What's in a Name

What is in a name? Well for some people as they walk through life it can involve great pain and harassment. This is one of the reason there are many people into masochism. They LOVE the pain. I can never even begin to comprehend how parents can possibly give child the names they do. You would think when they looked at the birth certificate that they would realize that Richard Dean Hertz will eventually evolve into something that will cause this emotionally pained child to move into a cave and eat fish the rest of his life and be shunned by society as a whole, find a magical ring and almost cause our world to be taken over by the evilest of forces. Thank goodness for other freaks with abnormally large and hairy feet. My brother is named Richard and we called him “Dick” or “Dickie” with never a thought of penis. As soon as he grew to 6 foot 4 and weighed over 250 we complied with his demand to call him “Mr. Richard”, which I do to this day and also bow in his presence. I have no desire to be planted in the yard and have my head used as a croquet target to sharpen hit accuracy. One doctor I knew had the name Dr. Richard Finder which in itself is funny enough but he was a urologist. Maybe the NASCAR driver Dick Trickle should look him up and see if he can solve his problem. I think he is represented by the law firm Dixon, Cox and Peters. WRONG order to place those names! Oh I also knew a Dr. PAIN. Let us just say eliminate the name Richard altogether. At least Richard the Lionhearted was never referred to as “Dick” although he could easily have been one, history does not relate that fact to us. Why not try and eliminate all penis references in names. I make one last mention of the name “Dick”. I live in San Jose and on Meridian Avenue for years was a huge sign that simply said “Linoleum Dicks”. I laughed every time I saw it. I never knew if it sold sex aids or flooring.

In High School I knew a number of people that had just awful names. The worse one I can recall was “Letwen” and no matter how many times it occurred over the years whenever the announcement came over the PA system “Will Barb Letwen, please report to the office.” The chuckling was always present. I also knew another student with the last name “Boner”. Maybe at one time a boner did not have the same meaning as it had in the 70s but I know he changed his name legally as soon as he possibly was able to the name “Flaccid” which really did nothing to change the problem. He married a girl named Meg Ann Childress and she became Meg A. Boner. Reality is so much funnier then fantasy is it not? One rule of thumb is to NEVER, EVER give your child a first and middle name that spawn the initials B. J. I knew one guy in High School named B.J. O’Reily and I never knew what his name was but he sure took a lot of crap being called B.J. all the time since being male high school students you realize what the B.J. reference is to. There was a trio of girls that went to my school named Misty, Dawn and April. Their last name was Schauers (pronounced Showers). I have heard variations of this over the years I worked with an April Sommers. I have heard of an Autumn Sommers and my favorite, Cold As Hell Winters (I am sorry Cold I am not saying you are frigid or anything like that).

This leads to great names as you are perusing the newspaper and happen to come across the wedding announcements. Here are three couples I saw getting married over the years and since it is always announced by last names here they are:
Firm – Butts
Rider – Harder (Do not remember which was the groom)
Small – Dingle
There are many of these also. Again I think the people that write these announcements have their fun with them placing them in the optimal order in which to get the maximum laughs.

The world of professional sports has had its share of names I laugh at. Covelli Loyce “Cocoa” Crisp is one of my favorites. Is that the name of a cereal or the treat you make from it? Not a bad outfielder and has been around quite a few years. Although I loved him and he is a Hall of Famer and the prototype for the fast, small middle linebacker, Dick Butkus is a winner also. There was a George Shorthose that played with the KC Chiefs and a Pumpsie Green which played for the BoSoxs. One name I have heard only once and never again belonged to a running back for the Eagles. His name was “Po James”. What the Hell is Po? I can only surmise it is short for something but I never found out what.

The list is endless and I would love to hear names others have come across in their lives. Let me hear some of them.