One in the same

I happened to have the opportunity to attend a wedding on Saturday. Should I use the word opportunity? I occasionally get to help my friend Mario video shoot weddings and one observation I have made is I am in a constant state of déjà vu. They all look the same, they all include the same activities in a predetermined order and they always include the same damn music at the reception. Why is Johnny Horton’s song “The Battle of New Orleans” always played? WTF? Is this a precursor to interactions between the couple to come? Once in awhile I slap the side of my head hoping to get the images to flow in another pattern but it does not happen. It is like a re-occurring nightmare (For many that have been married 3-5 times that statement is oh so true.) Maybe I should refer to the event as a night terror? I realized how many components of a Wedding are precisely similar to a funeral.

The pre-dominant color at both events is of course black, especially for men. This of course can be attributed to the fact that black is the most common color a suit comes in but could we not wear some nice pastel colors and drop the black? Colors to make the wedding vibrant and uplifting? No, little do any women realize we men wear black to mourn the lost of our male friends cast into the Hell that is to come. You have never wondered why the groom always resembles a corpse. They are pale and pasty in complexion, many times unable to speak and stiff as a department store mannequin.

I have seen holy men inject grooms with amphetamines before the ceremony so they can at least have enough motor skills to slur their agreements vocally to what ever is stated and be able to put a ring on the bride’s finger. A drug is also used to keep the groom’s face in a perpetual smile. Tears and groveling for mercy is not tolerated when in front of family and friends while in the process of marriage. That is tolerated for the parents having to pay for all this chicanery though. You always see the father of the bride crying? We all think it is because he is losing his little girl, no it is because he anticipates seeing what his Visa bill with be this month paying for all this crap! At least at the funeral you get a headstone or a jar of ashes to keep and the loved one of the deceased will always have them unlike the a married couple whose chances are within 2 years will be fighting tooth and nail over the wiener dog corn cob holders while restraining themselves from murdering one another during the divorce.

Much weeping and moaning and gnashing of teeth occur at both events. Many tears are shed for the same reason, loss of loved ones. In both instances we hope in our hearts that they are going to a better place. Unfortunately this is not always the case. Your mother that you had cremated and paid to have scattered to the four winds is found in a storage shed along with 467 other bodies stored by an unscrupulous bastard running a scam. Now she is just ashes that you can use to grit your sidewalk when it snows for traction. Mom would have loved to have known she kept me safe traversing that icing walkway. We hope the married couple goes to a better place but after the honeymoon it becomes a game of tolerance and who will crack first and use that 44 Magnum drunken uncle Squeak gave them as a present for home protection.

One wedding I went to had pictures of all the members involved placed neatly on the table in an area where guests were arriving. I observed that every person that came walking up to the table glanced 2 and 3 times at the table and thought they were in the wrong place. The couple being married was young, but the pictures were of people in old photographs in a bygone era. I surmised 4 people had died and it was a funeral with a mass burial mound. Others did too as they turned away and went back to their cars to check directions and name of venue. We did discover we were at the correct location and the pictures were of the parents from long ago. This should never have been done since it did attract funeral crashers looking for free food after the wake. That is term I do not understand in the slightest. You have a “Wake” for someone deceased. Should it not be called an “Eternal sleep” or “Do not wake me up ever again!”? I am sure it would be brown trousers time for everyone if the deceased “Woke” up.

We then have a celebration after both events, eating, drinking and exchanging stories of the deceased and the married and on how we fondly remembered them before these tragic events took place and took the lives of all our loved ones. Food is usually excellent at both as well as alcohol and both events are great for attempting to pick up grieving women. Although I am particularly appalled at the ceremony of cutting the death cake and having the spouse shove it into the deceased face messing up all the good work the mortician has performed. What amazes me is the expression on the corpse is so similar to the marriage cake asphyxiation ceremony. Fortunately, my Red Cross training has prevented death utilizing the Heimlich maneuver on 2 occasions.

All I ask is that try to differentiate these events as much as possible. I find that wearing a costume of Cupid makes me standout at weddings and as the Grim Reaper as funerals. At least they provide a few laughs as photos are taken of me with the recipients of both events.