I ask myself how I ever got to the place I am today. If I watched one of those Rankin Bass Christmas specials it would give me some fantastic reason why I am an extremely obese elderly man that has an overtly jolly attitude and has a hideous taste in clothing and shows a bit of insanity when it comes to a location for my place of residence.
People always question “Why the North Pole”? Well think about it. Let me tell you, I never had to pay a cent for the damn property that is for sure. Squatter’s rights baby! Although I do wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, in a cold sweat from nightmares realizing I live on nothing but ICE with only water underneath it. People think the men in that show the “Ice Truckers” are hard ass, crazy bastards, well I have lived here forever and you do not see anyone making a show on me named the “Ice Toymaker”. Screw those guys, when you have “Ice Trucked” for about 500 years then talk to me, until then screw off pansy! I get satellite up here but let me tell you, I get so damn sick and tired of having to go outside and remount the damn thing after it is torn down in 100 mph blizzards which occur ALL THE TIME! I really want to kick the sales person’s ass that had me pay for the weather channel, like I do not know that every second of every day it is cold enough to turn my testicles to ice? I am getting way too old for this crap.
Do people actually believe I enjoy being obese? For some inane reason people associate me being a big fat slob with being jovial. Do you think I enjoy going to take a whiz and not being able to see my winky to hold while I piss? Think about it. I have tried everything. Jenny Craig, Scarborough’s Diet, Weight Watchers, “The Eat All The Weasels You Can” diet, only to see them all fail miserably. What can I do? Everyone here is always shoving cookies and chocolate into my face so eating sensibly is impossible not to mention all the junk food people leave out for me at every house although I have NO problem NOT eating the deep fried cockroaches left out for me. I mean bless the little one’s heart but it is not EVER going down this gullet.
I also drink way too much Budweiser. What really gets to me is I cannot sit and watch a football game with my hand down my pants holding my genitals like ever other guy does while I suck down a cold one with my other hand because I am so fat. One of the biggest drawbacks to this is sex. Mrs.. C does the best she can but two people that look like sumo wrestlers have a tough time finding naughty parts and attempting to use them. It is like playing some weird version of “Twister” without the laughter. Things have gotten a little better since I had one of the Elfin engineers place a hydraulic winch over the bed and a harness. I can now move up and down with the help of the up/down switch I hold in my hand. There have been times I have found some cute little female elf workers that look upon me with awe and have I have committed a few indiscretions here and there over the years. The broken bones and injuries are easily explained away. Oh don’t give me those looks of disgust you hypocrites! I mean how binding in a court of law is a marriage that was performed by a tree druid? No papers were signed, he was not licensed, you get the picture? I get lonely.
All I want to do is wear something a little warmer on THE big night of the year. I have looked at North Face products and it seems to me anyone that can create clothing that can keep you warm and alive while climbing the Alps has a vote from me to help keep me warm as I rocket all over the worlds instead of freezing my ass off in this lousy, loose red monstrosity that Mrs.. C. came up with. You know this was really a gag she had made for me to improve our sex lives. It originally had a front flap for easy opening and we role played me delivery a ‘PACKAGE” to her but of course one of those little F*&CKING elves walked in on us and Mrs.. C. told them this was my new Christmas suit and I have had to wear the damnable monstrosity since then.
Christmas night has become a nightmare. Trying to coordinate so much is a huge task. I had to fly in a few programmers to write special code for me to keep track of everything that goes on in the factory. The damn Elves have a union which is constantly busting my balls. You think the Teamsters are tough since they ended up hiding Jimmy Hoffa’s body somewhere it will never be found? I constantly have to concede to every demand or I am sure I will be found in a block of ice somewhere, naked to be the object of scorn. They know I have a small package and will pose me in a position to take full advantage of that. Watch the front page of the Weekly World News, it can happen.
One big problem I just cannot tolerate anymore is the amount of reindeer crap I get pelted with all night long. I have had the elves create a windshield of shorts but that does not protect me if Donner has been drinking milk and knows damn well he is Lactose intolerant and get the runs. Needless to say coming down a sooty chimney helps cover the suit which is now brownish red and reeking to high heaven!
So between being freakin cold all the time, reindeer crap all over me, dogs which people forget to tie up and want to rip me a new ass, burglar alarms which I trip and end up getting sprayed in the face with pepper spray or worse yet tasered, I have had about all I can stand, well with the exception of the Santa nymphos I run into, that is one of the few and BIG plusses to the job. Damn I love delivering to Las Vegas, SIN CITY, WHOOOO!!! Why did they shut down the Mustang Ranch, it was my favorite stop : (.
Well it is that time again. Got to don the F^%king red suit (But I do have North face under garments on this time.). I am glad I order a case of Jack Daniels. Sucking a bottle down right now and taking 2 with me. Maybe if I am lucky I will collide with the Concorde and it will be all over with. This will lead to the new Rankin Bass special “The Night Santa Got Soused and Died!” Where is that damn bottle?
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