is my home away from home, with all my flowers and pictures!” The person (not on the power curve) replied “I can lay under my desk and sleep and no one sees me.” The workaholic said “It affords me an area I can work in 19.873 hours a day as I strive diligently to die of a heart attack at age 34.” The pervert said “I see REALLY hot chicks in the patterns on the walls of my cube and the walls are tall enough that no one catches me masturbating!” Now that is truly disturbing to me. To think that one can describe their cube as only “having 4 walls” is incomprehensible to me. I did look at the masturbator’s cubicle and yes there were hot chicks in the patterns along with the face of Jesus de Christ so I think he is committing a mortal sin doing the nasty in that cube. He is just not aware of the 11th commandment ‘Thou shalt not sexually gratify one’s self unless in the privacy of a bathroom with a good lock on the door.” Many of us learn that one very early on.

It reminds me of a quote I use quite a bit and relate to many people from the great Albert Einstein that started a new hair trend when he was alive. He said “Going through life with no pants is very hard to do.” And then he quoted some equation he had formulated to back it up. He never won a Nobel Prize for it but it is oh so true! What a mind he had!

Chrome

2008-09-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

My technology informant, which has been a friend of mine for years, today brought to my attention that I could now download the beta version of Google’s new browser named chrome. I must admit my trepidation since this is the same person that convinced me that I had to simply buy a CD player a company had created that ran at 250X speed. He said the increase in speed would be phenomenal. Upon installation and start up, my neighbors complained immediately, since it sounded like a 747 was readying to taxi its self from the inside of my house.

I could forgive that if it were the only drawback to the product. Upon opening the CD player to remove my CD, the disc was catapulted at me in such a way that it reminded me of the character “Oddjob” from the movie “Gold Finger” utilizing his decapitating hat. Only in this instance I severed my left testicle and the CD was imbedded 2 inches into my door. Shortly there after I heard the CEO of “Cinterrifical” committed suicide by lying on top of two of his creations and disemboweling himself. He did not see the financial possibilities in selling these to the Japanese as ritualistic suicide machines. No more hands on needed or sharp knives.

I wondered about the name “Chrome”. Chrome is used to cover mundane materials to make it look appealing and attractive. Is this the connotation of the name Chrome, a mediocre programming project with something pretty as an interface to dupe people into using it? For all intents and purposes a ‘Chrome” piece of excrement is still a piece of excrement but it looks cool and an interesting mobile can be made from it for babies to play with or viable, working paper weights depending on the size of the fece. I believe that the city of Seattle has a Chromed Whale turd as a monument to the city. Many misconstrue this for the carving of Quezatcoatl that the city of San Jose had commissioned for an enormous amount of the tax payers money which many also believe to be an un-chromed piece of excrement.

If you are going to convey the wonderment and exhilaration to the public of a product you just created should you not go for the substances that are precious or rare? There is one angle to go with, a picture of Gollum sitting in front of his computer screen with the Google browser up hissing my “PRECIOUSSSS!” Look at just how valuable that damn precious was!

I would have loved to have been in on that brain storming session to come up with a name. Everyone is stumped or screaming out lame ideas for names such as “Explorer” (DOH!), or “Plate of Fish!” or “Weasels Rip My Flesh” when someone accidently is overheard talking to his colleague about getting some really cheap, on sale chrome faucets for his bathrooms. The head of marketing wets her pants and thinks it is the best thing she has heard since “Browseriffic!” Of course now she must contact Ron Popeil to do the infomercials for it. She also loved Ron’s hair paint which she used for years to mask the fact she was losing a tremendous amount of pubic hair.

Another very irritating fact has to do with the comic created to explain the features of the browser. Every character in the comic looks like a prepubescent, high school kid. I guess it must be true that you cannot be employed at Google if you are past the age of a Zygote. This reminds me of watching endless movies in which the entire detective and forensic team of a police force all look like they are still in high school. It is so incredibly plausible that the coroner that is 16 has completed college and med school and has 7 years of experience on the job. Another triumph for Ron Popeil and his hair paint! Do not take into consideration that the MAJORITY of the population is much older, but this is Google, They really can take excrement and make bank from it. They are working on their new product, the anal text messenger. Imagine typing messages to a friend by just squeezing your sphincter? The mind boggles.

Grocery Shopping

2008-08-25T19:59:00.001-07:00

Lately I realized my masochistic proclivities when it came to grocery shopping. Not only when dealing with other shoppers but when it came to checking out whatever products I appeared with when I was ready to leave the establishment by picking the inhumane self check out method which happens to have as an option “electrocution.”

One of the first things I notice is I always grab a hand held basket when I enter the store. I know full well that as soon as I hit the cereal section I will fill said basket immediately. I then proceed to play a variation of “stack the corpses” by believing that there is a particular way I can manipulate said boxes into the basket and still carry it not to mention, get more items into it. The weight also has a leaning Tower of Pisa effect which after a few minutes has me doing a perfect Igor impersonation as I slouch and sway as I walk around the market looking for brains to steal for the master. Why do I never get a cart and make life easier and just toss whatever crap I want into it in volumes? The reason? there are other people, or should I use that term loosely, shopping.

Many are mentally challenged when it comes to moving carts through the aisles of a super market. I encounter endless numbers of shoppers that stop dead in the middle of an aisle to make their selection, oblivious to the fact that someone wishes to get AROUND them or PAST them before we turn to dust and are swept up by the night crew with a shop vacuum. Lately I have taken to renting the handicap motorized vehicles at the market to drive. I can hit and run, grabbing what is needed as I whiz by and am gone before the ignorant cretin I creamed can crawl out of the shelving.

Yesterday I had an encounter with a women arguing with her 3 year old about cereal and why she is no longer buying any for him because he does not eat it. Was this a dialogue? No, The kid just sat there thinking to himself how good it would feel to crap his pants and had no concept what the Hell the flesh thing was doing, standing looking at him with an endless stream of “WONK, WONK, WONK” coming from her face. All I know is I wanted to get around her but she made this impossible especially when she launched into the “You are going to start looking at which college you wish to attend and quit being such a slacker!” speech. Damn it is tough being a baby today with that kind of pressure. The only pressure I ever felt as a baby was how quickly I could soil the new diapers placed on my bum. Come to think of it, there are many adults that are under that exact same pressure.

So here comes check out time. Many instances I can plainly see that checkers are not busy or there is only one person ahead of me but what do I opt for? I choose the torturous self check out. It is SO unreliable; the market must have a full time person there to deal with them. Many believe they are there to oversee people’s ability to be honest. HA, no it is because they are in a constant race back and forth between stations heinously screaming in a cacophony of satanic, digitized voices stating over and over “Wait for a clerk to help you.” I have seen 7 clerks die of myocardial infarctions because of this.

Why do I use the self check outs even after seeing grown men fall to their knees, crying and hearing the gnashing their teeth and acting like little girlie men? Well I also carry a camera and take many pictures and blackmail them on the spot. Just the threat of explaining to them that my camera takes naked pictures of them and I will peddle them to every grade school in the area showing all the kids their chubby thighs is enough to get cash handed to me. It is quite lucrative and pays for my toilet paper which is believe it or not is my most costly item since it is either made from 20 grit sandpaper to Silk. I cannot afford the silk but sand paper is a little extreme.

I know I have seen Satan’s face flash at least on 3 occasion’s upon the checkout screen as the voice told me 47 times to “remove the item from the bagging area and replace it”. I have become quite skilled at this and I can usually get two items checked out and paid for within 37 minutes.

There at least 25 different ways to pay for your goods. I personally always choose the “The person standing behind me will pay” method. Option 25 is just plain damn scary. I really do not wish to “Offer up your life to Cthulhu to bring the Old One’s back into our reality to rules over us in pain.” I know someday I will be tempted to push it when I am really down and depressed but fortunately for mankind I have not yet done so.

So yesterday I purchased a very angry and surly Great Mastiff which I will take grocery shopping with me from now on. Now, not only do I have something large enough to carry my groceries but also intimidate anyone from blocking my path to eating the self checkout station when Satan decides to rear his ugly head.

25 Things You Do Not Wish To Hear From Nearby Work Cubicles Near Work.

2008-08-17T18:42:00.000-07:00

1. “God Damn it, I accidentally left that sample of Eboli in the cafeteria refrigerator again and someone ate it!”

2. “Hon, no I did NOT buy a new brand of toothpaste, that is my anti-itch vaginal cream.”

3. “You mean to say even though I did that thing you wished me to do with your Great Dane you STILL want to break up with me? BASTARD!”

4. “Why did I forget my Depends on a day I am wearing white slacks?”

5. “Shit, I finally work up the nerve to go on a killing rampage and I have no bullets!”

6. “No I was NOT visiting porno sites! All these windows just keep popping open when I did a search on Richard Nixon.

7. “Doctor, there is this blackish green secretion spewing forth from my penis, should I worry about this?”

8. “Jim, I do not believe you should be standing next to me with your pants around your ankles showing me your new designer g-string underwear.”

9. “Baby, just because I am asking you to get an abortion for the 5th time does not mean I do not love you!”

10. “I am so sorry Mr. Nuncio, I just could not get the money I owe you. Is there anyway that you could break my wife’s thumbs instead of mine to try and encourage me to get the money?”

11. “Don’t worry honey, we will not lose the house, I know someone that will pay top dollar to buy the children into slavery. The house mortgage will be paid!”

12. “Damn it, why do I always slice my wrists in the wrong direction! SIGH!!!”

13. “Does anyone know who left the package on my desk that seems to be ticking?”

14. “Of course I will make this week’s pagan meeting, have you known me to ever miss a human sacrifice?”

15. “That is outrageous! I had no idea it would cost that much money to have EMTs extricate my erection from that vacuum cleaner! If I had known it would have cost that much I would have used the Dirt Devil.”

16. “You will just have to wait till I get home. I have no idea where I left the keys to the handcuffs. Just make the best of it.”

17. “Dear, how can you possibly accuse me of slipping you some kind of drug? I am sure there is a perfectly good reason why your butt hurts today.”

18. “Why am I having such a hard time tying this hang man’s knot? No one ever showed me because no one loves me!”

19. “Hey Jason, did you see that latest video on the internet of that woman having sex with 2 donkey’s and a spider monkey?”

20. “Of course Reverend Smegly, I will be there at 7 PM promptly, wearing my diaper so that I may receive my weekly punishment and powdering for my sins.”

21. “Ok which one of you freaks has been licking my keyboard and telephone again?”

22. “Uh oh there goes my colostomy bag again! The IT guy will NOT be pleased!”

23. “Why do you men always get SO upset when you discover you are dating a transvestite with a larger set of genitals then yours?”

24. “Well I have never tasted human flesh before but as long as I do not have to kill it, I am game!”

25. “Why does the choir I sing in insist on performing at 2 senior citizen nudist colonies each and every quarter? I am still taking meds given to me from a shrink from the last encounter with what one should never see that gravity affects!”

Continuity

2008-08-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

It has always been an irritating point with me when I watch a movie and the continuity squad or person there of in charge does not do what they are paid to do. This can result in just damn funny moments or piss me off just because it is laziness.

Over the weekend I viewed the Mummy 3 or was it the Mummy 23,456? There were so many undead in the movie I forgot. I think there really was only one mummy and all the rest of the legions of undead were various kinds but of course all undead in this movie are referred to mummies. I especially liked the terracotta undead solders that would look lovely in any garden or home with a gorgeous green covering of a plant of your choice. I personally would use 4 of them as a unique surround sound speaker stand system. Technically when turned to terracotta and you walk around, are you really undead? I think the Chia head terracotta undead soldier would be a big Christmas item. We have a gazillion undead erupt from beneath the Great Wall of China to do battle but they are in pretty bad shape missing all kinds of body part. I personally think these undead were particularly frightening since they had desiccated and shriveled up buttocks and just looked creepy running around nude.

Of course as we view the movie we see the evil emperor (was there ever a good one?) turned to terracotta in great pain. Later, as his temple is desecrated and his body removed, he is standing in a carriage holding the reigns of terracotta horses. What evil did these horses commit to get them transformed also? I mean the emperor’s concubines were just buried with him to die in the dark of starvation and lack of water. Now these were women and men he did every freaky sexual act known to man with. What freaky thing did he do with these horses for them to deserve that fate? So I wondered how the emperor went from one dynamic pose of pain while turning to terracotta mind you, to a pose of a clay horse jockey? I thought maybe they placed him in a big vat of water and waited for him to soften up a bit and then reposed him. That would explain why his left and right arms were on the wrong sides of his body and he had a penis for a nose. What really pissed me off was that he was wearing a pair of Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars and I know damn well they did not make the pink colored ones in that time period. Well the pose made no sense so it irritated me and I reached around the child sitting next to me and tapped him on the opposite shoulder, when he looked in the opposite direction, I took his red vines. Well he had to learn sometime right? Movie watching can be HELL!

There was a scene with Yetis that was interesting. As the movie was being made there was a coalition of the IWABWTYF (I Want A Baby With The Yeti Foundation) protesting outside the CGI studio to make sure they got the big guys looking correctly on screen. The biggest complaint from the crowd was the Yeti had no genitals. This I could easily explain. You live in the Himalayas and it is COLD up there, so when the Yeti are young, they virtually freeze their cojones off hence no genitals on adults. Female Yetis do not lose their breasts since they are covered in luxurious white fur which we saw in the Dec. 2006 issue of Playboy magazine and the 2 accompanying Heffner in the Playboy House Party 43 DVD. The 3 Yeti that appear in the movie also apparently had at one time had back surgery performed on the lower lumbar region of their backs since they could only bend forward and walk painfully with their rear ends sticking out. It was either pain or this is what is known as a Yeti booty call.

My favorite part of the movie deals with the son and the father. There is a horrible discrepancy dealing with age. The son looks way too old to belong to the father. I expected Brendan Frazier to say at any moment “Son, what are you older then me?” I had heard they had asked Paul Newman to play the role of the son but he stipulated the contract had to give him the rights to product place his newest salad dressing “Moroccan Mummy”. Sure would have been a great tie in to the movie.

There is word on a forth installment of the Mummy with Rush Limbaugh or Doctor Phil playing the part of the Mummy. Now I believe Doctor Phil will make a truly frightening mummy. Hell he scares the Be-Jesus out of me already. There is a mummy capable of controlling all reality TV shows and Oprah Winfrey. Limbaugh could make an interesting mummy if the plot relies upon him smuggling Viagra into the country for the 3rd time. Genius!

Things that go bump in the night

2008-08-04T19:07:00.001-07:00

As a child, I was scared shitless the majority of the time. Why do you ask? I happened to have an insane older sister that just happened to have experienced every occurrence of the supernatural ever encountered by man. At one time she claims to have even got into a Greco Roman wrestling match with the Chupacabra before it had even moved north into the U.S. from the south of the border. My brother had witnesses this so called encountered and confirmed the beast was a baby opossum with no teeth gumming a worm it had found.

Growing up, we were always assailed by horrendous stories of ghost traipsing through our house at all hours of the day and night. She even conveyed to me one morning that the previous night she had heard an otherly world entity moving furniture around downstairs. This did not frighten me so much since as I came to discover the spirit had great interior fashion sense and the living room always looked great. Now, if I could only pull out the Ouija board and attempt to get the spirit to work in the kitchen, life would have been great.

Of course I could never understand why a ghost or ghosts haunted our house since no one had died there. The only reason for one moving to such a remote location was the property they were haunting at the time must have had the rent raised significantly or they were just lousy ghosts. I have heard the theory countless times that ghosts are the dead that do not know they are dead. If this were true would you not just walk in on ghosts performing everyday tasks? You open the bathroom door and there is a ghost on the crapper or you walk in the living room and one is sitting on the couch watching a baseball game with his hand down his ectoplasmic pants? My sister said once she walked in on a female spirit getting dressed and the spirit asked her “If strips made her look too tall?” See you will never escape it.

There was the “Death Knocks” incident that still resonates in my head and I will never forget. The phone call was received one day and my sister informs me she had heard the “Death Knocks”. I, in earnest, asked what the Hell those were. She said as a girl, upon visiting my grandmothers home, they had heard the death knocks and Grandmother had said someone was going to die, No SHIT! Sure someone, somewhere in the world was going to die, what a REVELATION! I think my sister misheard my grandmother. She had really said “Meth Rocks!” (My sister did not know she was an addict). In latter years she heard the death knocks again and I investigated and found it was the neighbor’s over sexed St. Bernard humping the statue of St Francis on the back doorstep. Well in the end my Grand mother was correct, 32 years after hearing the death knocks my grandfather passed away. Damn, that sent shivers up my spine!

The last incident that I discussed with my sister was that she had a 7 foot tall, reptilian demon. At first, I thought she had mistaken this 7 foot reptile for a demon and it was really the son of Godzilla. I asked my sister how she knew he was a demon. She gave me a “What else could it be?” look. Well it could have been a wayward furry. I could not believe she had not asked him any questions. She of course got pissed at me. I told her I would like to know how he got assigned to her. Where on the scale of demons does he rank. How does the hierarchy of Hell work and how is it really to be a denizen of Hell? But all he does is walk around, sit, brood, read Cosmopolitan magazine, watch reality shows with has been celebrities in them and says nothing. Being a demon surely must SUCK!

She also believes herself to be psychic but that could not be further from the truth. She spent immense amounts of money on tarot cards, at least she thought they were but some unscrupulous bastard had sold her a deck of “Old Maid” cards which were useless except when the small ones came around and playing the game kept them quiet. She tried to read my fortune once and proclaimed my name would be changed to Coco Shanell but she was SO wrong. I had it changed to Coco Krisp.

When I think of my sister I am reminded of the scene in Ghostbusters when Ernie Hudson is interviewing for the job and after being read a series of supernatural events and entities he is to believe in, he replies ‘If it has a paycheck, I will believe in anything.” Unfortunately my sister believes in everything with NO paycheck! My favorite story she related to me had to do with astral projecting and ended up in the body of a male pit bull which was licking his groin. Well for some that would be a God send.

A Pirates Life For Me

2008-07-17T20:09:00.001-07:00

We as human beings display an incredible proclivity for taking focal points which in and of them selves are wholly negative and romanticizing about them. For instance if I were sitting in front of a Starbucks and happened to view a canine licking his groin I personally would think “YUCK, germs, bacteria, not to mention urine or fecal matter.” Of course the romantic sitting the next chair would view the same contemptuous action and think “If ONLY I could do that! I would stay home all day and night licking myself and be happy 24/7 with no problems in life whatsoever and sign a huge porno movie contract to make the movie Lick Me or Leave Me with Jenny Bigguns Warchoski.” You get the general gist. One of those focal points are Pirates which generally gets misconstrued with Pilates which was developed by a transgendered pirate that happened to play on a female Roller Derby team out of Kansas City.

Why does the romanticizing of pirates continue and why are they more popular then ever? When we see them in movies or see people dressing as they believe pirates did, we view pirates in baggy shirts that would cost 214 dollars to buy online today dancing around like ponces having a merry old time and never mean anyone harm. If you compare these guys in that light to the Norseman then the Vikings were a down home, loving and caring group of men that shared their emotions openly with one another while trading self help books written by Leo Buscaglia and John Bradshaw. To think that one would romanticize about a human being whose primary objectives in life were to be a knave, rogue, thief, murderer and rapist is quite preposterous indeed yet many brain dead individuals do. I remember when my dad used to pull the electrical switch at the big house during executions and how I so wished to be like him! I do not know why I get worked up about people that praise and love pirates so much I feel the same way about serial killers, they are just misunderstood!

There is a misconception that pirates on a whole were a brave and hardy bunch of lovable lugs when the reality is completely the opposite. There is an expert on pirates teaching at Brown University named Professor Braindin Heini that explains why pirates were a pack of imbeciles, that even a troop of baboons could hustle money out of selling them their scat as hair restoration fertilizer. “You see pirates many times lost an eye. They did not have information to call on the telephone as we have it today to call when we lose something. So in essence pirates had no depth perception what so ever. Danger would stare them literally in the face and the pirate thought the danger was still some distance off and could get away. This is why they are all DEAD today!” Wow I did not even think of that angle! This would also explain why so many players that get signed by the Pittsburg Pirates cannot hit a ball to save their lives.

I will give credit where credit is due. Pirates were one of the first exclusive gangs you could belong to. Sure you had to have unkempt hair and a beard that held everything you had been eating for the last 2 years. How about always having an endless number of SLIVERS in your bare feet and hands from walking and working with unfinished wood constantly? Oh to sail the seven seas with nothing but MEN on a ship for long periods of time? No wonder those ugly manatees started looking good to them as mermaids, hell after 7 months at sea, a knothole, whale blubber and slight breeze would get one hot! How one can misconstrue a manatee for a chick is beyond me but I guess drinking your urine for prolonged periods of time will do that. I can imagine on a cold and stormy night with the waves swelling to 25 feet, what a pirate thought when he had to go to the bathroom over the ship’s side. Now that is adventure my friend! They did not call it the poop deck for nothing. It is as far as the timid and fearful made it. They also shared a secret language that we today attempt to emulate with the “ARRRRR” sound. It is a little known fact that many pirates had IQs which soared into the low double digits so they had to just think a very long time before answering a question. “Captain, can I have more ale?” ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ok”

Most pirates did not even want to be pirates, there was no minimum wage and forget about insurance. Sure you might get a doubloon for losing a leg or arm but then you were tossed overboard as shark chum. One of the most famous pirates of all time was William Teach, which you all know as Blackbeard. Well his beard was really red and there is a funny story connected to the name Backbeard that involves Walt Disney and a female chimpanzee with diphtheria but I will not bore you with that. Needless to say Teach was a professor of science at a famous university when his students discovered him in the classroom nude covered in bread pudding with a chisel and wooden mallet attempting to split the first ale atom. He was summarily ousted and could only find work as a pirate captain mainly because he lied on his resume stating he had previous pillaging experience.

Pirates had a lot of booty. Men love booty and this has carried over to the present age, although pirates never saw anything but man booty. Today we enjoy booty of all shapes and sizes and even big booty is a sought after commodity. The practice of the “Booty Call” started with pirates and is still used today though it does not involve the 22 pound cannon balls nor the greased pig.

I await patiently the day when we all look to the Nazis as the exciting, lovable, carefree lugs that history paints them to be! Time for me to paint crossbones on me undies and raise them to the winds! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ok.

Fly the Friendly Skies

2008-07-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

When man first looked at the flying creatures in his world, he longed to join them in the endless, clear blue skies, to have no earthly constraints or boundaries and eat them. Through man’s ingenuity and evolutionary intellect he accomplished this task along with being able to transport alcohol to get completely inebriated while making passes at beautiful women employed to entice the male gender to fly the friendly skies which are smoggy and brown and wearily depressing especially in reference to LA where people must live in their cars for 7 hours at a time during commutes. Hmmm maybe there should be freeway stewardesses handing out drinks there?

When anyone speaks of flying, I always remember the worst flight I ever took. I was coming back from Connecticut and had to catch a connecting flight in Pittsburgh. I was flying a defunct local airline named Allegheny. It was a 20 minute flight to Youngstown airport which in actuality was some farmer’s fallow field he never planted. There was a building there but I never saw a human in the facilities. Once a herd of heifers wandered through looking for grass but did not stay long after they consumed the few lobby plants that were there.

When I went to board my plane I noticed it was a propeller passenger plane seating about 75-100 people. I might not have had reservations about the flight but seeing some garage grease monkey using a tire patching kit to fix the front nose tire and inflating it with a bicycle pump really bothered me!

I boarded the plane with 2 other passengers and took a wing seat which of course was not a particularly good place to sit when all was said and done. The captain came on over the intercom and proceeded to say he was flying us to some location in Ohio and he was looking at a map at that moment and using his sextant to figure out the direction. We had begun to taxi down the runway when he exclaimed rather loudly to his chagrin that he had dropped his bottle of Jim Beam on the control panel and it was sparking and smoking like Hell. The co-pilot also chimed in with a question to the pilot about “What are all these dial thingies to right down here?” Too late to run for the door which I found out later could not be sealed properly and had to be duct taped from outside!

We got into the air and climbed to a high elevation when it became apparent the AC was not working. The cabin temperature began to rise rapidly and breathing began difficult. The small AC units above my head were blowing volumes of hot air into me face. Anxiety began to set in and I was starting freak out. The person sitting 1 seat forward and the opposite row from me, opened a notebook and I could see she started writing her last will and testament. I ALMOST forgot about what was transgressing when she started writing about who she was leaving the small torture chamber and her collection of cat of nine tails to when the voice of the captain snapped me back to reality.

He apologized for the AC being out and kindly offered anyone having problems a shot of his whiskey “on the house”. I almost took him up on that offer when I looked out the window and saw oil spewing across the engine fuselage. This was not a “LITTLE” oil, it was quite an impressive amount. I thought I had spied some little green creature sitting upon the engine but upon closer examination I realized someone had blown their nose on the window and it had never been cleaned off.

Twenty minutes can be an eternity. The Captain came on the intercom again and said his name was Captain “Ape Shit” Smith and that he was a former biplane pilot and since there were only a few of us onboard, he wished to show us the famous maneuver that gave him that nickname. After the plane had performed 3 barrel rolls and a loop the loop, I saw my life pass before my eyes and part of it was being read by Walter Cronkite and he was asking David Brinkley about the part I was in which I found naked in a room with a bowl of chocolate pudding by my 4th grade teacher for some odd reason.

When he announced we were landing I could feel my sphincter loosen somewhat and I consciously realized I started breathing again. As we touched down, we hit the runway so hard I thought the front tire had blown which in all actuality could have happened when you are using a 4 year old, bald tire taken from a 1968 Buick. Fortunately it was just a wayward goat that had wandered onto the runway to eat the grass growing up through the pavement.

They pulled the duct tape from the door as we 3 three passengers were scrambling like insane people to it in a desperate attempt to get the Hell out of the plane. Me being the gentleman that I am, placed the woman in front of me in a full nelson and pile drived her into the carpet which I noticed curiously had been autographed by Wilbur and Orville Wright. I also took her business card from her suit jacket since women with torture chambers and cat of nine tails are hard to come by, well at least back then they were!

As I exited the plane, Captain ‘Ape Shit” Smith stood there thanking me for flying Allegany. It was the first time I have ever punched a senior citizen standing, balanced on their walker in the face.

Brainwash

2008-06-30T19:53:00.001-07:00

Last week I finally was able to live through the experience of being brainwashed. How did I accomplish this? Was I kidnapped by some evil religious cult programming me to serve their will? Was my mind altered to perform some heinous action against my own country? Was I being made to believe I look great in a pink tutu and could make on “Dancing With The Stars?” No, I was taking a networking class. Yeppers, the CCNA boot-camp. This is a class that runs 11-12 hours a day for 5 consecutive days which also includes homework which keeps you burning the midnight oil will 1 to 2 AM. You jump into bed and get up at 6 AM and start all over again.

Being inundated by such a technical tsunami of information, one forgets everything else currently in their life. Did I have a girlfriend, did I normally go to a job, did I have a penis? At first, being in a room with 17 diverse people looks to have interesting aspects to it but that quickly erodes away when by Friday afternoon you realize 9 hours of the 58 spent in class were listening to the instructor attempt to answer on the whole, idiotic questions. By Wednesday afternoon, the original instructor had to be replaced when we all witnessed him commit seppuku in front of the class with a webcam after someone asked the question “What if a router were placed in the rectum of an elephant that faced south and started to walk toward the South Pole, could we still stack an ACL with EIGRP onto an interface port without causing the pacaderm to lose it’s appetite or what it had previously eaten 2 hours prior?” There was more then one occasion when I felt my hand being drawn towards a plastic knife with a serrated edge to cut my wrists but realized it would be more efficient to gnaw through my veins with my teeth. One gentlemen was so persistent in asking stupid question that he was found dead in a cooler full of water bottles on Thursday morning and no one acknowledged they had seen him nor cared. People just opened the door and asked him to hand them a bottle and laughed.

One aspect of the wearing down of the thought pattern also has to do with nutrition. Caffeine and sugar are the two biggies and we ingested vast quantities of each. It is curious how that is all they had, donuts, chocolate, cookies, soft drinks, a sculpted Gnu made from cake frosting. For me, lack of sleep and an overload of these two substances have a very similar effect to what Al Pacino experienced in “Scarface” when he snorted a turkey platter full of cocaine. The only difference being that all the white dust on my face is from powdered donuts and the white moustache from milk. The occasional pounding of my head upon my terminal and keyboard and screeching like a Chihuahua was also distracting to others but by that time I was sitting among a roomful of demons and my quoting the emancipation proclamation thinking it was an exorcism rite only perplexed them.

I found myself only able to think of networking constantly. When I fell asleep I would dream of Marilyn Monroe standing seductively naked in front of me begging me to solve her TCP/IP problem. I found myself becoming aroused upon viewing a PPP client/ISP model. Who needed sleep? I would just read another couple chapters and answer more questions and lie in bed looking at the ceiling at a spider’s web and thinking how it reminds me of a star network.

By Friday evening, all I could think of was networking. There was nothing else. I did not sleep all weekend for it always culminated in solving a network problem. I had a friend invite me over Friday night to watch a movie with explicit sex in it. I just commented on how much more effective delivering the package to the destination would be using OSPF or for that matter a more effective tunneling scheme. I began to understand why so many men like networking. Saturday morning found myself replacing the shoe laces in my tennis shoes with Cat5 cable even though I know throughput would be increased with Cat6.

I finally returned to work today and I was quite uncomfortable to say the least. I realized the underwear I had made from electrostatic bags is just not a breathable material and chaffs horribly. Besides it makes a loud crinkly sound as I walk.

Biblical X-Men

2008-06-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

As I was growing up I found myself enamored with comic books. This ran an entire gamut of characters from the comical to the super hero. Super heroes were a particular favorite of mine since they exhibited powers we could never possess. I was particularly fascinated by the heroes that had mundane or tragic lives while at the same time being despised or questionable as a hero. It came to my attention today that I was completely incorrect about this. Super heroes have existed, all you need is faith. I call them the Biblical X-Men. The Bible is replete with beings with extraordinary powers and all kinds of crazy chicanery always taking place.

First off, in the Old Testament, the life span of humans was insane. Methuselah lived for over a 1000 years. For that matter, many lived ridiculous live spans. What do you do for 1000 years in that part of the world at that time period? Tend sheep, fish, wander the desert in search of a burning bush, chase young chicks around at the local Hooters? I think it would be a pretty damn boring existence unless of course you were swallowed by a whale and rode around in his belly for awhile to break the monotony. So super long lives! This is a power I personally would not want. You imagine the condition of your skin by the time you are 200? No skin products then. Well I am sure you could use goat or sheep fat, it could help. So by the time you are 1000, you would be a pile of crusty, dry skin not to mention the fact you had not had an erection for 956 years. Dust in the wind man.

Joshua or the person people refer to as Jesus was the bomb. He was the first cloner and he did it on the spot. At the Sermon on the Mount he cloned bread and fish so everyone could eat. It took scientist decades to get to where we are presently. He turned water to wine. A little known fact is he controlled weather also. During a storm, his disciples were scared crapless so Jesus yelled at the storm to subside and it did. He was enjoying 40 winks and nothing pisses you off more then your disciples having no faith! Walking across water was also a specialty, this came in handy when he sliced his golf balls into the water traps when he played 18 holes once a week. He healed the blind and lepers so he had incredible healing powers. The topper was coming back from the dead. Comic book heroes do that all the time but Jesus de Christ was the first human to do so. I bet he could have kicked Mike Tyson’s ass in the ring.

Then we had Moses that was able to part the Red Sea and let his people march across it. Of course that was a problem since many of his people were gathering fish along the way for a tremendous fish roast they had planned after reaching the other side. Mose was screaming “People, we don’t have ALL day here! It takes a lot of energy to hold back this water and I am not doing this just for the fun it!” He was long winded also. After wandering the dessert for years, he also returned with a killer pompadour. This also changed hair styling history.

Aaron had a staff which turned into a serpent and when the king brought forth his magi, they replicated the trick by creating snakes from staffs but Daniel’s snake ate them all. I wish I had this power. If an abusive police officer pulled me over and started raking me over the coals, I would have my staff transform and have it crawl into his pants and randomly start biting. Drive away, no ticket. It would be a good way to chase people away and rid myself of small animals I don’t particularly like.

There was Joshua and his priest that sang for seven days and their voices brought the walls of Jericho down. This is either super sound waves or super halitosis, we will never know for sure.

Those were exciting times. You never knew when your city would be ravaged by angels or for that fact death himself and you were a goner! That happened quite a bit. Or you are walking along and look back at your significant other and she turns into a pillar salt. Why not a tasteful statue of a swan or dolphin? I know too many people that would look intentionally. Why could it not have been a pile of tasty potato skins with sour cream?

We had Samson of the super strength that when he first manifested his strength as a child tore a lion apart. It relates in the Bible that up to that point men only tore goats apart with their bare hands so he set a new precedence. I myself cannot tear a phone book in half. I might be able to tear a small rodent apart. A goat, no way, too damn mean and they bite and kick. I have seen dwarf and grandpa tossing so I guess tearing goats apart is not too far fetched. Not only did he have super power but he started the long hair trend that became so acceptable for later generations. I truly believe he was the first man to wear a mullet and that is why his lady cut it off.

You think George Romero got all his Zombie movie idea from his imagination? No, he read about Ezekiel raising his zombie army to go into battle. I think the movie “Army Of Darkness” was loosely based upon this especially the part when Ezekiel turned to his woman and said “Give me some sugar baby!”

This list is endless. Why was that time so exciting? You never knew if you would meet your demise at the hands of a ass’s jawbone or have the angel of death come and take your first born or if it would rain for 40 days and night and your crops still die from lack of water. I just want to know how the big “G” meister dealt with all the aquatic life and birds during the Ark escapade. Did he destroy all the evil fish and birds? We can only hope.

Memories

2008-06-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

This was written by a friend of mine and sent to me. Sometimes the first impression we make upon an individual can have quite an impact over the course of their lives. This is one of those instances. I look back upon this with great fondness...

I would like to tell you about the first time I met Lee and how it changed my life.

It was many years ago, and I was a much younger man. I did not really know how the world worked and had not seen the darker side of humanity. I was very idealistic and believed that one person could make a difference. A friend of mine was involved with a group from his church that did a lot of charity work in different communities. He suggested I join them in their effort to make people's lives a little better. I gladly took him up on the offer and reported the next day to the local community center to get my assignment.

When I arrived I could fell the electricity in the air, the place was buzzing with young, eager people like myself ready to make a difference. It was amazing! I had never seen anything like that then, nor since. I was quickly given my assignment and briefed on the details. I was going to Agnews mental hospital. Growing up in this area, I was familiar with the name. We would often joke about the place "You're mom is in Agnews, the nut house!" and so on. As a child, it was just a funny place where crazy people were housed.

I drove out to the hospital. As I pulled in I said to myself "What a depressing looking place". The buildings were old and had a dirty off-white paint job on them. The trim was cracked and rotting in many places. As I walked to the main office I noticed how poorly kept the grounds were. There were bushes and trees that had not been trimmed in quite awhile, the only benefit the poorly kept yards gave, was to hide some of the dilapidated buildings. As I walked up to the office I heard a rustle in the bush next to the stairs. What caught my eye was a cat. A tabby I think, the cat was full of mange and had what looked to be some form of eye infection. His face was slightly swollen and his left eye was weeping fluids. The cat quickly ran back into the bushes, and let out what I can only describe as agonizing meows. I went inside and told the lady at the counter who I was. She asked me to take a seat and someone would be out to show me around.

As I sat in the lobby I could hear what sounded like screams in the far distance. I thought to myself " Those cant be screams, its too many and to often, probably an air conditioning unit or something. This place is old". After reassuring myself that this was NOT some house of horrors, a man stepped up to me and said "You ready for the tour kid?" This man was a giant, he had a heavy build and was at least six four. He was all dressed in white with only a black belt giving his uniform any color. He had large, worked hands, like the hands of some of my father’s friends that were gnarled and calloused from years of abuse. The man’s face was hard and devoid of any emotion. I had read stories about characters with "cold eyes". But I had never seen any in real life until I met this man.

He introduced himself as Bob and led me off through a locked door and into the facility. I was horrified to learn that those noises were in fact screams and they only got louder the further in we went. I turned to Bob and asked him "what's wrong with those people?" He smiled and said "they're crazy!", he then let go a quick belly laugh. It was then I realized two things, Bob was not made of stone and for a brief second his face had the ability to show emotion. Also, I would not be asking Bob any more questions. I was just starting to get used to the screams when another guard let us through a set of locked doors. My senses were assaulted. it was a blitzkrieg of smells and images and louder screams. The odor made me ill. I had to pause and lean on the wall for a minute. The smell of human waste and filth was everywhere, mixed with the choking odor of bleach and industrial strength solvents. I quickly gathered myself and pressed on with Bob.

We would pass patients just freely walking around, some in hospital grounds and some with nothing on but their own filth. One man was just sitting in the corner slapping his own face, another was randomly yelling and screaming for help. I was dizzy with the smell and the horror of what I was seeing, some patients would grab at me, Bob would quickly pull their hands away and tell them to get back in their room. I suddenly found myself on the ground, not noticing a patient that was on all fours that I tripped over. Even though I had tripped over the man, it did not stop him from repeatedly licking the corner of the wall. Bob yelled "God damn it Lee, I told you to stop licking that wall!" Bob helped me to my feet and took Lee back to his room. I stood there in the middle of all this madness and got my first real life education of mans inhumanity towards his fellow man. When Bob returned I told him I was ready to go, I could not get out of that place fast enough. I did not make it to my car before vomiting into one of the bushes. My head was spinning, I was quickly losing my rosy outlook on life. My idealistic beliefs were now all in question. I was never the same after that day, my outlook on life and other people had forever been darkened.

Looking for my lithium,

Sil.

Every Dog Has Their Day

2008-06-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

Aw the early days of the summer months are upon us and they are those I relish with a passion. The mentally retarded bird that returns each and every year is back singing at 3 AM and pissing everyone off that lives with ear shot distance. The next door neighbor that has assembled a ½ dozen bunk beds for his studio apartment and has junk piled to the ceiling remains a mystery to me even though he does have a hot blonde girl friend that mysteriously screams out frequently in the night for a hot dog to be placed into some buns. I find a new dent in my car daily from the kids playing little league on the diamond across from me. They insist on practicing their batting 2 feet from the cars parked on the street instead of going INTO the park to do so. Is this their faults? No, it is their encephalitic coaches that instruct them to do so. This flaw is pointed out to them frequently but all I get is the far away, “I have no brain and can only speak in monosyllabic words” look. I do feel sorry about the insurmountable fee that they must pay to purchase custom made hats for their HUGE heads. I can never find a parking space since every dog owner in the area is utilizing the dog park down the street. Dog owner meet outside with their dogs howling and barking wishing to tear each other apart on a constant basis. It reminds me of being in a Lon Chaney Jr. werewolf movie at times. The soccer heads that show up and drink heavily and collapse on the field in alcoholic stupors letting everyone know they are wearing no underwear as they hang forth as small children and squirrels run away in horror. It is amazing at how little things change over the long haul living where I live. Nutty neighbors, brain dead animals and people unaware of others with concern only for themselves or others having to view their genitals, the list goes on…

I believe I will make this summer a little more entertaining at least for myself and for the people engaged in all these endeavors. I found online where I can purchase dog pheromones. I can sneak into the dog park with the pheromones placed in a squirt gun. I can easily conceal this and just stroll around spraying people with it. Imagine a person’s surprise when they are knocked to the ground by 3 amorous Rottweilers, that proceed to hump them into a stupor? As panic ensues and people run for their lives from a pack of Chihuahuas with erections, that is the time I play my trump card, Bubaturdes, the 14 year old, half domestic and half bobcat feline. Buba is bred for battle and will attack anything that exhibits any semblance of life and draws breath. Incredible quick, ruthless, and deadly, he honed these skills molesting and brutalizing bums for their hooch. I believe that the carnage that would ensue and the media coverage of the mayhem of owners being raped by their own pets as well and having faces ripped off will deter the use of the park for awhile and maybe the smell of dog fecal matter will abate and I will not have to pass out every time a breeze blows in the direction of my abode.

The soccer heads are easily taken care of by running electrical wires to the goal and sitting at a distance and waiting until one or more of them lean up against it to BS. Turn on the current and watch them go into convulsion and then turn off. I could also use the old Trojan Horse ploy. I thought about using a dog as the horse since I am sure one or two bodies will be available after the dog park carnage but we will keep it simple. A mysterious cooler is sitting on the playing field when they arrive in typical clothed fashion absent of any under garments. One opens the chest to discover it is full of ice cold beer. Any brand will do since they are all alcoholics anyway so the cheaper the better. These have been treated by taking poison ivy and rubbing all the bottle with it. It is inevitable for the soccer heads to not only touch their bodies constantly while perspiring but they also must constantly be tucking their genitals back in their shorts. As the first signs of blisters appear, not only will they know pain\irritation but they will also be beaten senseless by their wives\girlfriends, which are larger and have more facial hair then they do, since it is suspected they have all contracted a venereal disease. Every one suffers and soccer is forgotten about. This is chemical warfare in a natural, green way. Do not say I am not an environmentalist!

I have attained some night vision goggles in hopes of silencing my long time retarded bird foe. Unfortunately I have not spotted him but more disturbing is the naked 87 year old woman I spot in the dog park rolling around on the grass. The first time I was witness to this, I did not eat for 2 days and I given up the search for the retarded bird. He can now sing with impunity since I will not ever look in the park after dark again and I wish to remain capable of eating food although I do now know why the elderly smell the way they do.

I believe the ball diamond will never be reconstructed after little Jimmy makes contact with a pitch as the C4 in his bat simultaneously explodes. This of course will immediately be attributed to the ape shit, win crazy parents or coaches that torture and maim 6 year olds believing they should possess the ability to play baseball on the same level as Willie Mays did in his prime. For contemptuous acts such as this, they need to be tried by the Spanish inquisition and burned alive. I am sure they will still be screaming about how little Billy botched that potential unassisted triple play as he was standing on third base picking his nose and chewing it and contemplating crapping in his pants, when they should be asking the big “G” meister for forgiveness. But such is the slam bang, sit on the edge of your seat world of kid’s baseball. Teach them early to HATE life and brain dead birds.

Italian Pain

2008-06-03T17:47:00.001-07:00

One aspect of life that I love is that we seem to experience and remember events that are the exact antithesis of one another. The best we have come across and the worst. These seem to get ingrained within our memories never to be forgotten. For instance that vacation that you started in which you had a horrible case of nonstop diarrhea that halted any and all activities for 4 days or the elation of having that hot looking prostitute you owed 200 dollars to leaving the premises thinking that she was already paid (repeated blows to the head will do that). How about the time your friends took you to that exotic restaurant and they were kind and ordered your meal for you and at the end of the last bite inform you that you have been eating flaming hog balls? The look on your face was priceless and they can ALMOST forgive the broken nose received because of it. We seem to become interlaced with these events and never forget them no matter the effort put forth to eradicate them.

Saturday evening I experience such an event. It was of a negative nature. A meal I will never forget even though I wish too. I found my self awakening upon Sunday morning from turbulent dreams screaming “No MAS, NO MAS!” At first I thought I have having a dream about Mike Tyson trying to eat my right buttock smothered in KC BBQ sauce with the BOLD taste but then all I too quickly remembered what I wanted no more of. Two of us on Saturday night made a BAD decision to eat Italian food. This is not inherently a bad decision except we chose a place we were not familiar with. I should have understood the meaning of name and context it is used in. Its name was Mama Mia. Now anytime I have heard that term it has ALWAYS meant “What the HELL!” or “WTF!” Even the cute ABBA song by the same title uses it in that context. After eating at the establishment, I realized those very words came out of my mouth 243 times.

The place was packed so we thought it must be good. Never assume popular equate to good. For instance many men jump and run in front of 1 ton bulls in Pamplona. This is very popular even though some end up with another posterior orifice compliment of a bull’s horn and must wear diapers the rest of their lives. After tasting the food I came to realize everyone in the place with the exception of a few, had only one taste bud operative in their mouths and it only understood spicy “HOT”. We sat and were promptly given menus by Mr.. Clean. He no longer does TV commercials since he is now animated so he now is a waiter at this place. He was always disturbing to me in many ways. He wore an ear ring and had bushy eyebrows and a hairless head. I always thought the creators tried to make him look like a genie in some way but he just looked like the kind of guy that would tie you up and beat you with a leather whip. Maybe that is why women in the commercials were always so happy to see him! He made the house immaculate and was proficient at S&M. Well Mr.. Clean was a troll and I did not like him. I hate looking into a face with a false smile unless of course sex is involved then it is irrelevant.

We were brought bread and a plate with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. This is an American Italian dish. There is nothing to start a meal with something that does not taste “right” for some reason. “WTF!” We had not eaten all day so we would eat anything at that point and unbeknownst to me this was the highlight of the meal. I ordered fettuccine alfredo and my companion ordered spaghetti with a meatball and sausage. How can you screw those up?

We both order salad and are promptly given them by Mr.. Clean. “MAMA MIA!” Both of us hate salads that are only lettuce and nothing else. To make matter worse, they are comprised of weeds and not lettuce. I choked mine down and wonder how herbivores can exist upon food that tastes like dirt. My companion could not eat the salad and after I forced down a few bites I gave up. What remained on the plates was taken away I presume to give to other customers which ordered the same thing after we leave. Waste not want not!

We see Mr.. Clean walking towards us with these HUGE bowls and I being hungry enough to eat human flesh (Which happens with frequency) start salivating and the thought of eating allot of pasta and sating myself permeates my little brain! He sets the plate down in front of me I peer into it. “WTF!” There are barely enough noodles to cover the bottom of the bowl and the sauce looks like someone heated milk with chives. I am so dumbfounded I am speechless. Mr.. Clean dumps off the bowls quickly and silently and runs away. This is the smallest portion of food I have ever received anywhere in my life! I did not know pasta was SO in demand that there is a shortage of it apparently. My companion began to eat the spaghetti and got 2 forks worth in their mouth when the complaint it was too spicy to eat was made a grab for my lemonade to cut the burning. “MAMA MIA!”, spicy spaghetti and sauce? I took 2 bite of the spaghetti to test it and my scalp began to sweat! A couple had been seated at the next table and she was complaining to her male escort that her soup was “TOO” spicy to eat. Hmm spicy minestrone soup, imagine that? Two children at the next table began to cry because they had touched their food and had then rubbed their eyes and it was burning. Suddenly I thought maybe this was the beginning of apocalypse but then I surmised it was a renegade cook that thought habanera peppers were an integral part of every Italian dish.

By the end of the meal we are looking at each other in a dazed fashion. What had just happened? Mr.. Clean never came back to ask if we needed anything. If he had I would have requested a stomach pump. He walked past our table very quickly with a pitcher of water in front of his face and threw the check at us. The check was for 50 bucks “SOB!”, we then proceeded to write on the check what we thought of this crap hole. I truly think once of the primary ingredients in every dish was Mr.. Clean! After we left, we proceeded to Der Wienerschnitzel to eat at least something that tasted good! Let me tell you something, when you eat a food product comprised of lips and assholes and it kicks the ass of a trendy restaurant, life is out of balance.

I suffered the aftermath of that wonderful meal in the wee hours of Sunday morning “WTF!” as my body purged itself of the poison from multiple orifices. Needless to say, I have already put together a few detonators with C4 to spare anyone further gastronomical damage incurred upon another of my fellow humans. Is there such a thing as a terrorist food attack? “MAMA MIA!”

Ox Parts

2008-05-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

I had quite an experience at lunch one day last week. A friend and I accompanied 3 co-workers to a Vietnamese restaurant. There is usually a little trepidation when I enter places I know prepare much of their food in shell fish based broth and with good reason. I swell up like a body tossed into the salting ocean and cease to breathe which since I love to eat, can be a problem! Fortunately the menu was written in English and in Vietnamese so I had no problem seeing what the top two dishes were that the establishment was known for. The number one special was spicy noodles with various beef pieces tossed in. The second dish was the same except that it had ox penis in it.

My friend had a great deal of difficultly with this since he is a homophobe and thinks he hears me making comments that allude to the fact that I am gay such as “I am going to kick you in your testicles!” You can see how easily that can be misconstrued for “I am gay.” I , myself have no problem with ox penis as long as it is still on the ox, and I am not referring to one of the guys I work with that uses that nickname. My friend’s problem is he is so homophobic that touching the penis of any male, even be it of another species, makes him gay. That is fine but I have observed him in the bathroom at work utilizing a urinal and wearing rubber gloves and chop sticks. This is taking things just a little too far.

There are distinct entities in the known universe I will never understand and one of them if the consumption of the nastiest things in nature to give you sexual prowess. Why can it never be a delicious ice cream sundae or a nice, thick BBQed steak? Why Ox penis? I would believe if you kept the anatomical feature in question whole it would be of more use as a sexual aid or as a weapon to fend off and prevent prison breaks.

Needless to say the ox penis could have been served in a different fashion. I mean, they are so huge they certainly did not fit in the bowls they were served in. Upon the bowls being set on the table, some just flopped out of their bowls onto the floor. Maybe if they had been served in hot dog buns it might have been more presentable. In the midst of all this discomfort, two men vehemently began arguing with one another and of course this ended up with one being slugged in the face with an ox penis and was knocked out cold. Well the weapon in question can be compared to a miniature Louisville slugger. Thankfully the restaurant also had plenty of ox urine on hand to throw into the face of the unconscious man and revive him.

I have also witnessed men eating dried deer penis thinking it will make them viral when all it does is give them bad breathe a strange, powdered milk moustache. There is also Spanish fly which is not a fly but a beetle and causes tissue irritation. It can cause painful urination, fever, bodily discharge, cause permanent damage to the kidneys and genitals. Wow, just what I need to feel aroused! We also have Rhino horn which is another one on that list is best used as a weapon or left on the poor beasties face instead of grinding it up and consuming it. Chocolate has long been considered an aphrodisiac, of course it does not work, but eating 25 pounds of it and becoming a fat ass does make us feel better for some reason until we realize we have become fat asses. Slimy, raw oysters are also suppose to do the job but I think they would be more effective if we just jumped into a pile of shucked oysters naked with a gas mask on and our bodies covered in virgin olive oil and squirm around.

This also reminds me of Rocky Mountain oysters. I see those from time to time on a menu and I still have yet to see anyone eat them. I would think that any date that observes you eating any of this crap would get up and flee from you! It is an ANTI-aphrodisiac! This is supposed to make you a sexual tyrannosaurus? You have to face to the fact that you just like to consume mammal genitals. We could make this less offensive and obtain and eat small rodent genitals and I am sure you will attain the same effect and reaction to this. One of loathing and the desired object not wishing to touch you in any way shape or form!

Needless to say I did buy two bowls of the ox penis soup and I am currently using them in a martial arts class I am enrolled as numchukas. I do have to keep up on the maintenance though which means I must soak them everyday in beef broth or they go shrinky dink on me and are then as effective as wielding two frozen Artic Mole penises.

Well all this talk of food is making me hungry. I wonder what parts of the cow or bull are left that has not been eaten.

Does Love Die?

2008-05-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

This bit of thought is not along the usual lines that I convey in these pieces but since I do belong to the same species as all of you (though some are very dubious of that claim) I actually do feel the myriad of emotions that we as humans all share and experience.

The thought came to me this morning how we, as a race of emotional being, deal with the loss of love. Dealing with person’s death, especially one that is close to you, is having to cope with 2 separate facets. The loss of love that is now terminated and what you have received to this point is in fact the end of it and with the cessation of corporeal existence having to cope with the fact that this person can no longer provide further joy.

Please try to stay with me if my thinking becomes convoluted. We as human, wish to continually grow emotionally in wisdom and intelligence. There is a utopian place we wish to reach but so few ever do. Many become trapped, whether through lack of trying or caring or apathy, to ever strive to become what we ultimately can become. Love is the zenith of this process. Love of self creates respect of self and belief in one’s self in every aspect of being.

Religion is based on faith. One has to have an unshakable, stalwart belief in the concepts they hold passionate. Unfortunately the majority of religious people I know display they do not have faith in their beliefs what so ever. Love of self is precisely based upon the same concept of faith. Faith in one’s self. If that foundation is missing or unsubstantial, how can we possibly love another when in essence all we end up perpetually seeking are those that will provide that emotional sustenance which we ourselves cannot supply?

I have a close friend at the moment that is terminal with cancer. She is very courageous, more so then I have ever been in my life. Events such as these test your internal fortitude and I am failing. How do I act around this person I love that has essentially been closer to me then my own family? How can I not cry when I look in her face and think she will not be there in a month? I had a friend that gave me a piece of advice that I had to implement and that was “To act as if everything is ok”. It amazes me that I can sit with her at dinner for 2 hours and laugh the entire time and earlier that day listen to another person cry and moan about every aspect of her life when she is blessed in so many ways. Many people will just never “get it” and I know I am guilty of that shortcoming sometimes.

So I find myself crying lately off and on, at work and at home because this person I love will not be there anymore. What I thought this morning as I lay in bed and the night passed into the light of another day was love is happiness. I have had much strife in my life and I have been through some tough times but when I think about it, where ever there was love, there was happiness. Both come to us in bits and pieces and many of us just do not step back and acknowledge what joy has been presented to us as a gift. Many times we just let it pass us by like some complete and utter stranger walking past us on the sidewalk. Happiness is an amalgamation of love. Love of laughter, love of people, love of art, love of hobbies, etc. Why is it so hard to understand that happiness as well as love are not perpetual entities? We think we will meet someone and be in love the rest of our lives when a good percentage of the relationship is conscious work. It is not all joy and happiness and unfortunately includes every other emotion, many negative, we possess. The love and happiness we experience in bits and pieces have to be gathered as precious stones and tucked away for when we forget what it is like to experience those joys and are mired in sadness.

Emotional growth is gauged in many ways. One is to look back on a relationship and see the good that was in it. It may have ended in disaster but there are the bits and pieces of happiness that can be extracted from memory and relished. It can be bitter sweet at times since we craved much more then we received. Many destroy those memories with hateful thoughts to try and “get over it” quickly or make it easier to forget, a heinous transgression for emotional well being and growth.

This morning I looked at a picture of a woman I loved at one time and still do. Both of us are smiling in the picture and her smile was completely heartfelt as well as mine. I did not think of all the strife we encountered being together or the pain we both felt at times as I examined the picture. I saw a face that had dreams and desires, wants and needs and at that moment in time, she had them all and so did I. How could I look at this picture and NOT smile and shed a tear because of the joy we both felt at that moment? It is moments such as that, our existences rely and must be built upon. For in that moment love never died and is forever immortal.

The Meeting

2008-05-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

Yahoo IM Chat:

SuchRedHair Lee, I think we need to talk!

AmateurAlienRectalPhotographer I want to. We have so much in common it frightens me. I would really love to meet you.

SuchRedHair Do you know where the Coach Restaurant is located?

AmateurAlienRectalPhotographer Yes I do

SuchRedHair I will meet you there around 9ish, I have another friend I am seeing after work, ok?

AmateurAlienRectalPhotographer I will see you there.

"Here I am standing out in front of the right place and she is not here. I checked the bar and she is not there so maybe she just got hung up." I look up at the sign and suddenly get an awful feeling. "I thought she said this location but I might have mistaken what she said! I would feel like such an ass to get online and have to explain "DUH, I thought it was the place on Hillsdale and Bascom!". Nothing like clearly showing what a boob I am right off the bat. I can hope for a Field Of Dreams ending of redemption if she is forgiving!

Jesus, here I am talking out loud to myself again and doing my rain man routine. Nervously I am pacing and trying to anticipate what is to come. Everything she has said to me has amazed me from the first as we chatted. I seem to be so much like her. I cannot believe I am meeting this person after just chatting a few times. I must be crazy but with what she says I do believe we have so much in common. I am glad she recognized this and recommended meeting. I believe I have something to learn from this woman. I am so glad I adopted that philosophy after so much self introspection in the last year. Here I am opening myself up to new people and opportunities, placing myself into situations I would never in the past ever even contemplated doing. My growth as a person continues. Pat myself on the back!

I step out to the edge of the sidewalk and glance at the cars in the parking lot. It is chilly and the condensation of my breathing is quite noticeable. It is in times such as these, one cannot pass gas without truly giving away you have done so. Two guys dressed like Hell's Angels are standing behind me talking and smoking. I wince as I breathe in the second hand smoke. Seems you cannot escape it. Maybe passing gas is not such a bad idea at this point. I wonder if they would take it as a true insult and beat the crap out of me? I still think the nicotine shot would replace the cigs if people were given the choice.

I am beginning to think I have been stood up when I turn my head to the left and spot an attractive redhead walking my way. It is her, unmistakable, the face, the red hair. They really do fit her moniker. Maybe I should have brought a camera to reflect mine.? AmateurAlienRectalPhotographer, what the Hell was I thinking? I walk up and introduce myself awkwardly or least it appears so to me. "Hello Cathy, I am Lee. I am very pleased to meet you!" She returns my smile and we shake my hand gently, just what I would have expected from a lovely, petite woman.

As we approach the door I do the gentlemanly thing and open the door. As we step inside she asks if I want to go to the bar or stay in the eating area. I tell her I prefer the eating area since I would like to talk. We stand at the "Await to be seated" area until she makes a humorous and biting quip to the manager that gets us seated as well as a nervous laugh from me. I feel a little taken aback since I did not take any initiative to get us the table. The word dumb ass resonates in my head like an echo in a cave. DUMB, DUmb, Dumb, dumb……asssss.

We sit and I order an orange juice and a glass of water. She orders coffee. "Cathy, I am so glad you messaged me and also that you said you wanted to speak with me. I do believe we have allot in common from what was said and I so looked forward to meeting you." I say enthusiastically in my Lee kind of way (I do have one you know). "I agree Lee, I just had to meet you after what we had talked about and seeing we are alike in many ways, it is why I wanted to speak with you in person". She smiles. I lean forward and look at her enthusiastically. We make eye contact. She has large, beautiful green eyes and a lovely smile. I am entranced. There is a God! "Lee" She says. "Yes Cathy" I say breathlessly in return as we make eye contact. Gazing into my eyes she says "Have you ever heard of Amway?"

Animal Crackers

2008-04-29T21:14:00.001-07:00

The urbanization of animals in the United States, no one speaks about it. Laws are passed daily in congress to control wild animal rights such as having them register to receive affidavits to prove they belong in cities if approached by animal control personnel. The integration of wild animals into society as a whole has not been too successful. They cannot just stroll into SF during the day and enjoy the wharf and its wonderful offerings like the rest of us. While every group from Furries to Plushies seek acceptance legally and morally into our society (I hide my stuffed animals, no one is humping Eeyore!) animals, the true original entities that existed before man are forgotten, Jesus that was long and preachy! I can tell when I have not had enough sleep. Eating a linguica and hot pepper sandwich and washing it down with a Grolsch beer right before bed is NEVER good. No wonder I had the dream about playing Texas holdem with Jesus Christ and Adolf Hitler, and Jesus was the one that I caught CHEATING! It is just not right to see Jesus gunned down in a card game!

Yesterday I had the good fortune to emerge from my cave and see that it was a lovely day. I am in hibernation mode for some reason and need to work off my winter fat. Damn I sound like Yogi Bear except I do not live with a small MALE bear year round and sleep with him and his name is BOO BOO Bear. Even as a kid there was something not right about that. If I were the ranger I would be more concerned with that then Yogi being a picnic basket kleptomaniac. So what is one to do on a beautiful sunshiny day? If your answer has the components “naked” and “Crisco oil” and “the zoo” in them I really do not want to hear it. I decided to go for a hike, enjoy nature and good company and conversation.

I was introduced to a very nice location to hike in the Bay Area that I was not aware of, a park near 280 and Foothill Expressway. The one drawback to hiking in this area is that you have to find a place to park first. Parking is at a premium. I arrived just in time to join the 43 cars driving around in a circle attempting to find a parking space. At first this is what appeared to be transgressing until I realized I had mistakenly encroached upon a re-enactment of a wagon train attempting to create a circle for protection against an unseen foe. Fortunately I broke out of the pack before they all decided to head out to Abilene to sell their heads of cattle.

I was able to find parking in a lot which was a 3 minute walk away. Of course my compatriot had the parking Gods smile upon her and she was able to park 15 feet from where we were to meet. She had mentioned to me that she had prayed to the God Parkius but since I have no clue what religion that God belongs to I thought it best to continue to wear my Norse helmet for I know Odin would strike me down if I were to pray to some pagan God. Hail MIGHTY ODIN!

The hike on dirt trails was quite pleasant. I had on my Oakland Athletics colored hiking shoes which on occasion blinded passerby’s, it is why we were wearing sunglasses. One disconcerting aspect of this hike was at the beginning. There was a gentleman attempting to push a baby carriage up a steep grade and the carriage was large. It could have been pulled by a small pony. This made it impossible to get around them and he had also collapsed from the exertion. As he gesticulated on the ground gasping for air, a pack of coyotes which no one was aware of, which had been paralleling the carriage, moved in and dragged the body into the bushes. DAMN! What good fortune, now that the path was cleared everyone was able to continue on with their hike! Thank goodness for nature’s scavengers.

Soon the cries for help were behind us and we were marveling at nature’s beauty. We came to a portion of the path that seemed like it was taken from the movie The Wizard of Oz. Of course the insane axe wielding maniac chasing people around the forested area added to that feeling. The only thing missing were the creepy monkeys. Those monkeys remind me of a quote “There is nothing as funny as a drowning clown.” This was coined by Ben Franklin; though not as sage as “A penny saved is a penny earned” it proves Ben was a damn funny man!

The rest of the hike was quite enjoyable, with gorgeous weather, lovely scenery, delightful conversation and a rabid flock of wild turkeys chasing screaming people to their cars, up trees and into the bathrooms. No rest for the wicked I always say! They could still smell the flesh of their brethren that had been consumed on Thanksgiving.

As we were leaving my companion spotted a buck in the field. We stopped to admire its majestic pose when it suddenly stood on its hind legs and lit a cigarette. DAMN FURRIES!!!!

LA I Lo... er something

2008-04-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

We as a species dread horrendous certainties that we must face in life. Death is on that most certainly comes to mind as well as the existence of an afterlife and if they have valet parking. Health and relationship problems can also appear on this list especially when one is having relationships with small quadrupeds. Last Thursday I faced one of the dreadful of the dread that any human could ever face. LA traffic will forever cause re-occurring nightmares for as long as I live.

Two fellow employees and I were charged with traveling to Irvine on company business. You know it will be a less then optimal journey when you see Death incarnate at the local Hertz rental lot arguing that he did not get the car he had reserved. Personally I would give Death anything he desired but of course there are IDIOTS that will attempt to tell Death they have not what he wants. BAD move. We were told they had a full size car for us which of course in reality they never had. The only car that was left on the lot was a Smart car. How it got that name I do not know. Have you ever seen a Smart car? Imagine if someone took a washing machine and put 2 axels and four wheels on it and you have a Smart car! It is essentially a 2 seater, IF both people IN the car are Lithuanian midgets. We attempted to put out luggage in what they call a trunk but it would only hold my wallet and a pack of gum. We decided to make it fair that each hour; we would rotate taking turns being encased in a body bag and tied to the roof of the Smart car. We quickly created signs for the side panels that said “Econo Funeral Home”. The smart car has no radio as an accessory. They do provide a harmonica in the glove box but if no one knows how to play you are SOL, What is more excruciating is if someone knows a three note song they incessantly play for 3 hours. This culminates in a musical instrument being shoved up a certain orifice. If said musician passes gas, we still hear the harmonica but at least in a muffled form. The car per say is not a gasoline/electrical hybrid but a gasoline/ human hybrid. The floor boards are removable ala the vehicles from The Flintstones and provide a great cardio workout when attempting to drive up the Grapevine! The car does come standard with a hitch in the front for harnessing a horse or a pack of Chihuahuas.

We encountered LA traffic (I believe this occurs almost 2 states over) at 3 PM in the afternoon. Someone informed us rush hour traffic starts at 3 PM and runs to 2:59 PM, except in a leap year and that has something to do with sacrificing 7 live chickens to an Aztec God or something. We used our guile and wit to maneuver into the lane that was the commute lane (At least that is what they call it down there)! It gives you the false belief you are actually going to move faster then the rest of the traffic. I personally witnessed a woman that had to be 90 years old using a walker inching her way along leave us far behind as she disappeared into the distance. There are advantages to this. I began a conversation with a lovely looking woman in a car next to us and by the time we reached our destination we had our wedding plans finalized and guest list! I noticed one man reading a rather thick book and I asked what it was. He replied he was reading “War and Peace” and it he mentioned it was getting very difficult to find books long enough in length to last the entire commute.

You must understand before you enter LA you are stopped and given a pamphlet of the driving laws that only apply when driving in LA. If you refuse the pamphlet you are immediately given a 345 dollar fine for stupidity. The officer that handed the pamphlet to us had graffiti painted on his back and it was still wet. We realized the commute lane could easily be called the “Can I get to a bathroom before my bladder explodes” lane. When we read the pamphlet, we discovered that we could only enter and leave the lane at specific points. Unfortunately there are 6 lanes of solid traffic between you and an exit and this would be possible if one is driving an Abram’s tank. One law that puzzled me had to do with every person in a car must have a can of spray paint on hand to help contribute to beauty of city. I especially love the Constantine wire encompassing everything which prevents anyone from reaching highway signs, billboards and hospitals.

The highway is filled with enough rubber to keep Firestone located in Akron, Ohio making tires for years to come. If we had been driving a large truck we could have picked up several complete bed sets as well as a gang banger that was sleeping on one. I realized I had seen no animals on the road the entire time we were traveling. Usually you see some dead animal which has mistakenly wandered onto the road. Then I realized the only way an animal can get hurt in non moving traffic is to die of natural causes or a cerebral hemorrhage from walking headfirst into a stopped car.

It took approximately 2 ½ hours to drive 19 miles. Next time I find myself in this situation I will step out of the car and walk backwards to my destination and I KNOW for a fact I will get there faster then driving.

One business that would be VERY successful in LA would be bumper touch up and repair. 60% of all autos we observed had damage. I said to my co-worker “That is a GREAT idea, you could repair bumpers at a person’s place of employment” He informed me this would not work since you could only do 1 bumper per day since the traffic would make it impossible to get to any other location in time to do a second one. This of course spawned the idea; I will repair bumpers in traffic! No one is moving and I have a captive audience. If anyone runs across Randy Newman please inform me so that may locate and soccer kick him in the testicles. Thank you.

800 critters

2008-04-14T22:45:00.001-07:00

Oh boy, oh boy oh boy. One of my co-workers today mentioned that he had heard that 800 cats had been seized from a double wide trailer somewhere in the world recently. I being the passionate watcher for animal freaks immediately took a look for confirmation of this when I got home. No it was not 800 cats, what the Hell is that guy smoking? I told him to lay off the LSD. No not cats but 800 DOGS and 82 parrots and a Kodiak Grizzly with irritable bowel syndrome that had moved into the back bathroom since his cave was missing indoor plumbing and he gets extremely tired having to step out into the bushes to go number two every 10 minutes.

The emphasis was completely on the dogs and nothing really said about the parrots except that rescue workers had to wear hearing deadeners since 82 parrots all screaming “Polly want a cracker” at the same time incessantly will drive even a sane person to wonder what country fired parrot taste like. You must admit naming 82 parrots all Polly is absolute insanity, talk about NO imagination!

They also found the Taco Bell Chihuahua quivering among the huddled masses and he was certainly in the mood for a burrito since he was a punk anyway and you know how the rest of the pack hates and treats ex TV stars. He was on the extreme tail end of the butt sniffing chain! What the Hell were two old farts doing with 800 small dogs? I can see if you must fen off an attack from extraterrestrial aliens which are evolved from a feline species, God knows we all have at one time or another. You realize how difficult it would be to harness 200 Chihuahuas to a sled and have them pull it? Huge, bulbous, bloodshot eyes, ready to explode from their eyes socket and screeching like banshees as if someone were standing on them? You know their NORMAL state of being? Well I know that only 105 Pomeranians are needed to do the job and a cattle prod utilizing much less voltage!

Unfortunately the first two rescuers to enter the trailer were not aware of the fact that these dogs had not been fed in awhile and were stripped to the bone within minutes. One spectator commented “The feeding frenzy that ensued made a starved school of piranha look like goldfish!” Condolences were sent to their families along with dog droppings after the workers had passed through the dog’s digestive systems.

When questioned by authorities as to why they were keeping 800 dogs, the old man replied “Because there wasn’t enough room for the herd of 124 wildebeests we wanted to keep!” Well that makes sense I guess in some reality! His wife would not answer any question put to her until someone noticed a small tail wiggling between her lips. Authorities discovered this was how she kept the puppies from getting cold and how her teeth had attained a dynamic, glaring yellow color that blinded all when she opened her mouth.

A police officer on the scene that of course had to say something inane to get his name in print was asked how they discovered this horrifying spectacle. At first, a neighbor broke in and said it was because he visited the trailer park prostitute just 2 trailers down 3 times a week until the officer interrupted him. The officer said he had received a tip from a woman that had purchased one of the dogs and took it to the vets and discovered it had “kennel cough” and was advised to call the police. I applaud his advice, many times we men that suffer from enlarged prostrates, fail to call law enforcement and get them involved! Maybe she should have called the police when she saw the elderly couple standing chest deep in sea of small writhering dogs!

Well I have started my ranch of rare red legged weasels. Maybe someone will notice when my population reaches 4-500 of them.

BTD

2008-04-06T20:09:00.001-07:00

It is the “Blue Tooth” generation. It can be likened to the “Pepsi” generation in that companies wish you to buy their products so that while in public you appear to be a wayward Borg that has escaped the continuum. People can NOT even conceive just how dorky they look. I am awaiting the first rectal USB cable to be invented and utilized. At least that can be hidden under the clothes! All this technology that is invented so a person can be standing in line at In and Out Burger and receive that life threatening phone call informing the person they want a “Diet Pepsi” to go along with their 3 quadruple cheeseburgers. Damn another disaster diverted! Of course this is just one of the many emergencies that the majority of people use a cell phone for. Make sure you get a diet drink to your 400 pound significant other that is consuming 5,000 calories worth of burgers and fries.

I was sitting at McCarthy Ranch waiting for a friend to eat lunch with and I spotted a gentleman walking quickly across the parking lot and he is speaking on a wireless headset. They will be called BTD for the duration of this piece and maybe you can figure out what the “D” stands for. As he walked, he was wilding gesticulating as he was talking. If the headset had been in the other ear, I would have thought he was a prime candidate for an exorcism or trepanation. Personally I carry a taser with me in just such emergencies so I can tackle a person in need and provide on the spot shock therapy. As I watched him use his hands to attempt to get across what he was saying I began laughing and wondered if he even knew what he was doing was completely useless and looked silly to boot. If you did not know he was speaking on a head set you would think he was cursing in sign language to anyone that might be able to decipher it.

Often this does prove that people cannot do two things at once and it is so true especially when this gentleman so intent on his conversation and trying to accentuate it with hand gestures, tripped and fell head first into a huge cement container of flowers. I am sure the person he was speaking with was wondering why he was screaming at the top of his lungs as perhaps a dozen bees, being pissed off at being disrupted gathering nectar, stung his ass. I have myself witness 3 people so intent on talking on their BT “D”s that they walk face first into closed glass doors because they forget that such things exist in our society. There is some joy in seeing a cook come from the kitchen with a spatula and have to scrap their face from the glass. Metal is preferred to the plastic since it seems to cut right through the skin so much quicker.

People become completely oblivious to their surroundings as they are talking on these devices. There have been moments in stores and in restaurants that I hear what a person is saying to whomever they are talking to. They never speak in a NORMAL amplitude level voice, they must speak loudly. Jake most certainly has a problem, when as I am buying my cereal I hear that he suffers from premature ejaculation. It is said so loudly that people mistake it for a store announcement and all give their condolences to the check out clerk as they leave, since his name pin says “Larry”.

There is no worse sensation then to be incredibly hungry, going to your favorite place to eat and looking forward to that dish that just makes you salivate. Then the guy 2 tables over is speaking about his STD to his doctor describing “Large pustule nodules that have appeared all over my gentiles and are exploding and staining my Spiderman underoos!” Well so much for country fried steak and the white gravy. I think I am getting ill at this moment.

Personally I cannot await the day that the technology is miniaturized and implanted into one’s head. It will be impossible to differential those that suffer from schizophrenia and those talking on their units. At least maybe all with be drugged and we will get a little peace for a change. I think the first blue tooth vibrators have hit the market as well. Gotta love wireless technology.

Observe That Whatever it is

2008-03-31T22:29:00.000-07:00

What an interesting year so far. Daylight savings time came early this year and I hate that no matter the day, stealing 1 hour of life from me every freaking year! Easter was also early for some reason so was the bludgeoning of tiny, cute bunnies. Spring of course superseded its official start date with warm to hot weather and nature burgeoning to life causing many of us running noses and symptoms similar to bubonic plague. It would appear as though 2008 is all about the premature ejaculation of holidays and events. I actually started to look at the calendar at daily, weekly and monthly occurrences and found things I never even knew existed and neither did you.

I bet no one was aware that January is “Resolve to Eat Breakfast Month”? No matter how much I resolve to eat breakfast I just did not. I did resolve thought to eat beef and chocolate. The resolve had also been attained to cannibalize anyone that gets trapped with me in a remote location. I carry matches and A1 sauce with me at all times! Well so much for breakfast! I will have to resolve to eat it next January!

There is National “Someday We Will Laugh About This” week, unfortunately it comes right before “World Leprosy Week!” and is followed by the ‘Hunt For Happiness Week”. Hmm maybe finding a toe or finger or other appendage that fell off fulfills this?

One that puzzles me greatly is ‘National Cowboy Poetry Gathering” week. I believe this happens in Las Vegas every year when cowboys from the far reaches of the US gather as MEN to exchange poetry they have written about their horses and herds while on the lonesome trail. We now know what cowboys really did on cattle drives. “Dang it Eb! Where are my Keats and Poe?” MOOOOOO! There is also a “Texas Cowboy Poetry“week. I am awaiting “Shepard Alone With His Flock For Two Years” week and the tales of terror ensuing from it!

We all must observe “Penguin Awareness Day”. I celebrate this by taking my stuffed penguin “Ezekiel” for a pull every year. I must say after 8 of these events he is looking quite ratty and I had to take him off of the top of my tellie. I do not even know where I got a stuffed emperor penguin from, I just remember waking up and he was there glowering at me one day. Well into the closet with the stuffed miniature, tiki moose and the stuffed rare artic rhino toes.

My new favorite day is “Nothing Day”. What more can be said?

I ran across ‘Customer Service Day” but unfortunately that has been changed to “National Outsourcing Day” and “National Layoff Day.

Finally a holiday I can use my talents and make a crap load of money. “National Answer Your Cats Questions” Day. For a mere 300 dollars an hour, I will come to your house and talk with your cat and tell you what he thinks of you. I am sure he shares the EXACT same opinion of you that I have!

There is “Thomas Crapper” day. The man many erroneously give credit for when speaking of inventing the toilet. Let us give credit where credit is due. We are grateful for his last name which gives us one more then the 243 different words used when doing Number 2.

Now I know why every February I am witness to droves of people walking down the sidewalk pushing shopping cart. It is “Return Shopping Carts To The Supermarket Month”! Hell and I thought they were just stealing that damn things or too lazy to return them! Oh silly me!

“Spunky Old Broads” month is something I wholly support. It is good to see the senior citizens, dressed in mini skirts and stockings pulling tricks just like the young ladies! Plus ARP members get a discount!

The longest title for such an observance is “Love Makes The World Go Round; But, Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy” week. I have to admit I got lost after reading half of it and I have not the slightest idea WTF this is! This is as confusing to me as the movie title “The Incredibly Strange Creature That Stopped Living And Became a Mixed Up Zombie” At least I can understand that one I think!

This has only covered 2 months of the year and I will return to this again. Some of these are just too funny to believe we actually have them listed to observe. I will attempt to find exactly how one goes about trying to nominate an observance. My submittal with be national “What is that cyst like pustule mass on the left cheek of my ass located on the underwear line and irritating the Hell out me!” day

The Piano Man

2008-03-24T22:11:00.001-07:00

Easter Sunday I had the good fortune of having the incredible opportunity to injury my testicles or the muscle lining of my lower abdominal region by moving a piano. Does one really wish to engage in said activity before a big meal? Well before is better due to the fact that projectile vomiting is not appreciated by many and we would have had more then one person heaving while we were struggling with the beast after eating to the bursting alien symbiotic stage.

The piano in question does indeed have history. It was purchased in the 50s from a Stanford frat house so some particulate matter from many of the original beer fest can still be found within the piano itself. Damn a stand up vomitorium. It cost but a scant 25 bucks and only had to air out for a week before being wheeled into the house. The remains of only one skeleton were to be found within it and that belonged to a small spider monkey. Obviously the frat boys loved to get it drunk and it had fallen into the piano only to be hammered to death when one of the boys started playing some boogey woogie. It is amazing how being intoxicated drowns out horrid screaming! I will have to remember that.

I was told that it had been painted blue and had been stripped and refinished. The piano bears the mark of the craftsman when it was built in 1876. It was built by one of the lesser Smengie brothers who were also renowned for their craftsmanship in building outhouses. This accounts for the toilet seat on the bench. This was particularly useful when forcing someone that HAD to sit for long periods of time to learn to play piano.

Fortuitously there were 5 strapping, men exuding testosterone when we were asked to move the unmovable object. I looked at the 600 pound beast and thought of how slaves were forced to pull the enormous blocks of stone to create the pyramids and the Frys which is located on Brokaw Road. Who would have thought an ancient Egyptian structure would exist in San Jose housing and selling computer and electronic equipment? There is a huge statue devoted to Seth located just inside the front door. The sign next to it states “human sacrifices accepted every Tues and Thurs. between 4 and 6 PM.” Of course we could not reply in the negative when asked to perform this act of strength which the demigod Heracles was also commanded to do as the forgotten 13th labor. We were informed that “ONE” man had moved it into the house by his self. I thought “Hmmm a single piano mover that moved a 600 pound piano by himself into the house? This explains why his piano moving career was cut so tragically cut short to one day in the business when he suffered a massive coronary once the piano was in the designated place of resting.” At least supposition pointed in that direction or else Andre the Giant had another job before he made millions wrestling a dozen dwarves at a time in the WWF.

Moving a piano is quite similar to lifting free weights in which you concentrate so much you drown out all that is being said around you. You have to. 1.) To concentrate on not getting hurt and 2.) Not to hear everyone laughing and gasping as your pants and underwear rip exposing your hairy ass to 15 people standing, staring at you, jaws agape. Damn I love that duct tape. Rip fixed in under 23 seconds!

Of course you encounter the obligatory crushing which inevitably occurs when one person tries to assist by holding the side of the piano and receives a permanent impression of piano keys across their belly button. Only a very clever tattooing job can rectify this situation. I find tattoos of hairless cats detract from the indentations. Needless to say the young man now will never know the joy of being a father.

To get it over the threshold of the door we cleverly created a ramp with which to push the piano into the garage. This went very well until we heard a cracking and breaking sound. It is amazing the amplitude of the sound a human leg makes upon snapping two. I almost did not hear it over the screaming. Fortunately I remembered my Boy Scout first aid training and set the broken leg in orange Jello. I also threw in some fresh tangerines for a refreshing treat after we were through.

Needless to say after much grunting and groaning I managed to tear myself away from the porno which was on cable and helped push the beast the remaining 5 foot into the garage. The monolith now rest there with a group of hairy anthropoids throwing bones into air and whooping it up.

I learned a lesson that day about piano moving. Always have the cable on and tune it to any adult channel to give you an excuse as to why you were not there to move the piano but creates enough sweat to give the appearance you actually did something. What a valuable piece of advice!

Stephen King Knows Horror

2008-03-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed how badly written articles in newspapers has become or their headlines? It is quite apparent when viewing any web page that purports to be a news site. Recently I had written a piece pertaining to a tiger attack at the SF zoo and the 2 web sites I had read attempting to seriously convey details, failing miserably causing me no end to laughter. I truly believe the vast majority of all news accounts written are edited by aboriginal tribesmen that just have nothing better to do until they are needed to dig up more insects for their families to ingest! This also applies to advertisements which for some ungodly reason, will convey to you a completely different message then was originally intended. I can forgive these horrendous pieces of work if the writer is trapped in a room where the temperature is 15 degrees below zero with 4 ravenous, rabid shrews in his boxer shorts while having 7 different mind numbing Stephen King movies playing simultaneously! I viewed the movie “Room 1408” Saturday and had to be restrained from seeking out someone that would sell me Anthrax so I could mail to Mr. King sparing me any future possible brain damage if I accidentally view any of his work!

I had a friend take a few pictures of something I found quite humorous. It was a box that was seen at a local drug store. It displayed in bold letters “Dinosaur Replicas”. Is the word “Replica” really a necessity? If it were not on the box would we expect to have REAL dinosaurs jump from the box when it was opened? Well that was quite a small box so I am sure if real dinos were in the box, it would take at least 20 of the little buggers to attach themselves to your groin to cause any kind of damage or just watch a Stephen King movie and feel something for more excruciating then that!

I heard an advertisement on that radio that stated “BMWs most popular AWD vehicle the NEW BLAH BLAH BLAH…” One question, if it is NEW how can it be the most popular? I then remembered that Beemers are so expensive, they have time traveling devices installed in them so the NEW model could have been driven in different time periods, or so Stephen King says so!

A quick trip to the supermarket today also enlightened me when I was looking for something sweet to sate my cravings. I find a rather tasty looking pound cake and happen to read the label. One of the ingredients listed on the package stated “contains REAL artificial vanilla extract!” I felt as though I was in a parallel universe! I would have trepidation about purchasing the product is it contained UNREAL artificial vanilla extract. There was a feeling experienced at the moment as if someone were standing close to me, near my right shoulder. It was Stephen King and he grabbed a pound cake and mumbled something about “This will make a great horror story…..”

After I had left the market I had a few more errands to run. I was driving down Bascom Ave. and I saw a sign posted by the side of the road obviously placed there by the beauty salon located in the nearby strip mall. Sign read “Ears pierced - while you wait!” Damn and I was going to just drop mine off and pick them up on the way home. A trip to Target was just a fruitful when I happened to have to walk through the ladies department to get to the men’s department. I saw a display with stockings on sale and under the price was printed “Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else” After reading that line I waited around for 35 minutes hoping to observe any woman just wearing stockings, walking around leisurely unfortunately all I saw was a 534 pound woman wearing spandex pants and a nylon top. Needless to say 45 minute later an employee found me huddled behind the woman’s double D cup bra rack, shaking, in the corner crying. I wish Stephen King had seen that! He would know what REAL horror is!

My travels took me past auto mall parkway, where salesmen assault you at stop lights attempting to get you to buy a car from them. It has gotten so bad; I do not feel guilty anymore about shooting them in the face at point blank range with pepper spray! You can tell how far American car manufactures have sunk when you drive past the Pontiac dealership and see “Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.” That kind of sums the American car buying experience!

Finally I am on my way home and as I sit at a red stop light I see a sign nailed to a telephone pole “Illiterote? Write for free information!” This did not seem like something I would want to pursue but if I read just 2 more King novels I will have incurred enough irreparable brain damage that it will make complete sense to me!

My day ends with of course the wondrous world of Craigs list. Gazing at ads as I click on hyperlinks I find the following:

Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children. I will have to agree with that one. I find children very delicious especially when barbequed with KC Master Piece sauce with the BOLD taste!

For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. After examining the picture of the desk I was positive a woman with thick legs and large drawers could us it. I wish I had seen this ad before meeting the 534 pound woman in spandex.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. It is DAMN nice to see someone thinks their grandmother is in beautiful condition. She can now be sold on the white slavery market to Nike making their Tennis shoes with the rest of the child slave labor force working 16 hours a day for 1 pea with a human hair on it! You can just hear the bosses walking around with their cat o nine tails saying “NIKE! JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!”

One more thing before I turn in for the day. Upon looking through ads online I come across one for a vacation spot. “Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.” Lately I have been horribly dehydrated so I may take them up on this offer. I am sure I will run into Mr. King there and he will be writing a variation of “The Lawn Mower Man” and it will be Stephen King’s “The Pool Man!” Stephen King DOES know horror!

IT

2008-03-09T22:11:00.001-07:00

At one time I remember many years ago, while I was employed at SSI, I was instructed to shoot video content to be edited into a final product to be shown to the new mother company that had just acquired us. The film was to introduce us as what was referred to as small business unit. We were essentially the computer game division. Mindscape created computer games but after receiving reports of so many of their customers committing suicide by beating themselves to death with sticks of mozzarella cheese after attempting to play what Mindscape perceived as games, they decided to get a REAL computer game company. Us? BWA HA HA HA! Well we created computer games and had fun doing so but we were a real rinky dink operation. We did have our successes but how we attained those lofty heights is still a mystery. Our president at the time had come from a lifetime of experience raising and herding and other unmentionable activities with sheep. I always wondered why he insisted that all the guys wear 100% wool products even in the summer. I remember barging into his office one day without knocking and I caught him watching an illegal video tape of a sheep bound in leather straps and being worked over by a woolaphile dominatrix. Needless to say I cannot count sheep to this day while attempting to sleep without picturing them in garter belts and stockings!

I digress though since the main emphasis was on the creation of the introductory video. What was amusing was that after getting all the footage I needed, I knew that no matter how I edited it we all would appear as insane. That was fine, since some of my fellow colleagues had somehow managed to escape from the local mental institutions after repeated viewings of the Chiefs method of escape from “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest”. One was a German that had EXTREMELY bad fashion sense. He believed his lime green colored felt shoes went with everything he wore including his yellow socks and blue Nike nylon running shorts and pink polo top. He was the only human I have ever seen that looked as though he had been regurgitated by some large carnivore. One day I saw him dressed like this and thought I was having a latent LSD reaction, years after taking the stuff!

One clip I had shot is still in my possession and it deals with a friend of mine Higgs. I remember asking Higgs a question. It was off the cuff as all of my questions were and many got the kind of reaction I wanted from the person I was filming. I remember asking Higgs about “IT”. I said “There are certain men that have “IT” and you do, can you tell me when you first knew you had “IT”?” He proceeded to talk about he knew he had “IT” the way his first grade teacher looked at him in tight pants. Women worshiped him, even small dogs and cats. At that point one of his co-workers named Denise said something off camera to which Higgs retorted “Quiet! This is a monologue not a dialogue! Women, they can’t get enough of me!” This got me thinking deeply today or as deep as I can think!

I do not have “IT”! “IT”, the intrinsic quality that drives women crazy for a particular guy is missing from my persona. I thought at times in my life I had “IT” but I had mistaken a case of German measles for “IT” “IT” I realize can be anything, the way a guy walks, looks, or talks or smells. I walk normally and I make sure never to goose step around unless of course I know no one is looking and I am wearing my Adolf Hitler under roos. I think I am a pretty good looking guy for my age, I try to stay in shape but the only things attracted to me are runaway ferrets looking for a free handout! I know I am loud and boisterous and get embarrassed while during the throes of passion I am screaming out “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD” and then I remember I am an atheist! It does bother me when people wearing hearing aids tell me to shut the Hell up because they CAN HEAR me! Could it be the odoriferous factor? Naw, I do take showers now daily, Brush my teeth twice each day and wear deodorant. One of my old girlfriends always brought up how she loved that I reeked of garlic but then she was Italian!

So today I enter the spring forward one hour and get screwed out of an hour sleep day of the year and realize I do not have “IT”. As matter of fact I have the ANTI “IT” or if you please the Green Kryptonite to “IT”. If anyone can help me onto the road to finding “IT” I would be eternally grateful. Even if I can find a smidgen of “IT” I will die knowing I lived fast and left a good looking corpse! If not I can know I will live the rest of my life having every woman, dog and cats, all looking at the “IT”less me! Oh to suffer the slings and woes of outrageous misfortune by not being able to purchase anything at Weinerschnitzel on sale.

A Look at Old Adages

2008-03-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

This list comprises just a few of the hundreds or thousands of old adages we are exposed to on a constant basis. I could start from a list in alphabetical order and write why these just do not apply to human’s in anyway shape or form at the present . Here are 20 of those we are familiar with. Of course upon reading them you will go “Damn that is out of step with the times.” In the next Good Fellows, I am going to write dealing with the REALLY obscure ones. You will read them and will surely say “WTF does that mean?” Well it was probably written by a man 14 centuries ago when the average life span was 6 minutes and 32 seconds and had just been bitten by a poisonous snake on the ass while squatting in the bushes. He believed in 10,324 different Gods except there was no God created to specifically protect his ass! We will name him Tushius, God of the Buttock.

1. A bird in the hand…. is really, really FUCKING PAINFUL! You know how painful a bird pecking at your hand is? Well ask Tippy Hedron! She will tell you! Also I like a quote from the infamous serial killer Ed Gein. When asked by a psychiatrist what this saying meant to him he replied “It means that I can SQUISH EM!!!!” HA HA HA gotta love Ed’s sense of humor!

2. Don’t cry over spilled milk… Unless of course you just spilled it all over your new 6000 dollar 7.1 home theater system frying it to bits then you CAN cry over spilled milk. Ask a mother that has to CONTANTLY clean up spilled milk after children. Well you can cry all you want, I understand!

3. If you assume… You will always be wrong since you are as intuitive as a three pound can of Crisco lard, so do not even try it!

4. Best not look a gift horse in the mouth… which of course, is a very bad idea since if you looked, you might discover he has no teeth or gums and is 82 years old and incontinent! Of course if he has teeth and a mean SOB, he may decide to bite your face off! You can always get that dream job in the side show as “Lee, the faceless man!” Where is the chicken I can bite the head off of?

5. The best advice to give a man is the advice he wants to hear… Sure Coustie, I know you want to buy the Golden Gate Bridge and here is you’re chance! Only 5K and I will throw in the suicide prevention nets! And oh yes that is a GREAT idea to wear yellow underwear to hide urine stains! This saying is only in effect IF the man is not insane!

6. A friend in need is a friend indeed… So what we are saying here is a person will ONLY be your friend contingent upon the fact they are in need of something from you? Buy them a box of Depends and send them on their way. In this codependent society this is how most people work! You will supply what I need because I am unable to grow emotionally and become an adult so you will provide for me that which I myself cannot provide! This is 95% of today’s relationships!

7. From out of the mouths of babes... Comes every possible sound there is and it is all incomprehensible! They also projectile vomit and spew forth the horrid paste you force them to eat! Awww it is all SO cute!!! I think this should be modified to “From out of the butts of babes…”

8. A drowning man will clutch at a straw… Well DUH! Of course he will clutch at straw, he will clutch at anything to save himself from drowning! And this is considered a bad thing? This is akin the “The captain will go down with his ship!” DUMBASS!

9. A few germs never hurt anyone… Yeah tell that to people exposed to Eboli or The Bubonic plague!

10. The eyes are the windows of the soul... Really? I have looked in many eyes and never saw a soul hiding in there and is it suppose to be hiding behind the eyes? Hell, all I ever see is different colored eyes and a black pupils! Does performing lasic damage the soul? Is it impervious to lasers? Well maybe I should carry around some Windex so I can clean these little windows and then maybe I can see through them.

11. The greatest remedy for anger is delay… I ABSOLUTELY agree with this 100%. I always find if I use delayed trip switches on explosives I set up, my anger is GREATLY dissipated in anticipation of a person being turned to paste.

12. The half is better than the whole… Obviously this idiot was not thinking about ass cheeks when he came up with this one!

13, The higher the monkey climbs, the more he shows his tail… And the greater his vantage point to fling his excrement at you and hit you smack in the face!

14. The leopard does not change his spots… No, only their location when he and his brethren are skinned and sewn together to make a very expensive fur coat! Humans love that those spots that do not change!

15. The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world… Damn, no wonder I see so many new mothers trying to take over the world between the diaper changing and the feedings and the worrying and cleaning and the non sleep! There is NO time to take over the world!

16. The longest journey begins with the first step… But it better become a longer journey then the one you always make from your couch to your refrigerator 243 times each evening and becoming a major lard ass!

17. The more the merrier… Hmmm obviously this doe not pertain to war or the food poisoning everyone got from last night’s pizza soiree and the mass diarrhea which ensued. Maybe the Roman’s were referring to their orgies and forays into the vomitoriums.

18. The rain falls on every roof… Except for you neighbor that has that new electrostatic field installed on his roof last winter. No rain ever touches it. You ever think that is REALLY weird? Does having 3 eyes make him sort of different? Does he resemble the hominid like being that was dissected on the “Alien Autopsy” special? This could be modified to read Dog urine falls on every Hydrant!

19. The sky's the limit… Well not really, there is space and infinity and beyond. Damn that is short sighted saying!

20. You are what you eat… Yes that is why I am now a 6 foot tall Heath Klondike bar but I am truly delicious! Want a bite?

Safety tips for the truly remedial minded

2008-02-25T14:37:00.000-08:00

I recently received 9 tips for dealing with the RASH of kidnapping that have been Taking place the United States and with general bad guy chicanery. Does anyone ever look at kidnapping statistics? More adults are kidnapped then children, of whom this is relevant to, and the vast majority of children being kidnapped are by family members and friends! Thank God for all the billions poured into the Amber Alert System! Jesus people stop watching TV and movies and thinking they are real. Well on with this insane list before I begin spewing forth statistics on Amber alerts and really get pissed.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point
on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

I have a tendency to disbelieve this statement. The head is the strongest point in the body for some people I know. Some are indestructible! This does not take into account that you are being attacked or robbed by someone considerably shorter then you and all that transgresses is as you swing an elbow and miss him, he sinks his teeth into your thigh and not only are you relieved of your wallet but now you need rabies shots! Although now when wearing a swim suit you can relate how you fought off 4 seven foot beasts to keep your wallet when you were really man handled by a midget with a handicap! Next time hire the damn Tae Kwon Do guy as a body guard and let him get shot!

2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM.
Toss it away from you.... chances are that he is more interested
in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

Unfortunately in this scenario what really occurs if the perpetrator has a knife or a gun, you toss your purse or wallet away and they SHOOT or STAB your ass and then get the wallet or purse because you PISSED them off having to make them walk to retrieve it! Oh the dazzling brilliance of this idea! Personally I try to placate them by ordering out for pizza and beers but be careful to ask what toppings they prefer or brand of beer they like to drink. There is no need to have your plan backfire and you get injured anyway!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car,
kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.
The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

Yes this did work once in one James Bond movie! This does not take into account idiots that kidnap you and place you in the back of a hatchback with which you can look out the rearview window and plead for help! Of course 99.9% of all on lookers will laugh seeing what is described in this tidbit of advice and want to know where they can purchase that “Lifelike” hand to have hanging from their taillight!

4. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head
DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF!
Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car.
Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat
They will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.
It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

Poor little Billy is now paste on the wind shield because you forgot he was in the car’s backseat with his cowboy pistols. You will never forget the “SPATTING” sound of his tiny, innocent body impacting upon front windshield the rest of your life and you will never sleep again! Unfortunately you also crushed a mother and her 2 children into a wall with your swift thinking and will be driven from every community you attempt to live in since now in one fail swoop and without being intoxicated have been found guilty of 4 counts of Vehicular Homicide and the destruction of a Stone Cold ice cream parlor where the judge trying case was at attempting to get his favorite ice cream!

5. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.
Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women
are attempting to get into their cars.

LOL, yes there are SO MANY serial killers that drive or have driven vans that you REALLY have to look out for this one! LOL, I do not know where this person got their info that most serial killers pull you into their van, I think this came from watching the movie “Manhunter” while on crack in which that serial killer did drive a van as well as in the remake. I believe the car of choice for serial killers is the 3 cylinder Metro since they need great gas mileage to drive the incredible distances to dispose of bodies and do it economically!

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
(Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.

Yes, always adhere to this one and the next time you are in an elevator alone with a 6 foot 5 inch man covered in skull tattoos and carrying a bowie knife and he reaches out and hits the “Stop” button and you have absolutely NO where to run like you would have had if you had been in a staircase, you will seek out the person that gave you this advice and kick them repeatedly in the groin.

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control,
ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

Unfortunately I believe that at close range most people using a gun can hit you with much more frequency then 4 out of 100 shots. I think this is the statistic for blind armed people robbing others. More often then not, you will get that robber that was an ex sharp shooter in the military and all those pass patterns you learned to run from Jerry Rice at the 49er dream camp just makes for a fun and interesting target to blow away!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
STOP It may get you raped, or killed.
Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played
on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often
asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted
his next victim.

Yes, become an all encompassing uncaring and unsympathetic bitch! Who cares if that 95 year old man with the walker slogging along having snails pass him up cannot get through the door at the mall. He could be a Ted Bundy or in this case just a poor old man that has soiled himself trying desperately to reach a bathroom but damn it, you are safe!

9. Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late
and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT
open the door." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby
had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way,
whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer
has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby He said they have not verified it,
but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors
when they're home alone at night.

Oh this one is classic! It was difficult to stop laughing to write this. Not ONLY do we get some crazy Urban Legend related to us but I can guarantee that you will have a very difficult time coming up with a serial killer that used this method of getting victims. There was a case of a very unsuccessful man trying to become a Serial Killer that imitated being a marmoset at people’s doors but after the 4^th time the door was opened and he was punched in the face he gave up those aspirations! Damn those police are sharp! Unfortunately, in this case, when the woman investigated in the morning she found her grandson laying in a basket frozen like a Popsicle and remembered that her daughter said she was dropping him off at that door the night before since she was in a hurry!

This is another in a LONG line of silliness and craziness that millions receive everyday touting to be GOOD advice to follow when in actuality this was compiled by a person learning to read the sign language of their mute and retarded nephew. People just use common sense, I know that can be asking quite a bit but there is NO such animal as REALITY TV! It is MAKE believe!

Animal Nazis

2008-02-19T00:19:00.000-08:00

There is a sub group of people that exist that many have come into contact with and may never noticed with the exception that upon walking away from an interaction with them one will find themselves perturbed to say the least. I call them the “Animal Nazis”. You will find them in a multitude of location such as large pet stores or if you are looking for a cat or dog to adopt instead of from a private breeder or SPCA you will find these guys advertising pets for adoption. Although you will find it is simpler to adopt a wayward family of 24 illegal immigrant children all with CSARs that have been placed in quarantine in an impenetrable fortress guarded by highly trained mercenaries all armed with Uzis. These people are absolute control freaks and I have never met one that I did not want to place in hand cuffs and beat senseless with stuffed weasel. Hmm that sounds like a new and inventive form of S&M but I am sure stuffed animals are used all the time in that activity and not just to hit a person with. YIKES!

First thing you will encounter with the crazed Animal Nazi is that you CANNOT get close enough to see the animals you came in to see. They usually deploy a number of guards standing perimeter observance with tasers in the ready as well as pepper spray in case you take one too many steps towards the kittens or puppies. To avoid a lifelong disability I have found it is best to hide in an aisle at least 50 or more foot away and deploy binoculars to observe the animals in relative safety. I always take a friend with me to stand guard protecting my flank. Viewing from a distance keeps you from coming into contact with the barb wire and electrified fence. It is imperative to always be on guard since some Animal Nazis wear store shelf camouflage blending in perfectly with the Snausages which are on sale this week and are very difficult to see. The ones dressed in the old horse costumes are very easy to pick out and avoid.

If you do happen to have enough courage to approach an Animal Nazi and actually ask to see one of the animals you will be asked to do a number of things before this can possibly even be contemplated. First you will be taken into a small back room and stripped and then cavity searched to see that you are not carrying or hiding ANYTHING you could possible give to the animals to eat or to escape. You will then be scrubbed with brushes under scalding hot water to minimize germs and bacteria. A doctor is usually on call to give a short psychical to make sure you are in good health. Then you must sign a form giving permission for them to run a criminal background check on you. You will find that the speeding ticket you received 7 months ago will come back to haunt you since now you are considered “High” risk and an unacceptable “New Parent” to one of the unique and wholly special animals they have for adoption. It does not matter there are 100 million of them running the streets as feral beast but you will NOT get these special little animals! I have seen past presidents of the United States not pass these screenings! DAMN! Jimmy Carter was turned down since he was the first president NOT born at home and he was a Hell of a nice guy!

If you pass this cleaning and screening you will then be asked to sign away some “Collateral” that can be leveraged against you if you do not treat your “God given” little animal like it were upon a golden pedestal. They usually ask for the soul of one of your children but I have seen them settle for the deed to your home. After your child now becomes soulless, you are given a highly technical breathing apparatus to wear as you observe the animals. You can read a short synopsis about the animals which give you insight into their personality. For example one taped to the cage of a small, black boxer “Hi, my name is Blackie and I love to go for walks and urinate on everything I see. I love smelling the butts of other dogs and then eating my excrement and passionately licking your face and any other body part I can find exposed. I do NOT hump legs. I am a MIT Graduate and into playing the stock market” Some of the information I know can and will be true but some of it is just made up to attract you to the animal like the ‘I do not hump legs” statement. I know that is an absolute fabrication!

You pick your precious bundle and are ready to leave the location with your scalded skin and sore ass and now are poor since the Animal Nazis and Satan own your first borns’ soul and your 401K is now fore gone so no retirement to look forward to. As you walk out the door you see the last charge that will appear on your Master card is the armor vehicle that rolls up with 3 armed guards to make absolutely sure your new bundle of joy makes it home safely with the 6,345 dollars worth of food and bedding and wardrobe you had to purchase to show the ANs your unending love for your little beastie.

As you can tell I REALLY hate Animal Nazis. If I ever really want an animal I will just go to the local sports store and rent or purchase a trap and will have my own little wee beasties within 1 day and it will have cost me shit to do so. We will leave my other favorite Nazi for another time which I named the “Forum Nazis”. The imbeciles in forums always pointing out what you are doing WRONG when they are not administrators or anyone given authority by said forum just dumb ass users. Are you going pet hunting this weekend? Don’t forget the Vaseline!

Neither Here Nor There

2008-02-12T17:32:00.000-08:00

Once in awhile I delight myself by visiting the site www.fark.com to find the never ending news of the weird which pervades everyday life on this tiny, blue speck that travels in a never ending elliptical orbit throughout the solar system and universe in general. If I read this site too often it does begin to depress me since I do believe many in the world to be dysfunctional in psychological behavior to begin with and others stark raving mad. This site re-enforces this belief and also substantiates my theory of the 90% Lunatic Fringe. Behavior which is exhibited by many currently would have had them incarcerated in a mental facility just a short 25-30 years ago. I remember that my moving to California coincided with then Governor Ron Reagan shutting down state mental facilities and placing the patients onto the street. This was quite noticeable at the time when I traveled downtown to eat at a restaurant and had a gentleman on the street barking at me and attempting to sniff my butt. Many do not know that Mr. Reagan was also more then just the governor at the time and wholly believed that plants were actually pumping CO2 into the air causing pollution and other problems. This was of course a man that was out acted by a chimpanzee in a movie and after his stint as president, was discovered that the chimp was his main advisor on politics and why Ron had a mad posh for bananas. So today I take a look and find several things that make me laugh.

A mulllah bomber that was preparing to use a land mine to kill innocent people had it accidentally go off and kill two other associates and his 2 sons. Nothing was mentioned about livestock so I guess this is not as bad as it sounds. This follows on the tail of a suicide bomber that accidentally had his explosives go off in his home before he could kill anyone hence it was a REAL suicide bombing if he were depressed. I do not believe in the existence of God but after you encounter similar news stories you kind of wonder. I am sure this happens quite a bit and we should all be gleeful it does. Thank goodness for incompetent murdering scum! To think we actually were training dolphins to plant explosives on ship and other targets. Now people just want to have sex with them!

I was ecstatic to discover that the head of the California Medical Association is a gentleman named Doctor Frankenstein. This only goes to show what someone can accomplish with their life if they focus hard enough. One moment you are stealing body parts and sewing them together and imbuing it with electricity and bringing an abomination of nature to a semblance the life to wreak death and destruction in its path, the next you are the head of a prestigious and respected profession and organization! Reporters attempted to ask the Doctor how he felt about this as opposed to his old preoccupations but were halted by 2 mysterious 7 foot tall men of a very pale color with bolts protruding from their necks. They say you can never get it out of your blood!

We of course have the obligatory what to do on Valentine’s Day when no one could care less about your ass. Here are ten things to do with extra comments inserted:

1. Have a movie night- Invite some friends over for a movie marathon but leave The Notebook out for this. You don’t want to provoke feelings that might lead you to consider Zoloft®. Now is a great time to catch up on Freddy vs. Jason.

Personally then you can have a group of depressed people in one location and sign and execute a suicide pact. Personally I would be inclined to watch movies whose main plots revolve around killing women that have jilted the main character.

2. Think- …about how much money you save NOT buying flowers, boxers, lingerie, teddy bears and jewelry. You can use those funds to buy half a textbook for next semester.

Jesus, who wrote this crap? I want to kick their ass! Yes, half a textbook will placate me other then someone that sexually desires me wearing hot lingerie or running around my place topless in boxers! This angers me greatly!

3. Listen to some angry music- This genre always seems to have many therapeutic properties. Some recommendations are:“Man in a Box”- Alice in Chains“Lithium”- Nirvana“Bullet with Butterfly Wings”-Smashing Pumpkins

I prefer the tune “I am Going to Cut You into Small Pieces With a Dull Knife” by the Serial Killers. To me that is ANGRY MUSIC!

4. Call- …your mom, dad, uncle, grandma, or second cousin twice removed. Let them know you are still alive and if you’re feeling really adventurous, have a real conversation with them, something beyond “Yo, can you send me some money?”

Yes like “Yo can you send me a friend so I do not feel so alone and like such a loser!”

5. Bake something- You don’t have to go all Betty Crocker on this one. If you have the skills to whip up a triple layer chocolate mousse cake, go for it. For people that are baking challenged, there’s always break and bake cookies.

Personally those break and bake cookies once hardened in the freezer make a great weapon so why not take up mugging since you have unending emotional pain being choked down and everyone you look at seems to resemble Satan?

6. Play some tackle football- Taking someone down is so rejuvenating. And after an evening of football, you can write Tom Brady a letter with some pointers on how not to get sacked 1,287 times in one quarter.

So not only am I to believe that I and maybe a friend may not have someone special on Valentines Day but I have 23 friends that have no one that cares for them either. We refer back to the suicide pack solution or doing a lemming’s imitation near a 200 sheer foot drop.

7. Make a craft- Remember friendship bracelets and those lizards made of beads? Time to resurrect them.

Yes, tying 4 of these bracelets together makes a great garrote. Quick, easy and no mess to clean up!

8. Do some pre-spring cleaning- If the dust bunnies under your bed look more like dust dinosaurs, Swiffer® is calling your name. Your lungs will thank you.

I don’t know about you but the first thing I always do upon finding no one loves or cares for me is to SPRING CLEAN!!!! Personally I find myself covering the room’s floor with plastic and wonder just how painful that nail gun really will be.

9. Go workout- If walking from the Engineering Quad to Lincoln Hall is your idea of exercise, this is the perfect day to upgrade. Since many people will be getting a workout of a different kind, the gym will be next to empty and for once, there won’t be a three hour wait for the treadmill.

This is probably one of the closest to a sane suggestion on this list. At least you can focus pain and anger upon weights. Then you can go home and cry, take a bath and pull out that razor blade!

10. Realize-…that it’s ridiculous to be wasting time and brain capacity worrying about being single one day out of the 365. Put that effort into doing something useful: like watching a Family Guy marathon.

That is one of the most “USEFUL” things I could do under these circumstances. Watch a Family Guy marathon. How about a “Sex in the City” marathon so you can cry while in a fetal position that you have no romantic babes in your life and may never!

Amazing contributions are made by dolts everyday in our society and this is an exceedingly prevalent example of the remedial mind set that is presented to we the public as wisdom. I am currently oiling up my Iron Maiden and sharpening the spikes and will then going looking for this person. I will show them what I like to do on Valentines Day when I have no one that loves me. : )

The Nigerian Hustle

2008-02-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

I could unequivocally state that almost everyone that reads this has at one time in recent years been subjected to the “Nigerian Scam”. No it is not a new gliding dance step which simulates a person undulating and convulsing in a fashion that they have been caught and are being eaten alive by a pride of lions or a cete of badgers (well not really badgers but I love that damn word “cete”). It happens to be an incredibly lame attempt by people to essentially steal money from you. Personally I can never see how any of these crazy and very lame attempts at stealing your money work but then again I actually was born with higher cognitive brain functions which let me observe, extrapolate and deduce what precisely is occurring in my life. I have a theory that there are many people that lose much of their brain mass while sleep as it oozes out their ear. What they mistake as drool on their pillow cases is really cerebral fluid and brain cells. That and good old “GREED” are the only two factors involved here.

At one time while I was employed by a company named Openwave, I had 3 people attempting to essentially pull the scam on me simultaneously. Everyday I would see which was more creative and how they attempted to get me to send money. One attempted to let my penis do the thinking and it would send money. Unfortunately for her my penis has no brain or bank account and it does absolutely NO thinking for me. The second attempted to pass as a business person that needed to have merchandise sent here and it could only come to a U.S. citizen and of course I would pay for it and she would reimburse me. Now if I was guaranteed that it was a huge shipment of sex toys like the “Rabbit” I would have had no trouble paying cost for them and selling them on Ebay at discount! The third was wholly pathetic since she spoke broken English and at time I thought she was ordering breakfast from me wanting her eggs sunny side up or raw, I could never tell. It had something to with someone dying or Axel Rose being abducted by aliens. I found these very amusing since you can dangle a little carrot out there and let them actually believe you might help them and keep the good times rolling until you get bored.

My favorite all time conversation with a Nigerian Scammer came when I was contacted by who I am to believe is a young woman. Of course it probably 84 year old transvestite looking to get money for that new ball gown he has been admiring for months. The story went thus and I KNOW you have heard it. I and from Nigeria (Hell she even told me!) and she was on vacation there (WTF! Who goes to Nigeria on vacation?) I was with my Mother and Father and Brother (She left out their dog Old Yeller) and we were in a horrible automobile accident (how many fatal auto accidents occur each year in Nigeria? 3 last year and one of those involved a drunken man riding an elephant while nude) She was knocked unconscious for an indeterminable amount of time. She awakes and finds she is in a hospital in New York (WHAT?) At the point I interject and agree with her and tell her there have been many time that I have been in fatal automobile accident in California and have been knocked out cold only to awake to find I have been air lifted to a hospital in New York. This really pisses me off since there is a hospital only 1 mile from where I live in Cally! Then I have to pay air fare home! DAMN IT there goes my prostitution fund for the entire month! Of course she needed money for the hospital and to get back home and asked me for some. She gave me a PO address to send it to. That evening I mailed 500 dollars in Monopoly money to her and some psychotropic drugs so she could actually believe I swallowed that horribly lame story! Hey who says I am not caring? Since then I have had this story related to me a dozen times. Someone needs a talented writer with some brains to re-write and logistically change it. I will do for 500 dollars REAL cash!!!

Does it come as a surprise when I read an individual has been bilked out of millions in this fashion? NO since it was based on greed and every dumb ass in the world always believes they can get something for nothing and it never fails and the procession of idiots down that path is endless and too many to count. The story I read today took the human capacity to reason to a new all time low. Not only did this person FALL for the Nigerian scam (which they should be summarily placed in an iron maiden for) but this person actually took out a 35 thousand dollar loan and watched it fade into the sunset. At my age I have found I have NO sympathy or can even empathize with idiots of this magnitude. I believe every major city should have an incineration center that upon engaging in such idiotic activities, the person in question must report to the center for self termination. Within 2 years there will be no over population problem, the existing population actually will show a marked increase in over all intelligence and we will have a new energy source with which to cool us in the summer and warm us in the winters. Not to mention the amount of ash available to those living in snowy regions to grit their walkways with!

Where the Hell is the American scam? It is imperative we create a counter offensive and spam their servers with stories of me surviving a meteorite strike at my family reunion in California which kills 143 family members and leaves me wandering around North Dakota with only underwear on and a singed silver plated chafing dish.

The Pit of Hell

2008-01-28T00:05:00.000-08:00

Recently I had a friend relate to me that due to the advanced age that her grandmother (98) had obtained she had lived through some extraordinary technological and historical events that essentially were the difference between the stone age and our present time period, automobiles, man landing on the moon, an age when politician were not caught on a daily basis for having sex with hookers. Of course I can relate to this to a certain extent since in my life’s span I have a bore witness to many an amazing feat and occurrence and I am not speaking about that damn Japanese idiot that can eat 67 hotdogs with the buns in 47 seconds! No my friends it is the leap from condoms made from goats intestines to that lovely feeling latex! Milk that is no longer YELLOW when drinking it because it is homogenized! Actually being able to dry your clothes inside the house instead of pinning them to a clothes line and hoping the 17 degree artic weather will freeze them dry! Oh the damnable pain of it all. No gasoline engine bus to carry us to school, having to harness the hunting dogs to drag us to school using my brother for a sled. Having to look for small stashes of nuts and grain to eat that squirrels and chipmunks had gathered for their long winter vigil and having them curse at us in high tone Chip and Dale voices. You have not felt the pang of agony until you are called a Motherf*&^r by Alvin and the Chipmunks.

The most heinous of all memories when it comes to modern conveniences deals with the memory of my grandparents. I loved them dearly but they were hillbillies. When we were made aware we were going to visit them for a week or so all preparation to not pass and fluid or solid waste from our bodies became the highest priority. You see they had NO indoor plumbing which I thought very strange for the ancient Romans even had indoor plumbing! This is how remote and isolated my grandparents were. I remember looking in the dirt cellar of their home for canned items once and find a Japanese soldier living there which did not know the war was over. He was very hospitable and taught me how to create origami characters as well as use a bayonet to kill almost anyone in hand to hand combat. I miss you Kasuka!

The daily ritual at the house included fetching water from a well for my grandmother a number of times during the day. I did not mind so much but when she decided to wash the 25 foot Lincoln Continental I would get SORELY pissed! Not to mention that all the human and animal bones I happened to withdraw from the well kept me on my toes that I could share the same fate as many water bearers before me. Some of the stories grandma told of her 7 dead children and 12 neighbors whom she claimed had crawled down the well looking for Injun Joe’s treasure made me MIGHTY suspicious! We as young boys had an aversion to soap so the once a week bath in a wash tub was tolerable since we preferred to remained smelly enough for the pigs to run away from us, revolted by their olfactory senses. Nothing was worse then seeing grandpa get out of the tub and see how wrinkled he was, this frightened and kept all dangerous animals at bay!

The outhouse was the BANE of our existence. You never wanted to go to the outhouse to begin with. The smell would make you want to vomit so we stuffed cotton up our noses and closed our eyes and clicked our heels and repeated “There is no bathroom like home, there is no bathroom like home!” What was worse is if you had to go at night. Trying to find your way to the Hellish little shack in the dark and knowing you had to sit in there with spiders and wasps and flies. It sounds like the Wizard of Oz, “Spiders and Wasps and Flies, OH MY!” My least favorite story my grand dad related to me had to be a Halloween trick played on him which involved the outhouse being moved 2 foot back. This resulted in him falling into the pit of despair in the middle of the night. He thought this funny but I did not sleep for 2 weeks. The most terrifying tale ever told me!

To this day I think of the old outhouse and I read stories of men dressed in plastic and rubber suits standing chest deep in human waste taking pictures of women’s posteriors as they go to the bathroom in park outhouses. This has happened on more then one occasion. Just think, you are ready to go to the bathroom and have been holding it for quite a while and you look down through the hole and see an SLR camera with flash aimed up at you. Personally I would piss all over the guy but I am sure he is enjoying it all!

My favorite story pertained to my Aunt Glena, which while 5 months pregnant, went to the outhouse and was bitten on the ass by a copperhead, one of the few poisonous snakes indigenous to the U.S. This would account for the reason my cousin got the part of the banjo picking goon on the porch in the movie “Deliverance” many years later. I cared for him but that Elephant man look could really creep you out when you got stuck sleeping in the same bed with him!

Needless to say these abominations still come back to haunt me when I must use portable potties knowing full well the horrors which await me when I enter one. Urine all over the walls since some drunken bastard cannot aim. Someone trying to write unintelligibly with their fecal matter on walls and the all time favorite, opening the door on an extremely ugly and flatulent person while in the midst of defecating because they forgot to lock the door! There is NO GOD!!!

So I hug my porcelain God and keep it tidy and clean for someday I know the world shall again fall into the dark ages and outhouse shall exist again. It is a tale even Poe with his genius for horror could not even begin to fathom!

Of Mice and Amnesty International

2008-01-06T20:51:00.000-08:00

It was a dark and stormy night… and fucking eh it WAS! Friday was one Hell of a day for me. My room got flooded with water, carpet soaked under my computers. Fortunately I discovered this when I moved a pc and saw it was soaked. I pulled everything out and spent 3 days drying out my carpet. What was the plus side of this incident? No PC fried, with the power strips lying on wet carpet, I did not fry and become an iridescent New Year’s decoration. My carpet is now REALLY clean! I was also in a 3 car auto accident. No one was hurt, minimum damage to all cars. My car will be fixed by insurance so again I was very lucky. When I returned home on Friday nice after these incidents, I happened to have a flashlight on pulling items from my car. I spied a small piece of wood floating down the side of the street between my car and the curb which resembled a stream. Upon the wood were 2 mice and they stood and squeaked at me as they went flowing by upon the raging torrent of water to who knows where. Other mice were lined up on the curb attempting to throw strands of thread to the mice on the piece of wood but it was futile. The 2 were swept away into darkness amidst squeaks of anguish and pain. DAMN MOTHER NATURE!!!

I get inside my now damp apartment with a space heater on attempting to dry out carpet and crap everywhere. I receive a call from a friend saying she had made a grave error in judgment. Could this have to do with g string underwear? NO, it was about another mouse incident. She thought she had a mouse in her house; no this is NOT DR. Seuss. She had laid out 5 mouse traps and when she came home one of the traps was GONE! She thought this could possibly be a rat instead of a mouse. Well that is possible unless of course it was Might Mouse. She lives in close proximity to an experimental animal lab so I thought wisely to warn her of animal growth hormones and a mouse named Algernon. The warning was necessary since I did not want her to start checking each room for the mouse and trap before the lab clean up crew arrived and spirited away their 8 foot killing machine they had accidentally created and had let escape into the night. Fortunately they had an advanced cheese detector and were led right to her house. Now she can sleep at night peacefully knowing the LITTLE mouse problem is gone. You read these kinds of stories by Stephen King all the time but when it really happens, you realize he was just writing true accounts of what people have encountered! Damn plagiarist! All kidding aside she just called me and was charged by the mouser/rat thing at her kitchen sink and she was screaming in stark terror. One of her friends thought it might be a gopher but somehow I think there is a greater chance that it was the Chupacabra then a gopher.

My friend Mary was relating problems she is having with mice infestation. She says the mice are tearing out the bottoms of her cabinets and they make little sawdust piles. She says theses are good for mouse landings when they launch themselves from the tops of the cabinets when they are on the run being chased by her. I suggested they could possibly be creating low cost mouse condos. She really got pissed when one showed off by doing a triple gainer with a 1/2 twist off her china cabinet and landing in a saw dust pile on all four feet! She said the worse problem was the mouse poop. While her pet dung beetle Percival enjoys this wholly she does not! They had begun building a facsimile of the Great Wall of China near one of the mouse holes in her house with their mouse poop. While this was impressive the smell could not be tolerated so she destroyed it and threw it into the outside garbage can. All was fine until Amnesty International appeared at her door and accused her of keeping political prisoners! Damn MICE!!!!

This reminds me of an incident when my friend Pete was going to Berkeley. He called one night and said his PC was acting strangely. I headed up the next day and we ripped his Gateway desktop apart to see what was going on. The motherboard looked a strangely shiny, yellowish green. We realized the damn mice had been urinating all over his motherboard! Amazingly it had not shorted out and they also had crapped in the ISA slots which made it quite difficult to clean. We then discovered the little bastards had gotten into his VCR player and had eaten wires. Now if a human did this, we would get shocked or worse but these guys suffered no ill effects. Pete was mighty pissed, and I understood why. When he opened his top right desk draw to get something from it, he discovered a mouse pooping on his notepad and flipping him off. Well I must say this mouse met a grisly fate involving a trash can and a Louisville slugger. Needless to say, Amnesty International arrived on the scene attempting to arrest Pete for inhumane behavior but fortunately they were met with 47 very unhappy computer geeks living in the same place who sympathized with Pete completely since it could have happened to any of their precious PCs as well.

I myself have had some harrowing experiences with rats and a Guinea Pig named “Pigger”. My sister, while living in Manhattan, New York had a rat in her place she dubbed “Bigfoot” due to his size. She was mugged by him on no more then occasions for some very expensive aged cheddar cheese. I had a friend on a trip through Mexico a few years back and he and a few friends stopped in a little town and decided to try out the BBQed meat someone was cooking and selling. Ask they were partaking of the roasted chicken; he was approached by a very large quadruped which he mistook for a dog. Unfortunately for him it was another Stephen King rat and we have never heard from him again. I am happy to share my abode with any mouse since Amnesty International frightens me more then mouse poop or urine!

New Years Resolutions

2008-01-01T23:40:00.000-08:00

Aw New Years Eve, a day that dreams are conceived on. Many entertaining inebriated fantasies about that attractive person you have been ogling all evening, enamored with at that party or bar you are attending with friends. Some spend a quiet evening at home, comforted by treats and a good classic movie like “Plan Nine from Outer Space” or “Godzilla VS the Smog Monster”. Yet others prefer to raise Hell and maybe rob a convenient store or two because the beer money ran out. All these disparate activities do have a common thread thought. No it is NOT desperation or insanity… well it could be but that is not the REAL commonality. That has to do with resolutions for the coming year. Everyone makes them and the interesting aspect is can a person sustain what they begin?

Exercise and diets rank quite highly on that resolution. Unfortunately these in most cases last approximately 3 hours and 23 minutes until the next HUGE meal on New Years Day and due to many a butt remains planted in a chair watching sports. What are the more interesting resolutions I have heard?

I had read recently and I still have to substantiate the source that a politician somewhere in the United States promised to make a statement to the public that actually had credence and offered a REAL opinion on an issue. Somehow I do not believe such an event could possibly take place since the entire political system which is based on non opinion and meaningless double talk would collapse, leaving the majority looking for work, leading to an over abundance of males and females having to sell their body for money and devaluing the U.S. prostitution industry. On one hand this would be readily anticipated by me since I could then do to them what they have been doing to us for years!

Looking at last years murder statistics in this country indicate that many more people make resolutions to become Serial Killers on New Years Eve then at any other time of the year. Last year alone there were 3 Serial Killers active in Phoenix, Arizona alone. These are hardy killers that have to survive that intense heat to carry on their resolutions! These have to be intense focused individuals to kill in a state that has such impotent sports franchises! The FBI states we have about 6 to 7 active SKs in the US at anyone time. I guess half of them agree that Phoenix is THE place to be! What a crock of shit! The number is MUCH higher then that! Last year saw the first Eskimo SK in history. He was killing other Eskimos with a walrus tusk, stuffing their pants with whale blubber and taking their mukluks for souvenirs! Talk about issues! I am sure many on NYE make many resolutions to kill more efficiently, use more creative ways to minimize mess while decapitating bodies and to be much more imaginative in the ways they kill for example like the BLT Killer from Parma, Ohio. Being named the “Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato” killer says it all.

I have to think very deeply to come up with resolutions I will keep and point to with pride at the end of the year to others I know. In 2004 I took a lot of flack whenever I mentioned I made it through the entire year “breathing”. People were NOT impressed. 1999 I claimed I would double the amount of sex I had in the year alone. Fortunately for me I am ambidextrous and just that fact alone, with purchasing extra rubber gloves and lubricant DID achieve my goal for the year. I have learned over the years never to make my resolutions too lofty to ever accomplish like in 1993 when I vowed to take over Canada and I would have succeeded too if my girlfriend at the time would not have coerced me into doing so much yard work utilizing all my time! Unfortunately for her, she disappeared under mysterious circumstances and I had the most lush and green lawn in the area. There is just no substitute for decomposing human flesh as fertilizer but never say I told you so.

So my New Years Resolution this year has to do with eating as much garlic as I possible can so people will be able to smell me coming before they ever see me! That way I will attract Italians to me and be invited to join the Cosa Nostra and see my dream come to fruition of becoming a Godfather of crime. It could happen!

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

2007-12-17T12:30:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I was talking with a friend and relating some interpersonal problems I had been encountering in life especially when it came to dealing with a certain person. My friend quipped “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!” Sometimes my friends impart great words of wisdoms but in this case this was as effective to me as “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes!” which did that group of soldiers absolutely no good since everyone attacking them had bloodshot eyes hence NO whites of the eyes so no one took a shot, being all good soldier obeying orders blindly, and they all died heinously! As you all are aware I am big on definitions and the proverbial translations of old adages. I realize what my friend was trying to say to me but this is one of those sayings that has SO many aspects of it incorrect it is time to place it in front of a firing squad and then lay it mercifully to rest just like all those soldiers that had myopia and could not possibly see the whites of anyone’s eyes unless they were kissing them. In cases such as that, making love not war would be preferable.

Flies will eat almost anything. Hell they will eat and lay eggs in you if you of course are accommodating and happen to be dead and rotting. Honey is sweet and tasty and a fly has absolutely no compunction about what it will blow acid all over with it’s proboscis and then suck it up as fluid. Honey is also very sticky, so when the fly lights upon it or near it and walks on it, his little barbed legs become stuck in it! It then relinquishes it’s entire life span of 18 weeks as it struggles to extricate itself. “There goes one leg! I can function on 5! Whoops there goes number 2 and it was a hind leg. Hmm my balance will never be the same! Oh boy now my ass is stuck. Big problem there, I do need my ass. Damn it why do I have a segmented body! Fuck right eye stuck; at least I can still see my entrapped ass with my other compound eye! Left wing in the sticky shit, OH FUCK ME!” While I am sure this is not precisely how a fly thinks, it is a good approximation of what goes on in it’s little, finite, rudimentary brain. So if I am to take this saying at to what it means to me, instead of using sweetness to interact with someone I am basically using a sticky substance to entrap and watch someone heinously croak. While a large amount of honey could do this to a person, a gun or knife is much more cost effective and using your hands to asphyxiate a person is absolutely FREE, although the honey murder idea would get BIG news coverage!

If I really wished to catch more flies, I would use shit. Any kind of shit would do. Flies love shit! Why? Dead rotted excreted material to lay eggs in and to slurp up as a hearty meal. I can unequivocally state that if you put honey and shit side by side, a fly will choose the shit every time. There was a poll taken in Alabama once among 2,345,564 flies and all of them said they chose the great taste of shit over honey every time. Well there was one fly that said he would choose honey but he also believed the president of the United States had an IQ higher then that of a certain dung beetle he personally knew that attempted to make cubes of shit to roll instead of balls, so his opinion was discounted. So if I were to make this old adage correct it would have to now read “You can catch more flies with shit than with vinegar.” Now this statement is true.

When we apply this to people though it does not work anymore because most people are repelled by shit and we get at least one big heaping bowl of Bullshit from someone everyday! Bullshitters live for dispensing bullshit to everyone but they themselves cannot deal with shit heaped upon them. Now this adage does have an exception to the rule and that is when it is applied to that certain segment of the population that love to plate without the glass! If you know someone like this (You can usually tell by the foul breath) then by DAMN “You can catch more flies with shit than with vinegar” is absolutely, 100% true! Unless of course the persons that love to literally eat shit also like to wash it down with vinegar. I would recommend to such people to choose a bottle of the finest Mogan David 20/20 or other wonderful screw top bottled wine that cost 99 cents or less to wash that fabulous treat down!

I think the vinegar portion of this saying has to be modifies now also, since we now need a substance more heinous then vinegar. We eat this in salad all the time as dressing and other foods so people actually LIKE and LOVE vinegar. So you could technically catch a lot more people with vinegar then honey. Let us say we use liquid nitrogen! Now no one can drink or use that without losing life! How about cyanide? Oh fast death there! We of course discount those that I am sure have stuck their penis an liquid nitrogen and shattered it into a gazillion pieces or the clinically depressed that would kill for a cyanide tablet. We will always have exceptions to any rule!

So “You can catch more flies with shit than with cyanide.” Now becomes our new, modern adaptation of the old saying. I know I have not named every contingency or variation that would still make this false but on a whole it now stands maybe 89% true. I am happy with it. If you can come up with a better more accurate variation let me know but for now this becomes my adaptation to be used for future instances of imparted wisdom.

Gnat Wars

2007-12-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

In recent years I've become most enamored with plants. I think that the idea that I like about plants is mostly that they’re green and they’re alive. There was a time approximately 2 to three years ago when it was impossible for me to keep a living plant within the confines of my living quarters. It seemed that no matter what I would do or how I would care for a plant it would end up dying in a most miserable and horrible fashion. But for some unknown reason in the last two years it seems that any plant that I seem to acquire seems to do very well. I can only postulate this has to do with the plant being hardy enough to withstand any type of disease, human intervention or hungry hordes of small mammals that would want to ravish them, of course I am referring to the fact that they can survive me! People that have the ability to grow plants effortlessly are referred to having “Green Thumbs” (This can also refer to someone that picks their nose constantly). I in fact possess the martial art’s “Finger of Death” and this applies to plants.

There is one thing that I seem to have become intolerant of as of late and that is the fact that people will place decorative dead flora or fauna on display in their place of residence. There is a definite comparison to be made between dead plant matter placed into a decorative motif and a crucifix displaying the image of Christ being horribly crucified. Seeing either of these items on a wall will generate the same kind of feelings in me and that is that they instill feelings of dread. There's nothing more stimulating than seeing the edifice of a dead tortured body on the wall. Dead plant matter make me equally as stimulated.

Being the plant lover that I am, I had realized that all of my plants had become root bound. So being the diligent gardener that I am, I endeavored to find all of the necessary equipment to repot my plants. Since I was raised on a farm you would think I would have no difficulty in doing so. My trip to Home Depot proved to be most fruitful when I a discovered a bag and of planting soil. I immediately purchased the bag and brought it home along with new pots and bases. The task itself was not daunting and it was performed quickly enough. Unfortunately the living Hell I am put through at the moment began only two days after this task was performed. Do you know what gnat is? I have never had any kind of the venereal disease but I would liken a gnat to what was described to me by someone as having a case of crabs. Within a matter of a few days my apartment was saturated with a small, pesky, wee beasties. They first came to my attention when I was sitting in front of my LCD screens and of course the little bastards being attracted by the brightness of the screens, would light on my LCDs. The overwhelming number of the little bastards began driving me to the point of slicing my wrists with a rusty, dull butter knife. It seemed no matter how many I would kill others would take their place. With every one killed, I was smearing their entrails across my LCD screens. Now not only did I have gnat's lighting on my LCDs but I also had their guts and entrails smeared across my screens and making it most difficult to concentrate on anything that I was reading or writing. One thing I came to learn very quickly was that I am sure that when LCD screens are tested by QA, they do absolutely no testing to remove gnat guts. I was constantly wiping my screen with a wet cloth attempting to keep it clean. After 2 days of this I realized what excessive compulsive behavior is like. It can be compared to changing your underwear 243 times a day, thinking in your mind that the KGB are psychically willing your underwear to become unwearable upon putting on a clean pair. Needless to say the Target clerk that is ringing up your order is continually giving you a disconcerting look when you come to the checkout line with three carts full of men's underwear to purchase.

My efforts to contain the little scum included a plethora of actions. I attempted to soak my plants down with water thinking that I could drown the little scum but of course they proved more resilient than I could ever believe. I witnessed about a half dozen gnats on minute pieces of wood that were contained in the mulch, using them as surfboards and hanging ten. It is amazing that six legs can provide so much more balanced than the two that humans have. So having entertained the little scum and given them an afternoon of fun in the sun, I decided I was going to attempt to use poison to counteract the growing army of six legged intruders. This of course included another trip to Home Depot and their plant department. It was absolutely daunting the number of poisons that could be found to kill anything and everything in man's environment. They actually had a poison available to kill the Chupacabra, and it doesn't even exist! I chose a poison that specifically said that it would kill gnats unfortunately I did not look close enough because upon returning home and examining the label on the poison again I realized it was to kill anybody named Nat. This would explain why I never meet too many Nats. I believe Nat King Cole died of natural causes but after seeing this poison, I not too sure about that now. So I haul all my plants outside of my apartment, and began spraying copious amounts of poison upon the leaves and into the pots. Obviously this war on the gnats was not going to be won with poison, upon returning an hour later to look at the plants I heard a lot of high-pitched laughter. Not only did this piss me off, but all the dogs in the dog park across the street due to the high pitched sound, were going insane attacking their owners, biting the chain-link fence and fighting with each other over any Starbucks coffee to be found in the enclosure. Again I had failed miserably. It was then that I began to find the little flags at the base of my plants denoting the base camps that the overwhelming numbers of gnats were setting up.

So here I sit on a Sunday night, attempting to think and to write but am driven to insanity with the constant barrage of little black winged bodies flying between myself and my LCD screens. Some land and I squish their little butts, smearing them all across my screen. I clean up the mess and smear another of the little bastards across my screen. I am beginning to see gnats when I am driving, when I am in the grocery store attempting to buy my food for the week. I go out to dinner with a friend and I see gnats on their face. This does not bode well for my friends since I immediately punch them in the face attempting to kill said gnats! Some would say I'm becoming obsessed with gnats but I would have to disagree with them. Recently a friend pointed out to me that I really had no need for a six armed T-shirt. I made a trip downtown on Friday specifically to get the paperwork to change my first name to gnat. Hell I have to say I like that name better than Bernard.

So I implore and plead with all that read this that if you have any suggestions or ideas on how to kill these little bastards I beg of you to let me know. If somehow your suggestion utilizes a rocket launcher or antitank missile, I believe that that would be a little bit of an overkill but at this point I believe this is all out war. The situation has become intolerable since I cannot afford to wash 867 pairs of underwear per day. If I had to have been made an excessive compulsive, why could the process not have included a nude woman with huge breasts?

A year older

2007-12-03T23:24:00.000-08:00

I turned forty nine this weekend and I must say for all intents and purposes I have had a great time. Could this have occurred due to the fact I had bashed my head in last week and still believe I am Kaiser Wilhelm the III? Fortunately for me I had had been goose stepping back and forth in my apartment for thirteen straight hours when I came to my senses and wondered what the Hell I was wearing thigh high leather boots brandishing a cat of nine tails for! We all go through that at one time or another but the majority of us gives up the boots and start walking with a proper gait again. Beside goose stepping causes underwear chaffing which keeps me awake at night. My frontal lobes have not been tampered with at least not in a psychical fashion. Life can have the effect of someone drilling a hole right above the orbital socket and inserting a wire and mixing around a little tissue. It saves on the whole “I have to rob and kill to financially support my heroin addiction” situation. So I went from being 48 to 49. What I have I learned in the last year?

I have learned I would NOT want to go back in time and do this all over again. You ever wonder why in those tales of eternal beings why they are so bored? Because it would be boring to live forever! I know a person that just turned 50 and I hear they think they are OLD!!!! Well I could use the Keye Luke canned answer to that response from Kung Fu and say “Compared to the common housefly, you are ancient but compared to the mountains, you have not yet begun in years!” or substitute prostitution for mountains and you get the same meaning! Imagine if, for men, we could go back in time. How you feel as your testicles are sucked back up inside, acne spews forth on your face and you could sing castrato for the Vienna Boy’s Choir? While I am positive this could possess some positive attributes for a few twisted individuals, on the whole, no guy wants to go through this only to have it reverse again and live through puberty once more. If I could go back in time, it would be to last Thursday where I got the grocery shopping done, all my underwear cleaned and folded and bathroom cleaned. With the fresh clean smell of my bathroom and a pair of clean underwear on? HOT DAMN, I will not see days like that anytime soon!

I have become much more tolerant of boxer shorts over the years. I still never wear the damn things but I see many more women wearing them I think they are damn sexy! In particular the ones that state in large black letters over the groin “Use while fresh!” Always check for the expiration date.

I have learned I can actually like a person for parts of their personality that exhibit positive attributes. Just because someone murdered, chopped up and ate someone does not mean I cannot like them because they are true animal lovers! This applies to everyone except Little Richard, who, due to having his body created from pure polymers, just looks fucking creepy!

I find I am capable of handling people and their religious beliefs in an entirely different manner then when I was young. Then I would hit them over the head with a Louisville Slugger. Now I use a garrote and take my time choking the ever living shit out of them. This can also entail multiple kicks to the groin just to hear said person invoke their God’s name!
I have learned I have become lactose intolerant and my gas smells so horrible that skunks avoid me at all cost but I never have a problem getting seat on Bart or Cal Train! This also applies to visiting a place of worship. He that passes gas in church sits in own pew. This also means I can never be breast fed again and that really pisses me off!

I have learned to be more concerned and aware of my health. I only drink one fifth of rock gut whiskey a day and my liver is 43% functional instead of only 32%! I have come a long way and worked hard to achieve this. I only wish my penis had not fallen off in the spring of this year and was carried off by a Raven believing it was a large worm. I am still crying over that one.

I have come to appreciate all my friends much more as I have gotten older. They charge me at least 15% less then they did 5 years ago to be my friends. I do not have to draw blood anymore and give it to them in vials.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday Dear LEEEE, you are one year, one day, one breath closer to death! Happy Birthday to meeeeeee! Eternal life’s a BOREEEEE!

T-Day Food Shenanigans

2007-11-19T11:47:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving is here again and it is that time of year we gather with family that we wish to otherwise murder at any other moment in our lives. This is a tradition born with the native inhabitants of this country coming forth with food and good will to share with a colony of starving Caucasians escaping religious persecution from their homeland and they were immediately slaughtered, food eaten and the genocide proceeded. Let us all pray! AMEN! I think if anyone ever refers to me as a Pilgrim I will kick their ass! Not to mention all the poor turkeys that go into hiding only to found, no green card on them and immediately shipped back to their homelands without a second thought that we could just add them to the millions here butchered to sate our blood lust for Tryptophan.

Ever since I was a wee lad there is an aspect of Thanksgiving that has become a yearly tradition, at least for me I wholly look forward to. I await in cloaked anticipation of which person will bring that one dish, that ONE concoction, that will make everyone at the table grimace in ways that you would think someone had just placed a cold dog fece on a paper plate upon the table. In some instance in my life, the dog turd would have been preferable.

One dish I will never understand that was always on the damn dinner table is candied yams. Do not get me wrong for I love yams and sweet potatoes and I enjoyed them baked with some butter and seasoned. YUMMM! So what am I witness to every freaking year? Someone must always create the version of candied yams that entails using a or can or two of off colored, sick looking root vegetables, sugar and with melted marshmallows on top. Jesus what an affront to man and God! If people would do a little research they would find that candied yams when prepared PROPERLY is a very tasty dish. It is THE dish, which upon the completion of the meal, will still have 85% of it remaining and even though stored, will eventually be thrown out if not thrown UP! Please people do a little reading and do it right, you may prevent a child from becoming a serial killer. I know this is what pushed me over the edge!

We move onto to Jell-O dishes. I have heard urban legend that Jell-O is created from horse hooves and after tasting it, if not for the sugar content, could really be made from anything, even discarded toe nails. To me it looks like the Blob. I always await the gelatinous substance to take on a life of it own and leap onto my face and proceed to melt it off. My mother would make gallons of Jell-O (I really do not know the proper measurement system since it is liquid then a semi solid). The problem I had with Jell-O was my mother always put walnuts into EVERY Jell-O dish. Damn, how about just one PLAIN dish of Jell-O? No, it could never happen. I always was pulling walnuts or that hideous canned fruit cocktail from every dish. This was fruit cocktail, yeah right? I did not even know the oval pale gray items in the mix were suppose to be grapes until I was 17 and then I was incredibly appalled! I believe fruit cocktail was one the atrocities created by the Nazis that stay with us to this day to remind of those evil times and people. My favorite AWFUL Jell-O dish ever made was a concoction of Lime Jell-O mixed with shaved cabbage with a layer of sour cream on top. I still awake in the night, sweating profusely from a re-occurring nightmare screaming “LIME JELLO! GOD YOU HAVE FORSAKEN MEEEEEEEEEE!”

In recent years people have taken to deep frying their turkeys and I am always amused at the stories of people deep frying their faces and appendages and their children. I am sure the cannibal community reads these same articles for recipe ideas. It saddens me to see an animal, that when cooked properly is delicious and full of a drug we all enjoy. The vast majority of the time, it is dry and chewing and you have to douse it with a half gallon of gravy to make it palatable. What an epitaph, to have given a life to be cooked and tasteless. I really wish there were haunting ghosts. People would think twice before fucking up cooking a turkey if it’s featherless, headless spirit tortured your ass for the rest of your life for wasting its life in such a way. I remember one Thanksgiving with a health nut girl friend that bought an organic turkey which I agreed to pay half for. I am an imbecile you see. She gets a 9 pound turkey and it cost me 33 bucks! Remember I only paid half. This was for an emaciated turkey missing half his feathers and probably had rickets but DAMN IT, it was organic!

So I hope that all my friends and acquaintances have a lovely Thanksgiving and it brings great joy. Afterwards, I always enjoy the inevitable food poisoning stories that are related to me as well as new food dish horrors that were created and made the rounds. Hell, if we wished to end any war why use WMDs? We just need to send tons of Lime Jell-O with shaved cabbage and sour cream topping. Any nation would surrender unconditionally!

Sense and Sensibilities

2007-11-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

“Sweet fuck, I was just violated!” were the words that popped up on my screen in a Yahoo IM window. This caused me great concern for it was from my friend Higgs. At first I was worried that the current stories in the press of a reputed man running around dressed in a neoprene suit and accosting chickens was true and Higgs had become an unwilling victim or forced participant in a chicken copulation act. Needless to say I was jolted into action! I immediately went into the kitchen to make a cup of relaxing, hot tea and then returned to ask Higgs what had happened.

His explanation defies my relating what it was that was streamed across his monitor and sent him falling to the floor onto his knees to keep from passing out. Fortunately, I had presence of mind to advise Higgs to place the prongs of a screwdriver he had nearby into the closest electrical socket to keep his heart beating by shocking himself repeatedly. (I know this works since I give myself shock treatment by this method at least twice daily) I know I had seen something similar to what he described years ago. My friend Coustie had a habit of sending e-mails miraculously timed seconds before we would go to lunch and have them described innocuously enough as the latest motorcycle on the market. We mindless imbeciles (We NEVER learned) would click on the link or open the file to bear witness to the vilest acts of depravity ever witnessed. Needless to say I lost weight on the “Coustier videos that make you wretch and forget eating diet!” Why he never appeared on Opray I do not know.

This brings me to two other topics that also were brought to my attention of a sexual nature. Masturbation, we all do, we see people do, the president does this (As well as having sex with kangaroos he loves chasing around the oval office nude with a strap on dildo with his father’s face on it). Everyone that knows me also is quite aware of the fact of my affinity for the word “WANKER”. I love that word! SAY IT!!!!! WANKER! Ok so I used this word the other day with a rather friendly woman from Australia and she rather kindly corrected me and claimed only men can “Wank”. Is this true I ask of all men? I claimed women could “Wank” too but she said only men have something to grab hold of to “Wank”. Of course being the lady she is, I at first was stymied by what I could grab to “Wank”. I look in the fridge and I knew I could not “Wank” an apple that was sitting there green and delicious. I thought about frozen chicken breasts and “Wanking” them would just make a horrible mess and cause possible freezer burn to my hand. Then it dawned on me. MY penis! HA that is what she was referring to. Well I explained that women technically can “Wank” also since the clitoris is after all an underdeveloped penis. (Hope that does not give some of you guys nightmares) She asked me “How can a woman use a clitoris to “Wank” and I said “VEWY VEWY CAREFULLY”. So women can “Wank” and you will have to show me other wise… Errr I mean debate it, I mean…

Let us now proceed to the next topic, beastiality. Of course you know whenever someone mentions to me in a conversation about going to Walmart to buy a new dish draining apparatus I immediately type into a browser “beastiality” to see what appears. This is a most interesting site. http://www.zoophile.net/dolphins.php . Here you will find all the information in Faqs on how to have intercourse with any animal of your choosing, well at least the popular ones. I am sure a brave few have tried fellating an elephant and upon the force of the ejaculation, were sent flying 20 feet headfirst into a brick wall suffering permanent brain damage which in retrospect is quite advantageous. Who would want to remember that? Question #6 is just insane. It asked “Where can I find a dolphin to mate with? WTF? Just look in any seedy bar or lowly honky tonk or the “Male or Female looking for Dolphins” section on Craigslist, and you will find many a male dolphin looking to get laid. My personal favorite FAQ pertains to having sex with a Mad Buffalo which put an entirely different spin on how Buffalo Bill Cody REALLY got his name!

I received this epiphany from Mario and it got a laugh out me:
I was just wondering the other day after passing some young 'uns in a car with that dang nab rap music blaring, what's gonna happen when they're 75? Will they call their grandchildren to them and say, "Come here, children. Granpa's gonna play for you some of my favorite tunes from when I was a kid." Then proceed to blare "I fucked dat ho in tha ass! Den popped her wit ma gat, yo! Mothafucka, mothafucka, in da ass, in da ass!" Yes, it'll be so very wonderful when 80 year-olds are cruising in their low-riders or putting spinner on their walkers still blaring that damn rap music but now only because they're actually deaf. It gives me something to look forward to...

Oh yes and I did receive quite a few requests for my corpse when I expire. One Good Fellow suggested a contest on the most interesting use of my corpse and the winner is willed my body upon my death. If you are interested, please send your uses for my dead body to me so I may decide who gets it other the Gunthar Hangans.

Gunthar Hagan's Ice Cream

2007-11-05T14:01:00.001-08:00

Recently I had the opportunity to go to an exhibition at the San Jose Tech Museum which is more then unique. Essentially it was comprised of number of cadavers and various anatomical organs which had been preserved and presented in and by a process known as plasticin. These creations were conceived and created by a German named Gunther (Aren’t they all named that?) Hagans. Jesus he sounds like an Ice Cream shop. Just like those Germans to always be doing something interesting and innovative with human bodies! They even beat Ed Gein to creating the human skin lamp shade!

I myself know not what the plasticin procedure entails with a body or body part but I do know they use so many diseased parts you could drop a heart on the floor 6 times while encasing it in plastic and no one will know the difference. It has the effect of making a body or organ look unreal but what else are you going to do? It is far superior to the taxidermist method of preservation or displaying them in huge ziplock sandwich bags which keeps the cadaver and freshness in!

I remember growing up with this stuffed Great Horned Owl that my parents insisted sit on my night stand. I hated that damn thing. Especially the iridescent, unreal glass eyes the beast possessed which forever glared at me. I would hide it, they would find it and it would be back. How did they ever find the damn thing when I hid it inside my sister’s old giant stuffed panda bear I will never know! I had no recourse but to set it on fire and explain to my mother and father it had been the victim of spontaneous great owl combustion. I got my ass whooped over that one!

One thing I did observe was, while the majority of people have an aversion to fresh cadavers it seemed no one was hesitant at all to closely examine all and every part of the body. You had faces inches from lips and assholes my friends. Silence was broken when a woman near the case that housed a male’s penis and testes began screaming “YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED YOU BASTARD!!!!” She was either a dye in the wool feminist or a she knew the man whose penis it was. I looked closely to see if it was Lorena Bobbit but it was not. Thank God because I was NOT wearing my jock strap with the hard protective cup!

I appreciated the fact that Hagan’s had taken the cadavers and placed them into dynamic poses to illustrate the stress and strain on the muscles. I particularly liked the baseball batter in the motion of swinging. It was amazing! I came away with a 32 oz wooden Louisville Slugger bat, a Rolex watch and three metacarpals! I can always use the metacarpals as back scratchers or nose pickers! SCORE!!!!!!!

On my way out of the exhibit I spied a rather large representation of the form needed to donate one’s body to Gunther so he can make a life size GI Joe or Barbi out of you. I grabbed a donor card and asked the elderly gentlemen what I would have to do to become an exhibit. He said I would have to come up with a pose they had not used yet in any of the 4 exhibits being shown. I immediately struck the disco pose John Travolta used on the poster of movie Saturday Night Fever. The old man said “That will do it! Now please LEAVE!”

I know I promised a few of you I would will you my body to use as a speaker stand but unfortunately there is only one of me. It could work with satellite speakers with me holding one in each hand but my head peering over or hands extending around each side of your TV is just plain creepy! Beside I am only 6 foot tall and speakers must be set apart at least 8 foot for optimal placement. I only have a six foot reach from finger tip to finger tip.

Just remember when I die to come to the one exhibit where I will be skinless transported back to the 70’s! “Night fever, night fever, we know how to do it…..”

Lunch Theft

2007-10-28T22:36:00.001-07:00

During the course of the week I receive much “O” e-mail and I love comments from you guys since it almost always makes me laugh. I received one this week and I pondered it and laughed at it and thought I would share it.

I was taking a shower the other day (which I tend to do from time to time) and I was thinking about food, having just setup my kitchen earlier that day. I was thinking about how great it must be to be one of those people at work that eat other peoples lunch out of the fridge. What does it take to be one of those people, knowing that your actions will cause another person to go hungry for lunch and probably have a crappy day....hehe. Ahhh, to be able to walk up to that refrigerator swing that door open reach in and randomly grab someone’s little brown bag of goodies, scurry off with it, go outside, enjoy the day and calmly eat it under the shade of a nice tree. What a LIBERATING!!!!!! Feeling that must be, not to give a crap. Sure some people may consider this person an asshole but don't judge to soon. This warrior of the lunch room probably is less stressed at work, he saves both time and money by taking the lunch and even if the brown bag of goodies sucks he is not out much effort and he still has the thrill of the unknown. My friends please discuss this amongst your selves and strive to understand that vanguard of the work fridge and not be too quick to judge him. He may hold the secret to happiness.Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power: Abraham Lincoln

Well one thing I know for sure is that the old rail splitter was not referring to absconding with people’s lunches! There has never been one moment I have ever witnessed a person standing in front of a refrigerator at work, screaming “They are mine, ALL MINE, MWA HA HA HA HA!!!!” A damn megalomaniac created by giving him power! Holy shit, Abe was right! Give a man power and look what happens! King of all he surveys! All 3 shelves!

Now I will not say who sent this to me but he does bath REGULARLY and is a rather handsome and dapper, large man. The logic I wish to impart in this situation has to do with playing devil’s advocate. What if said perpetrator does take a lunch, will he feel empowered or liberated if he sneaks to his secret place to consume said food only to find out he has taken fish head sandwiches and is knocked unconscious upon opening the bag? What if he happens to find rat pate made by the hands of the only true psychopath within a 25,000 square mile area that just happens to work with him? Oh well that lunch just cost you your LIFE! Damn serial killer will be making pate out of your ass (literally) and eating it for the next six months!

Neither money nor time is saved when you steal a lunch you find was made by some woman’s child for mommy’s birthday and mom took it just to be nice and has no intention of eating it. It is after all, two sugar and dill pickle sandwiches along with Twinkies fried in bacon fat for dessert are really not edible.

There is also the fact you could have taken the lunch someone needs desperately to maintain their blood sugar since they are diabetic and you just KILLED THEM YOU BASTARD! We will not EVEN mention if an OLD bag is taken and you almost die of food poisoning from fried chicken cooked 7 months ago!

As you can see I am not a big advocate of taking food at work. Mostly because if I am caught I will get my ass kicked. These are the checks and balances. I present this my friends as he did for your input. Am I just not open minded? Is there a life lesson to be learned here? Will I gain ultimate power and rule over all if I take lunches? I will never know since I do not have a refrigerator to take food from! BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!!!!!

Dread Camel Toe

2007-10-22T00:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my proclivity for the meanderings of my mind amazes even myself. I was on the phone speaking with a friend pertaining to purchasing a router and a PC card for her laptop. I was relating to her a story I was reading about a 106 year old man marrying a young 80 year old woman. The thought of the consummation had passed through my mind and it occurred to me if a 106 year old man got sexually aroused, he would stand a 96% chance of having a coronary due to all of his blood being pulled from his extremities to his groin. He could possibly attain an erection but would be as helpless as a boneless chicken. A crane would have to be used and the up motion would be way too slow and the downward drop could impale his bride. How this conversation EVER morphed to camel toe I will never know.

We all know what camel toe is do we not? Generally it is a term to refer to the outline of a woman’s vulva when seen through tight, form fitting clothes. Generally camel toe is quite unappealing to me and looks quite painful. The thought of cloth riding up inside of you is akin to a permanent wedgie that you walk around with all day or the construction worker that bares half his ass crack to the world on a daily basis. All should be avoided by healthy minds. Fortunately when I see camel toe I just have to remove my glasses and my blindness is a Godsend!

I know that there is a website created for EVERYTHING and especially when it is of a sexual nature with the exception of midget, clown porn. So of course I go looking and I find a site devoted to celebrities and their camel toes. It was especially amusing to see a picture of Linda Carter (AKA Wonder Woman) in an alternate skin tight, blue spandex jumpsuit she was to wear on the show. When you saw what she was sporting under the waist, you knew why it NEVER appeared on TV. The site I found very disturbing was RateMyCamelToe.com. Now I could have stayed there for a few hours just rating some of the pictures but I became so frightened of a few pictures in which some women displayed camel toe that was SO severe it appeared that Jack the Ripper had slit them half way up their abdomens and the bottoms were riding up the crack! MY GOD!!! Now we have all heard jokes pertaining to the size of some women and I mean this was 2 by 4s strapped to the feet TIME! I had nightmares all night of falling into a bottomless, wet and muggy pit, unable to get out and all I could hear were the echoing cries of my VOICE, VOIce, Voice, voice... Hmm could this be the pit of despair. For all involved, YES!

I actually found a Wikipedia entry and it amused me to no end. It explained the common circumstances of camel toe. It even claimed that those damn clothing designers even create clothing to achieve this affect! SICK PEOPLE! I then realized while looking at this picture that it was a Rorschach Test. What do YOU see when you look at this?
1. A cleft palette
2. Twin peaks
3. Mount Vesuvius
4. An insect ovipositor
5. Jimmy Durante in the movie “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World” saying “It’s under a BIG “W””
6. The face of the Madonna or is THIS Madonna?
7. For 7-10 days a month something that can be considered “Stigmata”
8. I will not eat for two days.
9. Two tit mice huddling together for warmth.

Please let me know what you see. You could call this horse, cow, deer hoof. It looks like the nose muzzle of a cat and it even has the whiskers! Not to mention it is already has a slang name for a cat. This shows why. If you can come up with a better name, please inform me. Even the name “Camel Toe” sounds like some disease that disfigures your anatomy and in this photo it does look that way!

Please help stop this horrid, terrifying aberration of nature from occurring! Aren’t our children exposed to enough traumas each and every day without having to deal with this?

The Clean Up

2007-10-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

Saturday I had a very wondrous day and experience. You ever work for a day and just have fun? It can be a foreign concept to many but can be encountered. I was to perform some services for as friend of mine and it began early with a trip to Piedmont CA.

I arrive at a neighborhood consisting of old homes, lovely in many ways. Quiet, all properties well maintained. I park my car and immediately upon exiting it I encounter the owning of the home whose house I am parked in front of. He inquires as to what I am doing here. I immediately hand him a dozen business cards of mine stating that I am a male whore and my rates are very reasonable. He gleefully skipped back into his house muttering something about giving them to all his friends. Fortuitously I noticed that Mr. Boppo the clown outfit, half hidden under his bath robes. Business is good since I slimmed down and muscled up.

I approach the front door and knock. I hear a deep barking commence on the other side of the door. My friend opens the door and I am face to face with the Alpha dog of the house hold. He is upset that I am there. I immediately take the proper action when faced with a hostile dog. I get down on all fours and he smells my butt and I smell his and we are buds for life. I find out his name is Pi or Pie or Pye. I ask him which is it? He barks 3.14 times. I now know where to come for help with higher mathematics.

We proceed to the basement and my job, if I decide to undertake it is to clean up the basement and sort items to keep and to donate. A quarter of the basement is cement and the rest earthen. The concept is grasped immediately and I am left to tote that barge and lift that bale. Knowing my friend I immediately crawl to the furthest part of the basement since it is only a 3 foot clearance and find what I knew I would. Four shallow graves containing 3 former boyfriends (supposition) and an obviously disliked postman, this I know by the brim of the pith helmet protruding through the soil. This could have been Pi’s work but it was too clean and professional. Damn she is good! I take the pith helmet since she said I could have anything I wanted that was to be donated.

The first box I open I find a very creepy looking frog. It can either be papier-mâché or a real, dead and mummified frog. I throw it into the donation pile since IF it is a real mummified frog, it will fetch a high price from a Norman Bates type person. I find a pair of men’s boxer shorts which have the traditional smiley face all over them. This reminds me of the time I submitted my design to Hanes for their traditional Easter boxers they release. It was a graphic of the Easter bunny desperately gnawing through his paw to get out of a pan trap. I received a letter from Hanes with the names and numbers of six psychiatrists in my area. I called all of them seeing if they wanted to buy the graphic but none were interested.

I found a bed frame and small beside stand next to it so I opened the top drawer to see what could be sorted out. Son of a BITCH! There was a Gideon’s Bible in it and it was date 7/2007. How the hell did they get in here? Damn they are good at picking locks! Those bastards must have invented some bedside stand radar to find this one! I must tell my fried to take precautions like hiring a member from the Temple of Seth to stand guard over the door.

My friend and her daughter take me to lunch at a very nice Japanese restaurant. My friend explains to her daughter I talk a LOT! They warn me because they have the metabolism of shrews that if I do not keep quiet and eat they will do something nasty to me if I am not finished by the time they are done. The soup arrives and I say “Thank you” to the waiter. The daughter states I am talking too much and takes her chop stick and pokes me in the side of the head. I know they mean business. I remain relatively silent since I do not want to end up in the sushi case covered in sea weed and being eaten. Although I am sure with wasabi sauce I would be delicious.

All day long I must stay hunched over and do a Quasimodo imitation since I do not wish to smack or impale my head on pipes and beams. Walking like a higher primate while carrying items is tough. Earlier in the week I had taken a glancing blow to my head on a cement stair. I immediately went to my knees thinking “This is going to really smart!” It was then I noticed something warm running down my face. I touch it with my left hand and it was covered in blood. Blood is pouring over my glasses in copious amounts. There is blood everywhere. I walk back to my apartment to assess the damage. There is an old man standing by a car as I emerge to the street. He looks at me with a horrified expression on his face. I state nonchalantly “That damn postman is not going to be leaving me any more junk mail”. He shrieks, jumps into his car and screeches off.

One thing I love about going through other’s items is discovering talents they possess. I ran across some beautiful croqueted pieces she had created and something that is dear to my heart quilts. She made beautiful homemade quilts. She is obviously a very talented person. I come from a farming community so I love handmade quilts. This appreciation came from living near the Amish. They make everything they own. The wooden telephones and televisions were not functional but DAMN did they look good!

All and all in the end, the basement was cleaned and sorted. My friend was pleased with the job and that made me happy. Her kindness in so many ways overwhelmed me. I even had a whole box of booty I got to take home and was up to the wee hours of the morning playing with! Damn life is good!

Knuckle Draggers and CFM

2007-10-08T10:25:00.001-07:00

Recently I was edified by a friend pertaining to a term I had never yet before encountered that I am sure other women are quite aware of. When I first heard it I laughed since it is perfectly indicative of men I have met and could not be more accurate. Fortunately all the men involved with the distribution of this e-mail are witty, sensitive, intelligent, giving individuals with only a few serial killers thrown into the mix.

We were in the middle of a conversation and she mentioned that in her life she had met more then her share of “Knuckle Draggers” and that you recognize them very quickly upon seeing them. I laughed and asked what did the term denote? Knuckle Draggers reference the man that even though born in the present in all aspects give the indication they have just crawled out of the primordial ooze still believing they are hunters and gatherers. As with nature shows of the past (Hell not included are all current nut bags), a knuckle dragger is spotted quite easily moving through a crowded bar. From a distance they can be spotted sporting their uni-eyebrow or wearing the antiquated mullet hair cut, which is still a preferred hair do of the south. (There are many a knuckle dragger down there I am informed). They will be seen wearing a tee shirt with their high school sports team proudly displayed for which they played some sport for 22 years ago or they will still be wearing double knit clothing of some kind. Of course knuckle draggers are a little more sophisticated in Metropolitan areas or states such as California.

When engaged in a conversation with one it is realized instantaneously that communication beyond monosyllabic response is impossible. Communication consists of grunts which reference to the basic needs in life. These would include “Uhhhhh”, “food”, “beer”, “sex”, “piss”, “sheep”, and the sexual references to “tits”, “ass”, “hogs” and “sex” and not particularly in that order. Inevitable during said conversation the knuckle dragger will grab his groin to adjust his package in an attempt to impress the female involved in this deep conversation. Constant readjustment of the pants to cover the butt crack is necessary also. Without a doubt their favorite movie will be “Deliverance” which they find tugs at their heart’s string.

Now it is up to YOU the MALE reader to describe to me the equivalent of the female of the species to the “knuckle dragger”.

I also had a friend mention to me she had just received a new hair do and was preparing to go out and purchase some “CFM” shoes. Now I have heard this term before and I find it quite humorous. So the search is on for a very sexually enticing high heeled shoe, preferably with a thin stiletto heel, so when paced upon the foot a man knows precisely what she is advertising for. I hate to break to you women but for we men, mold encrusted 5 dollar thongs (I am NOT talking about underwear) bought at Longs 3 years ago are “CFM” shoes! As long as you show some indication you are looking for a man and sex, you can be wearing a tee shirt and sweats painting a room and we will gratuitously oblige you! It would be less expensive just to place a sticky note somewhere visible which simply states “SEX”. It is most easily spotted if placed on the forehead. We will know and take appropriate actions.

This is also akin to a woman taking the effort and time to shop at Victoria’s Secret. Who the Hell is Victoria and what the Hell is her secret? Probably that she had a penis and was a MAN! Anyway much effort and money is spent selecting the perfect teddy and panties in an effort to entice a man to engage in love making. You meet him at the door or await him in a seductive pose on the bed. He enters and looks at you and in 2.3 seconds the teddy and undies are ripped from you and thrown across the room! Never to be remembered! Again naked laying on a bed or greeting us at the door in such a manner is a good thing and saves money so that you can buy that jewelry you REALLY wanted for your birthday but received that F^%KING microwave instead.

Sometimes it is a wonder we even procreate at all isn’t it? I want to hear some comments on this. Intelligent banter is what is needed for me to fully understand more of this phenomenon known as pairing or dating or marriage or sexual engagement.

Horrorscopes

2007-10-01T14:37:00.001-07:00

So I start the day reading of an account where an inebriated man stole a bright orange tractor form the Nordic Centre (Site of the 88 Olympics) and drove through a resort and crashed onto the 14th hole of a golf course. Number one: I love the idea of stealing a BRIGHT ORANGE vehicle which has a top speed of a lethargic 3 toed sloth on Quaaludes but Number 2: that he led the police on an OJ Simpson type chase before being apprehended and beaten by an 82 year old Japanese grounds keeper for fucking up the putting green on the 14th. Never fuck with golf course groundskeepers! Personally I think he would have gotten away with it if it has been the start of deer season. He would have just been mistaken as another hunter

I am writing some Horoscopes today. Something I have not done for quite sometime and my spirit guide Chief Crazy Ass is just pushing me to do so.

Aries: You don't need to cheat to achieve your goals but paying everyone else to do your home work and take your tests sure as Hell makes college more fun!

Leo: Be frank and honest when you discuss whatever's on your mind, and you'll see an intellectual spark in your partner's eye instead of that horrible blank stare she had after consuming all that rat poison you hid in her latte.

Sagittarius: All this success is exciting, but it might also feel a little overwhelming. So just sit back and enjoy the fact that you DID successfully cram 4 gallons of ice cold lime jello into your underwear.

Taurus: It's time to start planning your next travel adventure! Act now to get a great deal. The bidding on EBAY for that bruiser promises to flies anywhere to beat the living shit out of you will close soon!

Virgo: Be prepared for some critical feedback today -- you should not take offense. It is perfectly acceptable to be called an inexcusable piece of excrement by those pre-schoolers you attempt to control.

Capricorn: To get better results with a puzzling person, change your approach. Instead of asking, using a nightstick on the kneecaps, it never fails in getting the location and combination to that family safe.

Gemini: Are you biting your nails over a decision? Confide in someone instead of fretting about it silently. I know you do not wish to have to go through those electro shock therapy treatments anymore but how else will you stop the bed wetting?

Libra: Have you ever visited your local parks/museums/historical society after saying you would for the last year? You should because the medication is now working and you are no longer being chased and chastised by those damn little gnomes.

Aquarius: A charming person's coy ambiguity may be a big waste of your time. Just pay that prostitute what you think she REALLY is worth!

Cancer: Your normally go-it-alone self is hankering for some company, and your friends couldn't be more delighted, unfortunately the security guards at the ball park will not permit you and your 4 skunk friend’s entrance to the ballgame.

Scorpio: Whether you realize it or not, you just passed a major milestone but with the pain of the forth kidney stone passing through your urinary tract is fresh in your mind and genitals, you will settle for bed instead of celebration.

Pisces: The universe sends unexpected inspiration your way unfortunately the alien flesh eating virus consumes you before you have the opportunity to put it on paper.

Karaoke

2007-09-19T15:49:00.001-07:00

I happened to have a friend invite me over Saturday night to do some karaoke and generally have fun. I have had some karaoke experience in my life and it has all been interesting. I myself do not even remember when this particular past time became so big or was introduced into this country. It does give others the ability to display talent that they have or for others to make our ears bleed and cause permanent hearing damage!

I had a friend that lived next to an Asian family that treated karaoke as if it were a religion. He complained they sang EVERY night and sometimes to the wee hours of the morning causing many hours of no sleep. Poor dogs in the neighborhood howled in protest at the blood curdling high pitched whines emanating from their home. Many of those poor animals beaten by owners not understanding the anguish and pain they were in! I on occasion when I was over visiting on a Friday or Saturday night witnessed this. All would dress formally and begin their singing and it would go on for hours. I never recognized anything being sung but I sure learned to bring my ear plugs with me when I visited. After a while I became suspicious and stated to believe maybe this is not really Karaoke. I looked at the antenna array on their home which rivaled some US spy sub arrays I have seen. I recorded some of their singing and took it to a friend to translate it for me since no song was recognizable. Much to my surprise he told me they were NOT published songs that they were singing to but were hailing and begging some entity named "Gigorn" to come to the Earth and begin his 50 year rain of darkness! Well this pissed us right off and we called the FBI to report some weird ass cult and they investigated, discovered what they were up to and confiscated all the equipment! From then on, my friend slept soundly and all the dogs in the immediate area did not fear for being beaten due to being driven to madness. The cult moved to who knows where, hopefully close to the nation's capitol to torture those that truly deserve it!

One of the greatest acts of karaoke bravery I have witnessed came from my friend Mike when we visited a gay karaoke bar in SF one night to do some singing. I did not sing because was too intimidated. There were some phenomenal singers there. He told me he was going to sing "Volare". I turned to Mike as he announced this and said "Dude you know most of the song is in Italian?" Did this discourage him? NO! He walked to the microphone as steadily as a condemned man that accepts his fate at the hands of an executioner. The song starts. He knew 2 words to the song but damn he sang them. He did not know what the rest of the song was trying to say but he stood there and sang his 2 words! When he walked back to the table after the performance I wept as I could hear his 5 pound testicles of steel clanking together! It is something I have always remembered in times I need courage!

There is an interesting behavior that takes place when you mix drinking with karaoke. As a person gets more inebriated, they actually believe there is NO song or pitch they cannot sing or hit. I experienced this on Saturday night when my friend after a few drinks says to me "Let's sing Boston's "More Then a Feeling"". I tried to talk him out of it explaining to him that any attempt at hitting those high notes would cause our genitals to explode and the possible loss of bowel control. Did this deter him, NO! We sang the song and the dogs in the backyard went insane. The cats in the garage attempted suicide but placing their claws in the electrical sockets. People ran from the house covering their ears and screaming. The police were called and we were almost arrested for the attempted murder of a great song! I got back at him later when I told him we had to sing a Bee Gees song. Three of us sang "Night Fever" in Barry Gibbs ungodly falsetto voice and it sounded much better then our attempt at Boston! At least no one got hurt! The ones that were unconscious from the Boston song were still out so they were safe from that one.

If you have not karaoked before do so. Even if you do not have a voice, fake it. Chose a song like CW McCall's Legendary "Convoy" and just talk like he did. You will have fun. A few drinks never hurt!

Nonexistence and hunger

2007-09-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

Sunday evening I happened to be on the phone with a friend of mine that is somewhat obsessive compulsive. At this point in time she is consumed by jewelry and gemstones and stones of varying kinds. It is not just an OC activity this time, she wishes to make jewelry and also broker it. This is a nice change of pace from hearing she is interested in 13th century Lemur scat and has purchased 30 such pieces to start a massive collection of 700 year old Lemur droppings which will end up stacked resembling an excremental Eiffel Tower in one of the rooms of her home. Amazingly it does smell French though! We happen to be on EBAY (Encompassing Bane Assaulting You) and she was feeding me auction numbers for dragon items. These happened to be for men’s rings. I bring up one picture and it is a nice looking sterling silver ring and beside the ring is the text “LIFELIKE DRAGON!” Well DAMN if they were not telling the truth. It looked exactly like the dragon that was rampaging rampant down Camden Ave. yesterday eating everyone in its path and belching fire and setting the Taco Bell ablaze! WTF, now I have to find another Taco Bell! BASTARD! The point being there has never been a REAL dragon (It did not look like a Komodo dragon) so how the Hell can this ring resemble a LIFELIKE Dragon? I showed the ad to the Sasquatch living across the street in the park named Phil and he wholly agrees with me on that point.

A friend and I went to the movies yesterday and saw “3:10 to Yuma” which I absolutely loved and she hated so vehemently that I had to wrestle with her for 5 minutes to get the switchblade from her hand with which she was going to use to slit her wrists or stab me 143 times. Of course we all sit through trailers in hopes we see something that may bring a semblance of interest from the movie making machine in America. How many times have we seen this? “BASED ON A TRUE STORY!” When we all know that the only similarity the real incident and the movie have in common is the actor portraying the person in question and said person both have sphincters! People, if I want to view a true portrayal of the Zodiac Killer, I need there to be more in common then just 2 people having anal orifices For once I would love to see “Based on an incident which never took place, will never take place and is absolutely idiotic but we will take your 12 dollars for a piss poorly written movie anyway!” Damn Hollywood and their run on sentences!

Saturday night I receive a phone call from a friend that was in a tough position in more ways then one! She was suffering from knee and lower back problems. Essentially trapped in a building and not being able to leave due to unseen circumstances. She had to remain at work for 2-3 hours before she could go home. She mentions to me that she was rummaging through co-workers cubicles to find food to eat. She says to me “I am as hungry as a Beaver!” Now I have heard many a simile pertaining to hunger (some of you have heard me say I am so hungry I could eat a babies butt through a park bench) but I never have encountered this one. I felt a pang of sadness for her since I know bark and wood chips are scarce commodities to be found in a business office. This of course could spawn a whole new line of hungry similes such as:

1. “I am as hungry as an amoeba which has not engulfed and absorbed another one cell organism in the last 2 minutes!”
2. “I am hungry as a starving fly sitting atop a wagon full of cow excrement with a nonfunctional proboscis!”
3. "I am as hungry as a succubus that has not found a man’s soul to steal and consume in his dreams in over a WEEK!”
4. “I am as hungry as Cete of Badgers trapped in Luciano Pavarotti’s boxer shorts for 3 days! (I finally got to use that word! JOYYYY!)
5. “I’m so hungry I could actually eat that stuff of the top of Donald Trump’s head that he calls hair!”
6. “I’m as hungry as a shrew that must eat twice his body weight everyday plus a delicious shake to stay alive!”
7. “I’m as hungry as a leech sucking on a cadaver full of embalming fluid!”

As you can see there are many a simile to describe hunger and many more yet to utilized. You think about it and maybe share a few with me. By the way “I am as hungry as a zombie that has no teeth!”

Updated Animal TV Shows

2007-09-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

I went to an Athletics’ game on Saturday and it was very enjoyable especially attending with the group of people I was with. The A’s got their buns beat 5-1 with the only highlight being Mike Piazza hitting a solo shot. Of course Satan has cranked up the nether furnaces the last week and buns were frying in the bleachers. There was a gentleman in the center field bleachers playing a trumpet in hopes of rallying the troops but he suffered a heat stroke during the 4th inning and began playing a really bad version of "The Macarena". Thankfully he died in the 5th inning when the 35 people surrounding him took turns bludgeoning him to death with his own musical instrument. Fortuitously there were 12K in attendance and we had no problem finding seats in the shade and being comfortable. Of course ice packs in the underwear were of great help on a day such as this. I even got a laugh as we were entering the stadium and they were checking my man purse. The person checking my bag was too preoccupied speaking with someone else to listen to what I was saying as I opened compartments. I opened one and said “And here are all my DRUGS!” Without skipping a beat he turns to me and says. “You enjoy yourself sir!” and I pass on through. Damn why did I leave my peyote at home!

Later in the evening 3 of us were sitting around the kitchen table discussing various topics when for some reason I mentioned “What would a show such as Mr. Ed be like if it were updated to today?” Now that made me think of a few shows when I was a kid and here are our modifications in the current era and age of television.

Gentle Ben: The saga of a young lad that has befriended a black bear which week after week saves his little ass and thwarts bad guys in a swamp. This begets the modern:
Yentil Ben: The saga of a Hasidic Jewish black bear which roams the swamps in search of perpetrators of anti-semantic ideas and deeds. He is a very thin of course due to his diet since while hunting it is very difficult for a predator to find kosher prey. Along with Swamp Thing, our marshlands are very safe. Catch phrase “Do not bring your pork in here!”

Flipper: The story of a dolphin which week after week saves people that have fallen overboard into the waters of the Florida Keys and are attacked by sharks. We see the same footage every week of dolphin ramming shark and saving said person. Small boy involved again.
Ripper: Dolphins are one of the few mammals that actually have sex because they enjoy it. The premise of this show deals with a Sculley and Maulder X-Files type team attempting to track down a serial rapist dolphin. As the Dolphin claims victim after victim in the Florida Keys the two agents constantly are at odds because one believe Ripper exists while the other does not. This perpetuates the show for two seasons until Ripper is caught utilizing a Real Doll and the agents are re-assigned to tracking down Bigfoot, who has now taken up robbing shoe stores attempting to find Reeboks in his size. Catch phrase: EHA EHA EHA EHA EEEEEEEEEE! (Who the Hell knows? I do not speak Dolphin!)

Mr. Ed: The story of a talking horse which week after week solves all the problems of a man with the intelligence of a remedial three toed sloth.
Tupac Jack: The story of a hip, rapping black Jackass which week after weeks solves all the problems that a young, hip black male faces living in an upscale suburban neighborhood. I particularly love the episode where Mr. Jack raps his point home that the young man should NOT join the George Clooney fan club. Another of my favorites, he stops the young man from OGing (Over Golding). Catch phrase: Damn, he is just too cool!

Lassie: Tale of dog that week after week saves everyone’s asses from stupid shenanigans and everyone ALWAYS knows what she is saying as she barks! EX: Lassie: ARF ARF ARF! Jim: What Lassie? Dad and Judy are buried under a landslide, in Deadrock canyon!” Hell all I heard was ARF!
Classie: Weekly tale of a pedigree Collie which lives in Beverley Hills and cares for absolutely nothing but being groomed, eating her ground filet mignon and seeking to get humped by Bruno the 4 time blue ribbon champion German Shepard which lives next door and is into choke collars and chains and having his way with bitches just like Classie! Catch phrase: When this bitch is in heat, things REALLY get HOT!

I am sure I am forgetting quite a few of them so please elucidate me so I may add to this list. If not I will just create my own anyway. I did not include Lancelot Links because I liked it!

"You Suck"

2007-08-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

This thought began upon hearing in a conversation with a person I was speaking with online had mentioned to me she hated the insult "You Suck!" This reminded me of a piece I had written in reference to what I deem "non-words". My friends, have we lost the ability to form complex and ingratiating, antagonistic insults? What has transgressed that we use an insult as lame and non-descriptive as "You suck?" I recall with pride at one time in the United States we could insult one another in complex and imaginative ways and feel pride in the emotional pain we incurred upon others deserving of it. I almost shed a tear in pride as I remember what George Washington proclaimed to the British "We shall not ponce about in skin tight knickers and wear wigs that dwarf in size the hair of female country singers and TV evangelists, nor shall we drink tea as old women! We will wear outrageously odiferous animal leathers that will incapacitate flies sitting on manure wagons and drink white lightning pickling our brains like REAL men!" What a guy! When did our insults simplify specifically and why?

First and foremost I blame the educational system (I do this because EVERYONE else blames them so why should I be any different) to which has succumbed to every possible excuse created to lower it’s standards to adequately prepare a person for the world as it exists today with the inability to attack or defend one’s self verbally. How many excuses have we heard bellyached by various factions over the years? "These courses and tests are biased against our race.”; “Too many kids are being held back, lower the standards so more pass." 'Technology, think about it. especially math not taught to be solved with the mind but with calculator or computer or the smart Asian kid sitting next to you cheat off of", "Destruction and obliteration of the English language when taking into account the use of abbreviated text on messaging systems or adaptation of something silly such as Eubonics or even now Chinese Eubonics or Eskimos which wish to speak in clicks and whirs like Bushmen, all must somehow be integrated into the system", "Education must adapt to the students and not the students to the Education." "Let’s give kids the ability to attain 5.0 GPAs by doing extra curricular activity such as cleaning the bathrooms after school or learning to roll a proper joints or just learning how to breath!"

What does "You suck?" mean? I know it can mean something as simple as you are not cool. I believe at one time the connotation pertained to sucking certain genitalia. Think about it. You tell a woman she sucks and in the course of a woman’s sexual experience, she probably has sucked! So there is no insult. You happen to say that phrase to a homosexual male and he will say "Well YEAHHHH!", but if you said to a Democratic homosexual male “You suck George Bush Junior’s dick!”, now those my friend are FIGHTING words! I have had this simple 2 word insult stated to me a number of times and I look at the offender and I ask clarification on what I suck. There follows a blank stare. When telling someone they suck, we need to specify what they suck or how they suck it or where they suck it or when they sucked it or any combination there of to reach maximum insult potential.

This is a complex insult by a man purporting to be French. "I unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window dresser. So, you think you could outclever us French folks with your silly, knees-bent, running-about, advancing behavior? I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy-leather, second-hand, electric donkey bottom biters." While this is not grammatically correct, it is very complex and very insulting. You may also use tried and true insults such as "You are crazier then a shithouse rat!" Many may not remember what an outhouse was or is but I am sure a rat or for that matter, anything which lived in one for any length of time would exhibit insane behavior hence you are inferring someone is completely looney.

This is not to say some of our simplistic insults have no merit. We now look at the hybrid word "Fucktard". While just calling a person a "Fuck" really is meaningless, adding the "Tard" on the end does give it a biting edge. Since it is short for “retard” and no one likes to be referred to as having the remedial mental capacity of a weasel being the byproduct of 40 generations of inbreeding! Hmm I will have to remember that one for future use. I mention the also useless "Fuck you!" which many should be answering in the way of “Who is going to fuck me?” or the oft used reverse "You FUCK!" which I still do not understand what insult is being conveyed maybe I am an obscene word or I just reply "Yes I do as a matter of fact!"

So I beg of you all to put a little thought into what words are conceived and travel from that brain of yours to the vocal chords and are formed. It is the ONLY way we can bring intelligence and imagination back to an art form which alas is dying or in its death throes

The Algebra of Relationships

2007-08-20T15:13:00.000-07:00

Recently I had the pleasure (this is not a joke) to have had to cram 20+ hours of math into my horribly flaccid and atrophied brain tissue (Hmm wrinkled, shriveled skin up there too?). Though the convoluted tissue that comprises the brain has no pain receptors it is amazing at a peak moment of overload we feel our heads will burst or it become completely non functional. On Wednesday I had reached capacity and went into overload blank mode. This realization came to me when I was filling in an online form and the first line was asking for my last name. I just found myself staring at it for approximately 5 minutes and wondering how to figure it out utilizing the Pythagorean Theorem. I realized I had to back off and give the old brain a rest or at least commit trepanation and create some breathing room for my brain. Fortunately a friend had borrowed my drill and so I was spared having to clean up seeping cranial fluid off my keyboard. Fortuitously I have a mini keyboard vacuum for just that purpose.

I came to the realization as I was working on some Algebraic problems that meeting a person is exactly like trying to solve an inequality. Here is the inequality: X + You > Me. “X” of course is the “UNKNOWN” variable or in this case it could be variables that will cause me to run to and crawl under the nearest table and get into a fetal position and suck my thumb. In this instance, as not in the case with numbers, the unknown can be pretty DAMN scary! A behavior or belief you cannot tolerate or even care to hear. These usually come from the lunatic fringe crowd. This is a true example from my life. I begin conversing with a woman online. She seems nice. Here is partial conversation from first phone call. Her: “I want to explain to you my theory that UFOs are really coming from a cavernous hole at the North Pole.” Anyone that knows me has at some point having heard tales of my wacky and insane sister could predict with GREAT accuracy how I would react to said statement. I nicely informed her to infiltrate the base dressed as a wayward Vulcan and take pictures. Once that was accomplished, give me a call! I have encountered many such women with variables much greater then “Me”.

“X” is either a complete deal breaker or a behavior or behaviors you are willing to accept and live with. Let us say for example you go out to dinner for the first time and she, during the course of the meal, occasionally reaches over with her fork and takes food as she asks ”May I try this?” You might not be territorial when it comes to food and actually believe it is good thing that someone wishes to try something they have not had before and you can tolerate that, so now X + You > or = Me. On the other hand imagine a person that has very stringent personal space rules and also notices that while his date is “Hot” looking, she has not brushed her teeth in a decade and could use a hydraulic jack hammer to remove the plaque. As the woman proceeds to position her fork to take a bite of food from his plate, she receives 4 tines to the back of the hand. As she howls in pain he says with feigned empathy “Sorry, I am not wearing my glasses and thought I saw a huge spider coming towards my plate!” Remember, it is imperative to always think on your feet to avoid lawsuits!

It is pleasant when the inequality is not an inequality and X + You = Me. I personally believe this is the vast majority of relationships but only in the beginning chemical stages of attraction when we develop the thinking capacity of a remedial flea and could care less if the person that is the focal point of our attraction was a multiple spree killer. Sooner or later, as the vast amount of information that is collected, which includes divorce rate, spousal cheating not caught, spousal cheating caught and forgiven, spousal cheating caught and tolerated and MANY other situations I will not mention, begins to constitute an ENORMOUS percentile of non viable variables in relationships. So in the end we revert back to the good old inequality.

Drive-In

2007-08-13T00:04:00.000-07:00

One of my friends Rich had relayed to me an activity he had partaken in that I myself had not experienced in years. The experience was going to a drive in movie. He told me he had an enormous amount of fun and the food was good and was successful all the way around.

As I was driving to the Capitol and Snell, I reminisced about experiences I had I as a teenager going to the Skyway Drive In.

First and foremost you never had EVERYONE in the car pay to get in. We always had to sneak people in. Our record was sneaking 5 people in. My friend Dave had his mother’s station wagon which was huge. We hid 2 people under the back seat by folding it down and 3 in the back by folding facing seats down. With ATVs today, oh I would still do it. It would be very easy to do. This was a more conventional approach to the illegal smuggling of minors into T&A movies other then using the trunk. That was too obvious when 50 people watched as you walked to the back of the car and opened the trunk and 5 people pile out.

I remember one night we had taken Dave’s mother’s station wagon to the Drive in. She had informed him he could do so if he completed a task. Dave said “F^%k that!” and we went anyway. As we watched the film, we viewed about 3 cop cars driving to and fro across the drive in area looking for something or someone. We were making jokes about who they could be looking for. There finally came an “Emergency” announcement requesting Dave Wiltrout to come to the concession stand. We fired up the car and left. Come to find out, his mother had put an APB out on all of us for stealing a car and cops everywhere were looking for us! What a crock of shit!

I remember one drive in attempted to show an “X” rated film and got raided. One of my friends was there and he described the mayhem as dozens of underage guys were running from their cars and jumping fences in an attempt to hide in the adjoining fields from the pursuing police. Who knew Drive Ins could be so exciting? Once in awhile I would see a horror movie or a decent film but if we knew there were girls we happened to be acquainted with there, we would be wandering up and down the rows looking for them and if found, attempt to do ANYTHING but watch a movie.

I remembered nothing today about the majority of flicks we watched since the primary attraction was to see women running around topless and in underwear. Like there really needed to be a plot when 7 scantily dressed or half nude women are jumping up and down for no reason what so ever continuously in a movie.?

The new modern drive in utilizes a broadcast signal from the concession stand to play the movie soundtrack over dead space channel on your radio. The sound is decent enough.
When I first started going to Drive Ins they had heavy and ponderous metal apparatus that you would attempt to hook to your driver’s side window and hope you could hear something. The number of people that would drive away with these still hooked to the window and rip them from the post was impressive! So essentially the tactics became, move from spot to spot not only jockeying for a good view of the screen but a spot that had a functioning speaker. Later they actually used a wire and a clip to place on your antenna to hear the broad cast. Last night I notice how many jack asses in ATVs would back up towards the screen and raise the rear windows which then extended 2 ½ to 3 more feet over the vehicle completing blocking the view of half the screen! Well jockeying for position is STILL important.

Food has been upgraded tremendously and I was impressed with much of it and the variety. It was much less expensive then a walk-in. It is still cool to bring your own goodies which the stand does not provide. White lightning, paint cans to inhale and that sexy plastic blow up doll you have been sleeping with.

There are still the nuisances that occur. They are different from the walk-in but as perturbing. Some idiot was flashing a laser pointer on the screens as I am watching the new Bourne movie. I was really getting pissed off. I state “If that ass wipe does not turn that off I am getting out of the car and find him and shove it up his ASS!” It was serendipitous! The laser stopped and never appeared again. I can only surmise the offender was sitting in close proximity to my car. Of course people are constantly turning on their headlights and blanking the screen. One idiot near me activated his car alarm and obviously did NOT know how to disarm it. This went on for about 8 minutes as the veins at my temples protruded and pulsed in time with the alarm. Fortunately they did not explode and I am alive and well.

I suggest going to the Drive-in because not only was it nostalgic but it was FUN and next time I will go alone or take someone a little animated. The drive in is still the make out place and that part of my memories I wish to experience again.

God's 11-20 Commandments

2007-08-06T15:17:00.000-07:00

Recently uncovered in the Holy land, to the amazement and incredulity of the theological community, a young man while in the process of creating some home made C4, experienced a setback when his home made concoction detonated behind his small make shift home in which he lived. Fortunately he had lost his genitals in a previous explosive accident so not much harm was done. When the dust had settled, to his astonishment he discovered 2 stone tablets uncovered by the blast. Low and behold he had discovered the long lost missing 11 through 20th commandments sent to we humans by God and had been misplaced when Moses coming down from the mountain had misplaced them while attempting to find somewhere to go number #2.

The commandments:

11. Thou shalt not wear any gown or garb that is more extravagant or gaudier then mine. Unless of course you are a young hot Liz Taylor in Cleopatra wearing a tight, form fitting silk dress then thou SHALL wear it with my blessing! She was HOT!

12. Thou shalt not use the Lord’s name as the reason for perpetrating all kind of death and mayhem upon one another. I thought I finished working on the brain in you humans? Hmm, apparently not. The deity responsible for that is named the Devil. Remember him? You know that terror I tossed from heaven for being a bad boy? That is his job. Next time I get this “God made me do it” crap I am smiting someone’s ass BIGTIME!

13. Thou shalt not wear spandex if you weigh over 250 pounds. I know I inspired someone to create it but I thought it would help mankind not cause countless nightmares to millions.

14. If thou has earned millions and become wildly popular, thou shalt seek and attain a suitable haircut in the style of the era. I deem Donald Trump’s haircut is an abomination and an affront to God! Not to mention all those TV evangelists with the BIG hair!

15. Thou shalt not masturbate unless it is in privacy in which someone will not accidentally walk in on you! I made this a perfectly normal act but you humans are SO touchy about it! Grows hair on your palms? That DOES make me snicker.

16. Thou shalt wear no underwear. There has been the debate for centuries as to whether I wear boxers or briefs. Well God goes commando under these robes and you should too. Just be careful when zipping up your pants since even those kind of accidents make God wince and hold his Godly groin!

17. I deem that man may grab and hold his groin as many times during a day as he deem fit. I gave him this inclination so that he can take comfort and solace in that Mr. Winky is ALWAYS there. This is imperative for confidence during male sporting events. I take NO credit for Michael Jackson or the Bobbit incident.

18. Thou shalt create something of interest for Television programming. No more “REALITY” programming for television. Take it from God, it is anything but reality! No more “Made for Sci Fi” Channel movies since they are the cause of many suicides. How about a game show which actually is challenging? Not one in which 60 seconds of time is wasted attempting to build suspense after a contestant is asked what number follows “2”. What happened to ‘Evolving???”

19. God deems thou shalt not spend any of their hard earned money for images people claim to be me or Jesus or Mary on bathroom doors, stumps, cheese sandwiches, weasels, whatever! We would never do this and besides if you were to look into the face of the true God you would melt into a pile of goo that I would then have to instruct someone to clean up. It is quite unpleasant look at and smells NASTY!

20. God says thou shall follow your heart when it comes to matters of the heart but this does not apply to stalkers since most of you are CRAZY MFs and EVEN I do not understand this aspect of obsession!

It is simply amazing how many of these commandments are pertinent to today and make me feel better about myself (as I sit here holding my groin) : )

Baby Car Alarm

2007-07-30T22:55:00.001-07:00

I discovered and interesting fact today. Did you know that there is a device that can be installed into your automobile that would warn you that you had forgotten your baby in the car and your baby will probably be roasted like a suckling pig if something is not done?

Personally I find this interesting since the majority of people that leave kids and babies and animals in hot cars do so because it is a premeditated act. How many times have you been over to a friend’s house for dinners and say “Dave, where is your six month old baby Samantha at? Dave replies aghast. “Sue, we left Sammy in the damn car again when we got back from the grocery store 6 hours again!” to which Jean replies “WHAT? AGAIN?” This scenario NEVER occurs. Unless of course you have a married couple that both received frontal lobotomies as a wedding vow exchange to one another. Sometimes just getting married can have this effect on a couple.

Now this led me to attain statistical information on this phenomenon since the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers in Washington, D.C want this device placed in every car made at quite a substantial extra charge. They represent BMW, Daimler-Chrysler, Ford, General Motors, Mazda, Mitsubishi, Porsche, Toyota and Volkswagen. Now how man y kids do you think have died from heat in cars in the US over the last 10 years? Again remember that the leaving a kid is a premeditated thought and just not “forgetting” them. 340 children is the total.

This really makes sense IF you take into account the device cost next to nothing to make and cost you on the buying end of the car a shitload of money and If someone greases some politicians palm with cash and has him or her push it through as mandated auto safety equipment. Talk about a useless item. What they should mandate is a device that will go off upon eminent bursting of the condom your son is wearing while he is boinking his 17 year girl friend in the back seat of your car. Better yet a device that warns you when any clothing is taken off or a bra strap pinched open (A lost art and was velcro ever used to fasten bras? It could have been SO much easier!)

How about flashing, warning lights that go off on a semi tractor trailer when a driver is ready to chuck a pee bomb? A pee bomb is simply a 1 gallon empty milk carton that truckers uninate into since they do not want to waste time stopping and then when full, chuck it out the window. Last year in Washington, on a short stretch of highway, a clean up work crew found almost 2000 pee bombs. This way you can serve quickly to the right side of the truck to avoid getting hit with urine unless the driver has GREAT aim and chucks it out the passenger side and your car is Urinated as in Terminated! This alarm sounds quite useful to me.

How about proximity warning devices so you are aware of the asshole tailgating you on the freeway 2 foot from your back bumper when you are doing 70 MPH? How about an alarm and device that sense your vehicle being stolen and locks the doors and gives the perpetrator a lethal injection? How about an alarm that would go off so that everyone knows who is driving pantless or wearing dirty underwear or picking their nose so we can all point at them and laugh and hopefully embarrass them enough to never do it again. Scientist have run test for decades to determine that there is a portion of the brain that automatically causes a person to insert their index finger into a nostril when in a car so this behavior will never stop.

Personally I think that every member of the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers in Washington, D.C should have a special device inserted into their rectums to warn us that they are all a bunch of greedy, unethical assholes!

Animal Groups

2007-07-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

Recently the Bay Area was the location of 2 whales swimming up the delta got stuck and it seemed nothing that could be done could get their butts back out into the ocean. If you take a look at the definition of the word pod, I in no way can understand how it can be used to describe a group of whales? The definition denotes seed protective covering, protective covering of an insect egg, even the covering of an engine but whales? Maybe a word used that is something more suitable to their size. How about a Las Vegas Smorgasbord of whales, a large parking lot of whales, a War Memorial Stadium of Whales, a Donald Trump Ego of whales? I kind of like that last one.

Of course zoologist must come up with unique names for groups of all animals. My favorite group name is for badgers. A group is called a Cete of badgers. I laugh at this because WTF is a Cete? I looked up the term and this is the ONLY definition the word has. It is a group of badgers! It is hard to work that word into a conversation! “Damn Mike, last night my bathtub was over run by a Cete! Mike: Jesus Christ! You’re shitting me?” A better name would be Band of Badgers but that is too close to an HBO series Band of Brothers and people may mistake them for an acid rock band from the 60s.

The group name for Cobras is a quiver. Now a smart scientist would have meant that in a way that one should be frightened and quivering upon meeting such a venomous reptile. Of course I discovered through some digging that the person coining the term was a big Conan fan and thought it was cool the way Thulsa Doom straightened out snakes and fired them from a bow. Reality can be so strange. But he was a complete ass because Doom was not firing cobras from his bow, they were asps! So it should be a quiver of asps or more appropriately where we get the term, “Hey look at the ass quiver!” Who knew?

How many of us love the majestic cheetah. A beautiful, lithe creature know as the fastest of all land animals unless you take into account a guy that has been drinking too much at a bar and attempting to grab the naughty bits of the woman unfortunately sitting beside him. It is capable of 0 to 60MPH in a matter of a few seconds. Damn I love my car’s acceleration! Well back to Cheetahs. A group of Cheetahs is called a coalition and this is the most appropriate term for a group of animals I can think of. How many times in mine and your lifetime have we seen these majestic animals march on the White House in Washington fighting for our rights on a multitude of issues? Just last week there was a coalition of Cheetahs at the state capital in California mauling and mutilating Governor Arnold Swartzenegger for lowering the legal health standards on Cheetah chow. Phew, they are a tough bunch!

Now someone got it right when they named a group of hyenas a cackle. Some would describe the noise they emit as a cackle and I would agree. The problem is they do not just cackle. I have seen a few at comedy clubs and they just outright laugh so you could call the group a guffaw of hyenas. I love the work cackle anyway. I have a friend whose laugh is always described as “cackling fiendishly”. One of my friends one time exclaimed I laughed like a hyena but dammit I do not cackle. Chickens cackle I believe. I will have to ask one next time I am presented one, roasted tenderly and juicy, I am hungry now!

Now we come to a Leap of Leopards. I did not know leopards hung out together and yes they sure do leap unless you run across the extremely lazy ones that kind of just hop. I think the bestower of the name just got lazy and wanted to say a leop of Leopards but it was too obvious he did not put much thought into it. He hazy mind remembered the Christmas song “The 12 Days of Christmas” and thought “Yeah 7 Lords a leaping, a LEAP OF LEOPARDS!” Unfortunately for our scientist he did not realize that Lords never leapt, only the serfs they kept as property and made them leap by skewering their rear ends with red hot pokers. There was the occasional Lord that leapt but it was because he had been driven insane by gonorrhea!

There is a Stare of Owls and I will certainly attest to that one. You ever try and stare an Owl down? Impossible! It describes them perfectly. They stare all day and all night. Cannot turn or roll their eyes but can turn their heads around like a possessed Linda Blair in the Exorcist. They are a very boring bird. They sit in trees and stare. Hell you cannot tell by their expression that they are even surprised as they crash head first into your windshield while driving at a night!

Do yourself a favor and take a look at all the group names of animals. Some are guaranteed to give you a laugh and you wonder what the hell the person was doing or thinking as they were doing so. The guy who named a group of Pheasants a “Head” I guarantee was in the field observing the bird while masturbating.

Images in the Dust

2007-07-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

I take back EVERYTHING I ever said about Jesus or the Virgin Mary showing up on bathroom doors all over the world! I was a fool! Yesterday, I took my camera with me to take some pictures in the park that happens to across from me. It is named "Butcher Park" by the way. It was noon and I happened to be standing at home plate looking down at it. LOW AND BEHOLD!

This is obviously Jesus Christ! Well maybe, it could also be almost any of a multitude of rock star that killed themselves with drugs in the 60's. Then I got to thinking, it could be Charles Manson before the swastika tattoo. The image is not really clear so we will never know.

I came back a few moments later and in the light the image had changed.

Now the image was the Virgin Mary, even though no one living knows precisely what she looked like. I swear I had seen this woman once on a coffee can containing Columbian coffee. I then realized it was really Carmen Miranda , that feisty actress from the 40's that always carried a variety of nutritious and delicious fruit upon her head to feed entire casts and crews of movies she worked in. What a woman!

15 minutes later I returned to find this:

Damn it! You cannot get away from McDonalds advertising ANYWHERE! This is either Ronald or Pennywise (after a trip to Supercuts), the clown from Hell from Stephen King's book "It". I could have sworn I heard someone hissing from a street drain nearby but like I am REALLY going to see what it was?

20 minutes passed and I took a stroll back to home plate to see what now appeared:

At first I thought it was Barney the dinosaur and I was gleeful and happy. After all it is Barney! Then I realized that it was the carnivore from the Jim Henson show "Dinosaurs" that lived next door to the family the show focused on. This bastard was having an affair with the husband's surapod wife while he was at work! Like you can hide the hickies given from a carnivore with 5 inch serrated teeth! TRAMP!

The next image surprised the Hell out of me.

We all know how wealthy Donald is and that he is always ANGRY! Every picture taken of him has him looking very ANGRY. Well the answer is plain and simple. It is his hair. You would think that a man that has that much wealth could afford some interesting looking hair or something that looked more acceptable then the hair of a wooly mammoth that had been thawed out of solid ice after 350,000 years!. Hell even Chia hair would be an improvement on this guy! Stay focused Don! You have every right to be angry. I have to admit I found some dog excrement and stepped in it, walked back and ground it into his face.

It was now towards evening and again I returned to home plate with my camera. What image would reveal itself? Would someone or something try to impart great wisdom or relate to me the meaning of life.

Oh what a wondrous surprise and rapture! What little tricks life plays upon us? It was a nude image of Wilma Flintstone. Only the most desirable female character ever created in this or any other solar system! This is truly a sign that a God does exist! I immediately wretched the plate from its anchored position and stole it home with me with no one the wiser. I slept with it under my pillow last night and oh what dreams! Jealousy does not become you!