Doughnut Laws

This morning I happened to be looking on a particular site and spied an article that just made me laugh for a few minutes when I read it. It happened to pertain to police officers on the Montreal police force. It seems they wish to have a law passed with which they could arrest a person for calling them a ‘Doughnut-eater”. I am still laughing about this. I have been mortified at times over the years with what we refer to as ‘Political Correctness”. For example I cannot call a person “short”, they are vertically challenged. I cannot refer to a person as an “Idiot”, they are “neurally networked impoverished”. I cannot call a person that shoved a hamster up their rectum, has it get lodged and must report to the ER with the excuse used 99% of the time “I fell on it in the shower!” and call him a freak, he is a “sexually green, environmentally open orifice oriented”.

Can you imagine being pulled over by a police officer in Montreal and notice he has crumbs on his face and mention the word doughnut and be pulled from your car, beaten with a night stick to within an inch of your life and placed in handcuffs. You are taken to the station and finger printed and your mug shot taken and I will bet you the report will state “Suspect called officer a derogatory name.” Of course you and your heinous deed will place your booty in the same cell as the maniac that killed 5 people at a bar that night because they all reminded him of his father and 2 of his victims were women!

Now the big reason for this as one officer attempted to explain was that usually drunks use abusive language and things get out of control. I cannot even conceive of an inebriated individual ranting, spewing obscenities and the term “doughnut eater” slips out. Here is a scenario.

Police Chief speaking with 2 officers after severely beating a suspect:

Police Chief: Well now boys, what do ya have to say about that incident with the drunk. Ya kinda beat him up pretty bad ya know. Six broke ribs, left femur snapped, massive concussion and multiple contusions and night stick broken off in his left nostril eh?
Police officer one: Now chief he was getting mighty abusive there.
Police officer two: Yah and ya would not believe the string of curse words that came out of his mouth!
Police Chief: But to beat a man that bad for just cursing away?
Police officer one: But Chief, he used the “D” word don’t ya know?
Police Chief: EH! Why did you not say that to begin with? You should have shot that damn scumbag!

I had wondered what would occur if a person were to utilize the dreaded “doughnut eater” name in a more sophisticated way. For example, “You consumer of a kneaded and mixed dough composition that is pre-shaped and deep friend in various oils into various geometric forms and coated or covered with glucose based products!” I realize that this could get you life in prison in Montreal so I would not even attempt this as a joke. I wonder if the penalty is not as severe if you mention doughnut holes, which really are NOT holes but leave holes? Damn this is complicated stuff.

Now we are into an age where everything is Extreme, Extreme sports, Extreme breakfasts, Extreme Chess. Well here is the Extreme sport in Montreal. Drive by a doughnut shop where 6 cop cars are parked and pull out a megaphone and scream as you drive by slowly “DOUGHNUT EATERS!” This will cause a tsunami of police officers to come pouring out the door, jump in their vehicles and chase you down in a high speed chase. The object is to elude pursuit without being caught. If you are caught, death is assured or else it would not be EXTREME!

I have a premonition that he next item on the list will deal with Americans mimicking a Canadian with the word ‘Eh?” I myself find it hard NOT to say that word around Canadians when it is used in every sentence. I predict three years from now if an American is caught saying said word it will carry the same weight as a robbery performed with a fire arm. So next time you are in Montreal and get a craving for doughnuts and the shop you stop at has 2 cops in it, you better think about it before the mouth opens and certain words flow out.