New Dummie Books

Yesterday I had the opportunity to be shopping at Frys and happened to be perusing the book section when I came across some of my favorite genre of titles which is that of the Dummies and Idiots books. I glanced at the spine of one Dummies book located on the bottom shelf and it was titled “The Dummies Book to Indian Companions Named Tonto”. What staggered me was that it was 342 pages in length! I of course laughing looked at the other titles available. An intervention by two friends had to take place as I was unable to leave of my own free will. Here is what I saw.



The Dummies Book on:

1. “Where not to place your genitals”
2. “Excuses for emergency room visits with a foreign object lodged in your rectum”
3. “Viable explanations for acting inebriated while intoxicated and being questioned by an officer while pulled over for possible DUI’
4. “How to hang toilet paper’
5. “How to choose the proper pants whose crotch is at your knees”
6. “4000 possible lyrics that the song “Blinded by the Light” might contain’
7. “How to pronounce the words “Yes” and “No”
8. “How to convincingly say “How Did That Get there?”
9. “How to The 12 Months Of The Year”
10. “How to use Post It Notes Effectively”
11. “When to use a Stapler VS Paper Clips’
12. “Whom to use that 15 Million Volt Taser”
13. “When to use Change Your Underwear”
14. “How to use Road Rage to Your Advantage”
15. “How To Purchase Just enough Gas To Drive To and Fro From Work for a Day and a Half and Repeat”
16. “How Sit and Watch a Camp Fire”
17. “Go to the Bathroom WHEN You Have To Go”
18. “How to Shut the Hell Up When in a Movie Theater”
19. “How to Break Your Addiction to the Snooze Bar.”
20. “Hotdog and Hamburger Condiments”
21. “How to Use a Butter Knife Properly”
22. “137 Fun Blow Up Animals you Can Create with Extra Large Condoms”
23. “Kotex or Tampon?”
24. “How to Apply a Band-Aid”
25. “Which Side Of The Body Does The Pee Pee Hole in Your Underwear Face?”
26. “How Not to Examine The Contents of the Kleenex You Just Blew Your Nose Into”
27. “The Right Shoe, Left or Right Foot?”
28. “Pud Hitler, Adolf’s Unknown Brother”
29. “Perform Your Own Donald Trump Comb Over”
30. “Pork”
31. “Alligator Wrastling” By Joe “7 Finger” Chapman
32. “To Understanding Traffic Lights”
33. “To Choosing Yakuza or Cosa Nostra”
34. “The Feeding and Care of Your Pet Wolverine”
35. “How to Throw A Home Botox Injection Party”
36. “Ice Making Tips”
37. “Skipping Stones”
38. “Proper Chewing Gum Techniques and Walking at the Same Time”
39. “How to Sleep”
40. “How To Know When You Are Hurt”
41. “Selling Children Into Slavery”
42. “Negotiating With Your Pimp”
43. “Preventing Your Mobile Meth Lab From Exploding”
44. “Removal Of Ear Wax”
45. “When To Tell You Have Eaten Enough”
46. “Doing What The Voices In Your Head Tell You To Do”
47. “Raising Sea Monkies for Fun and Profit.”
48. “How to See In The Dark”
49. “Sock Shopping Made Easy”
50. “Toasting Bread Made Easy”