Revenge is ...

Last week I had my abode broken into. As with any human, I sought a way to gain some revenge upon my foes which were apprehended. One would feel many would experience the same emotions I was subjected to. I found myself dreaming of boiling them in water and adding navy beans, carrots and peas, making a hearty soup named “Three Time Loser Surprise.” It is times like these that one wishes they kept cobra venom handy so after you are taken to identify said scum, you accidentally fall into one them and injects the hidden hypodermic you are palming. While the police are standing over him wondering why he is convulsing, the other suspect “supposedly” tries to make a run for it across a busy street and becomes road kill. Dreams can have a cathartic effect. This brought me to the never ending controversy of “Revenge is SWEET” or “Revenge is WRONG.” I am now a card carrying “Take revenge whenever possible member.” Many famous people are pro and con and here are but a few.

“Something of vengeance I had tasted for the first time; as aromatic wine it seemed, on swallowing, warm and racy: its after-flavor, metallic and corroding, gave me a sensation as if I had been poisoned.” I laugh at that statement. Obviously Bronte never had anyone emotionally or physically torture him or for that matter steal from him or slip small electric eels in their spawning cycle into his wet underwear. I believe this is the “turn the other cheek” approach to revenge. It would seem this means the other ass cheek is unguarded and will get kicked and mutilated. To wish to harm upon another for inflicting some heinous act upon us is barbaric and we will never achieve that altruistic visage of human kind if we engage in it but DAMN it feels good using that baseball bat!

“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.” This was coined by Sir Francis Bacon the inventor of the pork accoutrement we have come to enjoy so much at breakfast. Oh? so a man is superior if he does not take revenge upon his enemy? No, you are only dead or grievously injured so in that case if you did pass over revenge, you are superiorly dead or injured and people will be calling you a superior putz but so what, you proved you deserved to be out of the gene pool and now are.

“Don't get mad, get even.” JFK is the man! Although I think the results he received were not quite what he had anticipated. I mean you are the president so you expect maybe a few death threats, but to become enmeshed in the circumstances that ended his life in a mystery never to be completely known to anyone except maybe to the conspiracy nut that lives next to me. He claims aliens abducted JFK and replaced him with a doppelganger from the plant M-34.234 in the Garlack system just did not make any sense to me until I saw JFK on the cover of the National Inquirer. He was in a wheelchair being pushed by Elvis. I realized that no one famous ever really dies they just become as hard to find as the Sasquatch which in the Salishan language means “Large hairy creature that does not and never has existed and really is the extremely hairy man that lives 3 tents down.”. This word was first translated by a man that only knew sign language and could only speak with his left foot. This accounts for all the Bigfoot sightings and stories yet not one clear picture or movie deal ever signed with one.

“Live well. It is the greatest revenge.” Oh this one sends shivers down my spine! I love it. In a nutshell this is the greatest revenge I can think of off hand other then placing 3 black mambas in someone’s desk drawer. One of the great pieces of wisdom from the Talmud not to mention that it also contains many a great recipes in it! I especially love the Matzah Ball soup one.

“Behold, on wong Swift vengeance dates; and art subdues the thong.” This observation was written by Homer and I have no idea why the word swift is capitalized. When Homer wrote this, he was 98 ½ years old. He had scratched it onto the wall of the outhouse with a stick. Someone later, as they sat and read it thought it profound and attempted to remember it and unfortunately he got it completely incorrect. We now have no profound statement about revenge from Homer but the thong was born and men have been delighted ever since and many women made uncomfortable.

“All the old knives that have rusted in my back, I drive in yours.” Many people must have really hated the Phaedrus to have not only had a great many knives driven into Plato’s back but they all rusted as well due to secretions of body fluids. This means this started at an early age and probably had something to do with not being capable of being potty trained and it went from there. Maybe people did not like the name of this piece of writing because the name can be mistaken for a rare STD found only in Artic moles. It is a piece dealing with Plato carrying on a dialogue with Socrates. I attempted to read this once and it being a dialogue between two philosophers almost forced me to become a cliff diver. I am sure it has nothing to do with cliff diving but then I am extremely stupid.

“No more tears now; I will think about revenge.” Aw I applaud a woman for taking the pro stance of revenge. Mary, Queen of Scots muttered these words as other women in the court snickered and made jokes in reference to her new smiley face boxer shorts. The ladies of the court were immediately burned at the stake along with the underwear and it would be centuries until we saw their return with millions of men wearing them proudly attempting to look sexy and funny to many uninterested and yawning women.

I will finish with one quote that makes no sense to me. “Revenge is an inhuman word.” Hmmm, if it is not human what animal or insect created? An ant that had been slaving for 2 days to build a mound only to have a kid come along and wipe it out in seconds, an irate beaver that had his damn blown up? It could be an extraterrestrial word. Look what we tried to do to E.T! Again I think if has something to do with Big Foot but then everything does.