Oh those pets!

Oh the pets that people will keep! Today I am sent a link to a news story pertaining to a woman being brutally attacked by a 200 pound Chimpanzee owned by a friend of hers. I saw a picture of the Chimp and I understand he had been on multiple diets and had been yo-yoing up and down in weight and it could have been a Jenny Craig commercial that set him off. There were accusations that the chimp was given Xanax to calm him down since he suffered from anxiety and panic attack syndrome once he was exposed to Tim Burton’s re-make of the original “Planet of the Apes.” There was a recording of the conversation between her and the dispatcher. She had her wildebeest call to report the incident as it was occurring. Fox News reported the chimp’s name was Travis but the article then mentioned that they would refer to him as “Bobo” to afford him his anonymity. Fox is so civil and thoughtful and kind! Here is the dialogue between the dispatcher and owner of the chimp.

BEEP… BEEP…
Dispatcher: Hello
Herold: (The chimp can be heard grunting at times) "He's killing my friend!"
Dispatcher: Stay calm, who is killing your friend?
Herold: Bobo is!
Dispatcher: Are you are a wrestling match? I love Bobo, the Everlasting Death, my favorite character!”
Herold: No! Bobo is my pet Chimpanzee.
Dispatcher: With a name like that I can understand his rage.
Herold: You have to send help, please.
Di. I am maam, I will stay on the line since I have nothing else to do, ok?
Herold: What should I do?
Dispatcher: Try stepping towards him and in a stern voice yell “Ungowa!”
Herold: What will that do?
Dispatcher: “Tarzan always said that and animals listened to him. It means “Do as I say or I will maim you!””
Herold: “I screamed it at him and he seems more upset!”
Dispatcher: Hmm come to think of it he only said that elephants. Sorry.
Background screaming from both victim and chimp heard
Dispatcher:”Maam, do I have your permission to call Ron Pitts and the “Destroyed In Seconds!” crew?”
Herold: “WHAT?”
Dispatcher: “I take that as a “NO!” Maam are you a Jedi? What is your midichlorian count?
Herold: 20?
Dispatcher: “Aww that is only good enough to levitate 2 ping pong balls and entertain some easily amused party guests. Do you have a federation warp drive engine?
Herold: “Yes, but I do but I have any dilithium crystals.”
Dispatcher: “Damn, we could have set up an inverse tachyon field and trapped the chimp! Ok there is one chance; do you know the Vulcan nerve pinch? This is where it gets dicey; you have to get close to use it. It has only worked for me on small rodents and chipmunks never a primate.”
Herold: “I stabbed him in the back with a kitchen knife! He ran away screaming!”
Dispatcher: “Well that will also work as well as grenades and calling in a napalm strike. Remember what ever happens. Do NOT shake a “Tickle Me Elmo” doll at him! Chimps hate Elmo and it will provoke him. It gives the appearance of a happy orangutan and it only reminds them that Clyde the Orangutan has gotten all the movie work in the last 20 years”
Herlod: “Why didn’t anyone tell me that? My friend pulled up in her car, got out and shook one at him!”
Dispatcher: “Whoa, no wonder he went ape shit! Bad karma! There is an emergency crew and S.W.A.T. on the way with orders to shoot and kill.”
Herold: “Maybe if I give him more Xanax?”
Dispatcher: “Err is the chimp seeing a psychological expert for help? Who would have thought?, an overweight chimp with panic attack syndrome. The world really is going to Hell!”
Herold: “No, but it keeps him calm so he does not play “beat the wall with the furry animal” with the other pets.”
Dispatcher: “Oh boy so the monkey has a monkey on his back? Did he get his daily hit?”
Herold: “No.”
Dispatcher: “Oh BOYYYY!”

After seeing what kind of damage a chimp can do I am thinking of tossing the idea to get a couple of huge Rottweiler’s and going straight to a full grown male Silverback Gorilla. If I want intruders taken care of I want body parts strewn everywhere. He can also sign in sign language to me exactly how the action went down although I am sure the paintings done in the intruder’s blood that he would create would be too heinous to look at for me but would find a niche art market and make us both very rich!